Where are you at?

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient.
When you are committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.

Fighter

My life has been consumed with nothing, NOTHING, but school...studying that is. I honestly don't like that my life has completely changed. I knew this was going to be hard and I knew it would take a lot of work, but I didn't expect it to run my life.
I'm only 1 1/2 months into this semester and it seems to be going by so SLOW. Every day I go to class (Monday, Wednesday, Friday), I keep saying, is it December yet?
I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't realize my life would be turned upside down.
I've learned to adjust, some days.
The other days I'm just a mess.

Have I wanted to quit, YES. But that would be too easy to do and I would NEVER let myself forget that I quit. That is just not an option for me...I'm not a quitter and those that know me best, know I go down with a fight! hahaha I hope to fuel those emotions to get through this semester.

The funny this is that I've started out really strong in one of my classes and really terrible in the other. How is that possible? I really don't have an answer. But what I've learned in the last month and half is how much I am capable of. I've honestly thought back to my high school days and thought, WOW, so this is what studying could have been like and wow, what would I have been like if I would have applied myself this much in high school?! It honestly makes me sad, but you can't re due the past, you have to just focus on what you have in front of you now. I wish I could re due high school, very much so. Because now I wonder that if I would have actually studied at night and read the chapters, instead of cramming every single night right before a test and really not getting it... I really think I would have been a much smarter person. hahaha...in theory. But again, that is the past.

I'm excited for what I've already learned and it's truly amazing how I've been able to do this. I am tired, I'm burnt out, I'm deprived. I love that I study like I do, but I don't like what it has done either. I am so tired, as I wake up, go to work, go workout, study study study. Repeat x5 days/week. On weekends I wake up, study study study, workout, study study study...MAYBE do a load of laundry as I can remember. I don't see anyone anymore or for that matter, talk to anyone...that is where I'm deprived. Our neighbors, the other day, saw me for the first time in 5 weeks and they were like "ooo you do still live here!" Because before, I was always outside or out and about with my husband constantly. Now all I do is sit inside and read and study.

Last weekend I had a little break down. I was so frustrated with the material, not necessarily because it's hard, it's just SO much you have to learn in SO little time. One chapter alone had over 100 terms I needed to memorize (in 1 weeks time), plus add 2 other chapters on top of that, who also have about 50 terms each to memorize. You get my picture, maybe. Plus on top of that, doing other charts and diagrams for this class too. But I was frustrated because I didn't understand how one person can memorize so much in so little time. And not only that, we had people that wanted to "hang out" with us on Saturday and on Sunday, different people for each days/nights. Ah, I had to tell my husband we couldn't and he completely understood, but I didn't like that it happened. Where was my life? And then on Sunday my husband, after hunting all day, decided to have our neighbors over to grill the ducks/birds they just go...which ended up being a 3 hour extravaganza! :( I was loving having people over, but as soon as they left, at 9:30pm, I FREAKED out and broke down and just was like, "I just wasted 3 hours of time to study!!!!" SERIOUSLY, THAT IS WHAT I SAID.
I wasn't happy with MYSELF that I even would say such a thing. I cried so much that night because I felt like everything has changed so much and I don't think I was ready for this to be this way. I basically made a huge sacrifice by committing to going back to school. I just didn't realize it would mean everything. :(

Here is the thing:
Just like my sacrifice for school and doing homework...I have made the same "sacrifice" to follow Jesus Christ...the difference, I don't see it as a sacrifice, plus I've been following Jesus Christ for 16 years now. I hope I make this point right.
When you, or I have, decided to follow Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and allowed Him into my life and to work in my life as He so desires, I made a sacrifice that my OLD self would DIE and my new self would come alive in Christ.
I died to old ways, ways of this world. I knew my life would be different. I knew I wouldn't be the person that many people out there are. I knew I would make decisions in a different way than many others look at decisions or make those decisions, because with everything in my life comes the same common thing...Jesus Christ. Everything I do, I live and breath Jesus Christ....or least I try to. We are all human and we all make mistakes, I AM NOT PERFECT, NO SINGLE PERSON IS...
This whole back to school thing made me realize what a life changing thing this is, you have to conform to a new way of living. You have to say No to things that aren't good for you. You have to focus and learn what the Bible says (in my school case, what the Human Body says). You read it, you learn it, you MAKE it apart of your daily life. You have "tests". However, I don't really like the word "test" when it comes to "God testing you". I believe he allows things to happen and you have a choice...and no matter what choice you make, God will be with you. But God still puts things in front of you to see how you will react or what path you will choose. Same with school, I have tests. If I don't study, I will probably not be going down a good path. If I don't study the Bible, I probably will make poor decisions and go down a wrong a path. It is VERY important in both cases to study your material and be prepared for what may fall at you.

So this whole school thing...and me freaking out. Yeah, hasn't been fun. But thing of it is, it was MY choice and my choice alone. I am the one that goes to school each day I need to, I'm the one that comprehends the material, I am the one that seeks out the help. No one made me do it, no one is doing it for me. My Faith in Jesus Christ...I MADE the decision to follow Jesus Christ, and I alone came to that decision that I needed Him in my life and believed I will go to Heaven someday because of my faith and trust in Jesus Christ. No one has forced me to make that decision. You will always have people in your life that will encourage you and help you and help you understand what it all means (just like with school, I have a great support system who are my cheerleaders!) :) BUT, on both sides of that, I have people who bring you down. There will be people in your life that make fun of you for your Christian Faith, who say you are "religious" (which, don't get me started on "religious", your faith isn't a religion, it's a relationship!!!) or who mock you or tear you down. I have those same in school who say "just quit if its too hard, or yeah see, you can't do it". But who do I choose to listen to? I CHOOSE to get those people OUT of my life and focus on what I know I can do. I know school is fine, and I also know that those people in my life, that mock my Faith, aren't helping me or encouraging me, so I just pray that God is working in their lives. I will not shun them, but I simple choose to seek different encouragement in my life. I don't need that negativity!

Anyways...times gets rough, but how strong are you to pull through? How strong are you in your Faith? Nothing is meant to be easy...nothing. Not even the Christian Faith, but at least you have someone on your side fighting for you and encouraging you!!! :)

Where is your heart?

Philippians 2:3-4

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value
others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to
the interests of the others.”


This could go on the lines of complaining that I talked about the other day. If you are complaining about others, you are not holding others above yourself.
I'm having a rough time with this one and this has been a real challenge for me lately. I feel like my life is filled with hearing complaints. I get them from/at work, I get them with school, I get them from home. When life is filled with so many complaints, how is someone suppose to look positive in that. Like I said the other day...when you surround yourself with complaints, you will complain. I'm trying so hard to get away from it, but I keep getting hit with them. My boss/Pastor yesterday even told me, "now Kelly, think positive that they will have a good attitude about this!" So I thought, ya, you are right Jeff, I'll change my attitude and think positive! And I was!! I thought, OK, this is alright. If you start thinking positive about things people may surprise you.

Well, I was doing well up until 8:30 this morning when I received a rather complaining phone call about the exact matter that I was talking to Pastor about yesterday. I crumbled! And I just thought, really? Why Lord? Why?! How are you suppose to think positive and give people a chance when I KNEW it would turn this way AND IT DID! I'd like to say, my point made! But I won't. :) THIS is why I struggle so much to be positive and not complain myself. I know that not everyone is like this and it could have turned out different. I know that. I also know that God is showing me something through this and I instant turn to Him and say, "Ok God, what now? Now what do I do and how do I take this?" I don't expect Him to answer today, but I know that my attitude will turn positive and I'll move on. I know that one thing won't bring me down, as much as I wanted it to this morning.

What can change this? ME. I can BE positive and NOT complain and pray that when those around me complain, I can have deaf ears.

Complaining

I've been learning a lot about what dedication and perseverance means. I listened to a great message last night while I was running and it talked about complaining...which is actually the second message of this. It's fitting for some struggles I'm going through regarding my work situation. I love my job I do and I love where I work. My biggest struggle is LISTENING to the complaining. What I've noticed is that when you hear complaining and are constantly around negative things in your life, it starts to pull you down.

Well, that is what has been happening to me. These negative "complaining" comments keep bringing me down, to the point where I have started to complain as well. This is something I learned from the message:
If you are complaining, you are not allowing God to WORK in the situation. You are actually hindering his ability to work in the situation. Interesting. So if you continually complain about something, ITS NEVER GOING TO GET FIXED because God isn't able to work in YOUR life to either see you see a different perspective or vs versa.
Interesting...
So instead of complaining about a job, or people, or bad decisions others have made that effect outcomes (no, I'm not referring to football with the refs). Maybe instead be THANKFUL for what you do have? Your life needs to be in CONSTANT thanksgiving! Not just on Thanksgiving, BUT CONSTANTLY IN THANKSGIVING.

I find this funny and neat, because a week ago I was having a conversation with our Pastor about how I get caught up in the why "worldly" people think and it brings me down just with that. I told him that I'm not jealous of things others have or anything like that, because I honestly, fully heartily LOVE the life I have. So why do I want to pick on others with their life or why do I even look at others lives and compare them? He said... "are you truly thankful for what you have?" He just said in order to change your attitude you need to be in constant thankfulness for what you do have, just like you are telling me now. You say you are thankful, but are you truly thankful every day for the circumstances God has given you? woah...interesting thought!

So I went home and made a little poster that says "Blessings from God" and hung it on our fridge. And every time we are "thankful" or "blessed" for/by something, we write it down. I LOVE IT. My husband has really gotten into doing this (because we've both struggled with this) and it's been a blast to see what we've come up with.
But this is the point...CONSTANT thanksgiving WILL change your attitude about stuff and will result in LESS if not NO complaining! I don't know about you, but I want POSITIVE things in my life, I don't want to hear complaining.

A verse stuck out to me and it has nothing to do with complaining or thanksgiving....BUT it will help you "persevere" through those times! :)

Romans 5:3-4

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that
suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character,
hope.”

There are days

Hebrews 10:35-36

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to
persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he
has promised.”


There are many days lately when I just feel like giving up and just going back to normal. Meaning...school is rough...but I know I can do it. It is hard and it takes so much out of me and the easy solution would be, ahhh...I just want to have a normal life again, where not every night is constant studying and reading. But I'm learning this is the new lifestyle I need to adjust to and that if this is God's will for me to be back in school, then I will have the confidence when I grow weary. I will persevere through the hard nights of frustration.
There have been times during that last few weeks that I have questions that if this is really what God wants me to do. It's rough, but God never said that HIS WILL will be easy. So I know that just because this is HARD, doesn't mean I'm in the wrong Will of God. But I tell ya, I really have doubted on days, if I'm down the right path I thought God was telling me to go down. I keep plugging along and doing the best that I know I can. I give it my all and trust that is good enough and well enough to make it through. I absolutely LOVE what I am learning, as rough and intense as the information gets, I love what I am finding out about US as human beings. It's incredible how our bodies are made, how GOD made them! It's absolutely spectacular!

Lord, thank you for this verse today. I feel like you are telling me that I'm doing again, just keep pressing on to finish. It seems like this semester is so far away from being done...and I already feel like I need a break from constant studying. But Lord, I know you will give me the strength and energy to keep at it every single day! I ask that you do give me the guidance and strength when I grow weary and have the thoughts of "this is too hard." Lord, thank you for what I'm learning and I pray that I can retain this information and truly understand what it all means. I want so bad to completely understand it and not to just skim by in these classes! Its so awesome the stuff I'm learning, but its so in depth that it's hard to figure it all out at the same time or to retain that information. I ask that you help me figure that part of it out. Thank you again Lord for these struggles in this and thank you for what you are doing in my life!

I'll Admit

Yesterday I did something that I knew wasn't good, but did it anyways. Well, later that night, I paid the consequences for my poor decision.

Well, I'll admit that yesterday was a low day for me, in the fact that I ate some things that I haven't in about a month or so. I ate Skittles...and 2 donut holes (that were absolutely out of this world, home made, freshly made...yah, need I say more). Ok...most will probably think, seriously...no big deal. Well, right, normally. But I've been SO good at watching what I've been eating, because I'm trying to learn a healthier approach to some things in life, so I've really cut out some of those NON nutritious foods in my life. TO ME...that means I START with those junk foods like Soda, candy, very salty things, major sweets. I start there and work my way to a different level as I get use to even this. Well, so for 2 months almost, I've done pretty well. I haven't had a lick or sip of Soda at all! :) BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR ME...and going strong! I've had some little pieces of candy here and there, but nothing major. And as far as other sweets, we'll, I still like my cookies, there is nothing wrong with still have treats, its all in moderation. You get my point.
So I had some Skittles and some Donut holes (because Pastors wife and kids brought them in for us as a random appreciation). Here is the thing, I knew eating the Skittles (the entire bag) wasn't a good idea. I knew it wasn't the right track for me, but I decided I NEEDED them for some odd reason. And then you add on top of that donut holes (2 big ones that were incredible, did I say that already) :)
Well, by 1:00 my gut felt nasty...seriously. And I knew it was because of it. I thought, serves me right. Well, what do I do 2 hours later, top off the bag of skittles. Really Kelly? Didn't you learn from the first time? I have no idea what was going on with me! :(

Here is the situation...
I go to work out later that night, around 6:30pm. I started out with the weights, as a warm up, and then I decided to move onto the treadmill to do my normal 45 min run. I thought I was doing well, 2 minutes into it, and then around minute 5, I felt nasty! I really didn't think I would even make it to 10 minutes and I thought to myself...STUPID KELLY...THOSE DARN SKITTLES AND DONUTS...STUPID STUPID STUPID!!
I was NOT happy with myself.
I trudged along and finally made it to 10 minutes and I decided to stop running (I never do this, ahh, was that a blow to my self esteem at first) and I decided to walk for a little bit so this gut-wrenching pain can stop. I walked for about 20 minutes and as I did that, this is what came to me:

Sometimes in life we make poor decisions and when we FEED ourselves with unhealthy things, it slows us down in the direction we want to go. If we feed ourselves with gossip, with lies, with addictions, with fiction stories/books, with profanity...ok, the list could go on and on. If we are trying to live a better life or better yet, a life that is Christ-centered, these things in our life will only slow you down from seeing believing what God has in store for you. If I wouldn't have eaten those skittles and donuts, I would have been able to run the race that I HAD intended to run that night. But instead, my race was held back because I choose to eat unhealthy things...therefore effecting my body which resulted in effecting my race.
When you make those decisions and it causes you to slow down and maybe grow weary of this run, you slow down to figure it out and regain what you lost. You use that time to learn from those mistakes. Mistakes will happen, it's HUMAN nature. But its how you recover from that, that matters. Am I just going to keep filling my body (mind) with unhealthy things in life? I sure hope not. But again, I learn from these and I get stronger because of it.
Last night, I walked for a period of time and then I started running. I used the walking period to figure out where I went wrong and to regain the strength my body needed (feeding it back with healthy things) so that I could pick back up and start running again after a period of time.

Lord, I thank you that I ate poor things yesterday so that I could realize how bad that was for my body to experience. Why would I want to do that again? I'm sure I'll make those mistakes again, but what I love is your grace and forgiveness each time we make them. I thank you for the illustration it brought to mind of how those same things can effect us in our Spiritual life/walk. Thank you for what you are doing in my life and I ask for continued strength and guidance at where I am going for you guidance continually.

Special Day

Today is my husband Birthday. :)

I feel so incredibly blessed that I know this man and not only that, but that God created him in such a unique way and a way that both him and I fit so well together. I'm one blessed girl to have this man in my life!

I was thinking about it the other day when I was looking at Ben and admiring the man he is...I just kept thinking about how cool he is! :) hehehe
He has such a love and passion for so many things and he always puts his ALL into everything he does. I never see him give less than 100% on something. I look up to him in so many ways. He is such a hard work, a great leader, a wonderful encourager, expresses his love and care, (the list could go on)...I"ll spare you.

This week has been extra special for me. Since I've gone back to school and had to figure out the whole study thing over again, I've been able to witness some really neat things and I know it's God showing me stuff all over again. This week has been rough, challenging, exciting, and very knowledgeable. I've seen my husband give me the support he has said from day one he would give me when we decided I would go back to school. I didn't even have to ask him to help me, he jumped right in to help me as I was reading a chapter in my book. I loved that! :) And to sit and listen to him try to explain to me what a cation and an anion are/is...was rather...o what's the word...beautiful. In that moment is when I realized how deep his passion and knowledge goes for things! He's a smart cookie! :) But I sat back and listened to him explain this stuff to me and I couldn't help but NOT listen to the content and instead I was listening to the passion that God has GIVEN him! "Who honestly gets this stuff? and not only that, but who cares?"...well MY HUSBAND! :) But its SOOO COOL to me how he GETS IT and HE WANTS ME TO GET IT! God has given him the amazing talent to teach others...my husband is SOOO patient!

Also in this week I've realize through my Human Body class just how ridiculously awesome our bodies are! I've been able to understand this stuff a lot better than I did in high school, but it is just mind blowing at how our bodies operate! Seriously...ridiculous! And all I could think about was "what an awesome creator we have!"
How else does our body just function the way it does? It can't. God specifically created a cell, tissue, organs and each of them function separately, but together. It's mind boggling how some can think that this just APPEARED. It's like when someone made the computer...do you think it just BOOM appeared for us all to use and work on...NO...someone spent numerous amount of time and materials to create such a machine. Our bodies are no different. God spent his time ON YOU, on US, on ME. And not only that, we are all so unique in our own ways and gave us all our own little passions and desires and thoughts. Why? So that we could all help each other out and work together!
If we all were "cells", we wouldn't accomplish anything. For example... if we were all engineers, we would have a lot of stuff made, but we wouldn't have anyone else in this world to use it (heal us - (doctors). If we were all doctors, we wouldn't have anyone to make the equipment the doctors use - (engineers).
And when I look at my husband and how God specifically created him...I just smile! Because what his passion and love is, is not mine. (he loves science, I can't figure it out). But God created him with that knowledge and now he is able to HELP me with it. God created me with a passion to organize (my husband sometimes is not organized)...so I help him out and make sure things are in the right place for him.

This week has been so cool to realize how our bodies work and what makes us tick and not tick.

Today, and everyday, I'm so thankful for my gifted husband. I'm blessed at how God created him and not only that but that God decided to put us two together to experience life together. What a blessing and a gift we have! I appreciate so much the love and passion and joy my husband has more so today and this week than I have ever had in the 7 years I have known him. I thank you Jesus for showing me that this week, and of all weeks on his Birthday! Thank you for the caring person he is and for the example he is to MANY around him of what Christs LOVE is. Thank you for his kind heart and giving heart! Thank you Lord Jesus for this sweet sweet man! I pray I can continue to love and appreciate this man while you have given him to us here on earth!

Happy Birthday duck!

How many of these will I have?

Yesterday, Sunday, was a rough day for me. I had it planned to spend the entire day doing school work and studying. I was actually all excited to get it all straightened out and in order and work on things.
I went to my email account and ended up reading an email from my instructor that I didn't appreciate! Ya see, on Friday I emailed her asking her about some assignments and how confused I was with where things were located online (this class is done half online and half in class). So I finally got that response from her and I read it yesterday. It wasn't what I was expecting...it was rather rude! And this set the tone for my entire day. :(
She didn't answer my questions at all, and she told me to post it online and ask the students to have them respond (because she didn't have time). OK...great...so now I rely on my fellow students to answer these questions?! really?? WONDERFUL.
So I was rather upset with her comments to me and I honestly felt like giving up right then and there. I thought, "I DON'T NEED THIS!" I'll drop out and take this class another time with a different instructor. What a jerk, I thought." I didn't feel like doing anything from that point on. I called my husband (he was out fishing) and he calmed me down and said it would be OK and to do what she said to do. He said yeah, that was pretty rude, but you have to learn to deal with crappy instructors too. It just was REALLY disappointing!
I was still so upset that I couldn't and didn't want to study or do anything. So I made some cookies instead for my husband. :) That took my mind off the stupid subject. Then I went to visit one of my friends at Maurices and chatted with her about everything too. It felt good to get out and not be so upset. Then I watched the Packer game and got more upset about how stupid they played (but that is another subject).
I finally picked back up the material half way through the Packer game. I started to work on it and by then my husband came home and we worked through some things and he saw online with what I was so frustrated with. And doing that alone, actually solved all my questions! Weird!! It actually made me feel stupid that I talked myself through it and finally understood my assignment. gooooeew..
But now I know, but now I'm more overwhelmed because of the stuff I'm reading! haha.
I'm so scared right now of failure. This stuff is so hard and in a different language to me. I am thankful for a wonderful husband who "gets it" and is such a good teacher. He is trying to hard to help me understand the science behind everything. I am so lost and it's only been 1 week. :( How will I make it through 16 weeks of this? Its rather scary to think about and very overwhelming to think about.
One day at a time, one chapter at a time, one subject at a time.

I know that I need to ask God for more help. Not that He will instantly make it easier, but I need to turn to him to help me focus and be able to take all the information in. I'm overwhelmed with the thought of failure that that alone is consuming me. I need to stop thinking that way and just take this stuff one chapter at a time, one day at a time, one thought at a time. I need to figure it out with the help of God!
O Lord, I ask that you help me figure out my thoughts. I ask that you help me focus and put aside the fear I have that is coming with all of this. I ask that you comfort me in my fears and I ask that you comfort me in knowing that you will help me get through this time. I thank you for my husband and the amazing person you made him to be and the incredible knowledge you've given him with science! What a gift! I ask that we can work well together during this time and that we continue on together to help each other during this. Thank you for the Human Body. As rough as this one class seems to be for me, I thank you for how you created our human body. It's so incredibly detailed!!! wow! It blows me away to think of how a cell can have some many parts in it...a tiny thing.
thank you for what I'm learning and I pray that you can help me to remember it all and focus on it!

Can you go the distance?

Two weeks ago I went running and I accomplished a new all-time distance for myself, which was 6.5 miles. That was astonishing for myself. The furthest up to that point that I reached was 4miles. I remember two weeks before I hit 6.5 miles, I told my husband that I think I could do 6 miles, since I've been doing 4 miles pretty well. He said, sure you can!

So I tried it one night, and I was amazed at how well that went and how great it felt. I thought it was going to be terrible, but turns out it was rather awesome! :)

Those that know me best, know that I just don't stop there. I instantly after accomplishing that said, and next is 8 miles! I knew I could do it...I WANTED to do it.

Last night...I started running thinking I would only go for 45 minutes which usually equals 4-5miles for me. Well, once I hit 20 minutes at a little over 2 miles, I thought, "tonight I'm going to do 8 miles!" ah...and ONCE i get that SLIGHTEST THOUGHT in my brain, I HAVE to do!

What do ya know... I DID IT! :) I hit 8 miles last night in 75 minutes. And about 5 minutes after I accomplished it, I said...next is 10miles! ahhh...

How did it feel...NOT as great as 6 miles...but an amazing feeling...nothing like it...weird huh?

Mile 5 was actually the toughest and I thought about how am I going to get 3 more in? I had lost some of my focus during that mile. I was SO focus all the miles before that...that is why I knew I could get 8 miles in that night. I knew I was focus and that I could do it. But then when mile 5 came I couldn't keep focus and I found myself trying to change music too much and get back on track...but it just bugged me. I eventually figure it out and regained my focus and miles 6 and beyond were MUCH better...I was feeling great! That last mile...was very interesting. It's like my body new it was the last mile, so my legs decided to become WOOD. I really am not sure how describe this feeling, but my legs felt like 2x4's...WOOD. Probably numb, but it was like they weren't as strong...but yet I couldn't feel how weak it was either. It was strange. My legs didn't hurt and I felt no cramps...it just felt strange. I ended up pushing up my speed that last mile as well and that actually made my legs feel better!

So what's the point of my story and this accomplishment you probably feel I'm "bragging" about? Well, it got me thinking about how this is a lot of how my life, or any ones life, is. You start out on your journey, not really knowing how long you will go for...but you try to make it as far as you can or as long as you can, until your body eventually shuts down, right? You start out good, and starting, thinking you can go far, but then something along the way pulls at you, tugs you away (mile 5). You can't seem to figure out which direction to go, if you just stop and give up or if you cry out for help to regain the focus in life and continue on with your journey. Now, this doesn't just happen one time in your life...you might cramp up, you might grow weary, you might need some water (refreshment...The Word of God) to keep you going.

What I realized was that my life hit a BIG curve a year ago, shortly after we moved, or maybe it was the move all in general. I had no idea that my life would take a turn like it did. Not that it was terrible or wrong, but I struggled in so many areas that I didn't think I would. I didn't expect my Faith to be rocked liked it did. I didn't expect to question everything in life, everything about my life, and everything about what life would be. That's just it...YOU MIGHT think you have this RUN just fine (mile 2, feeling good), but right when you 'feel good', God will show you some unbelievable things (circumstances)...and it's a matter of how strong are you to keep running through it? It might seem like life around you can't get picked up (like what I felt like), but the truth is...it's not over till you CALL it over. You might struggle for a year, a month, a week...a decade (1 mile, 2 mile, 8 miles)...but no matter what, GOD will bring you through it....but here is the key...are you asking God to bring you through it?

When I hit mile 5 last night, when I struggled and couldn't figure out why my focus was lost (exactly what has happened to me this past year!!!, funny huh?)...but as soon as I dropped my "I got this" attitude with running, I looked back up and focus and said "alright God...if I'm going to make it to mile 8...I need you to help me focus again! I can't do this run without you, without you helping me every step of the way!"

HONESTLY...

and shortly after...my focus came back...my focus WANTED to be there, and God helped me bring it there. Now, He could have made me wait another mile to figure that out and struggle through, like I said...some struggles might be a month, a year...or longer...but sometimes God carries you out sooner.

So...can you go the distance that God has set out for you...even though you have no idea what distance that is? It doesn't matter if your distance is 8 miles or 80 years...Don't look at that as end sight...your end could be when you are 20, when you are 30, when you are 50...or maybe 100. None of us knows when our distance will end...all that we need to be focused on, is where God is taking you NOW and are you living that life HE wants for you. Are you living your life for Him and Him alone? Are you trusting in Him and Him alone?

I pray Lord Jesus, that my distance can go far...not age wise, but I pray that my strength is gained through these struggles. I am blessed for what I've gone through this past year to realize all that I am now and how I feel so much stronger because of it. I know I always have a lot of work to do in this life of mine, but I'm thankful that I have you, God, right here, every day, every minute, every second...helping me and guiding me.

Thank you!

Today is the day

Isaiah 48:17

“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”

I have many anxious & nervous feelings going through me today. Today I start school again! I'm going for a second degree, 6 years after getting my first degree. I'm extremely nervous, anxious and very much humbled and asking for strength not only for today, but for the rest of this journey. I've had many feelings coming over me with joy, excitement, fear, apprehensiveness, sceptical, back to joy, some more fear.

I have so many wonders about this. Am I doing the right thing? Why am I doing this? How can I do this? Will I be able to do this? I have so many fears as well...fear of failure, fear of "this isn't made for me, like I thought", and then..."well now what?"

6 years ago I graduated and I always had some sort of thought I might be back at it, but as the years have gone by, I found that I probably never would go back. And now, here I am. I feel old, but more importantly, I feel driven. I hope my driven way right now, to do this degree, really pushes me and helps me when the studies get rough. I just hope that I am able to figure this "study stuff" out after 6 years of not doing much of that at all.

My husband and I have prayed about this day for a long while now. It's strange that I am doing this for many reasons.

Lord Jesus I just pray right now that all my fears and anxieties subside and that I focus on this. I pray that this is what I'm suppose to do. I am scared that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm in your will and what I'm suppose to be doing. When I received my books last week, I freaked out Lord. I pray that feelings go away. I pray that my nervous and wondering will go away. I pray I can be confident that this what YOU want me to be doing. Lord I pray that others opinions of me going back to school will just go away...i pray that I can't hear them! I want to be doing this because YOU want me to be doing this. I pray that I don't give up, just because that is the easier option to do. Lord...I pray I can focus!

Lord, can I do this? I pray I have strength for this year. O Lord, I thank you for this past Summer and all that you showed me! I feel blessed at how you are working my life. I pray that you continue to show me these things and continue to guide me and give me the strength. Lord, I CANNOT do this alone! I"m thankful you are here each step of the way!

Unfailing Love

Psalm 94:18-19

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”

Can this verse be any more true for my life? :) It makes me smile.

I feel like a few months ago, my feet were slipping and I was desperately trying to figure out my footing...and right when I thought I was going to fall, I felt God's love and embrace and He brought me back to my feet and He has helped me figure out this life and not only that, it showed me over and over again that God is here all the time, but you need to call out to Him. My anxiety hit an all time high for me 4 months ago...and I couldn't handle it. But God could...and He showed me all along that I just needed to let Him do it for me...that He took those burdens I was feeling and still feel and He is carrying them.

I feel blessed.

This verse is amazing!

Pressures of the World...

Well, it's official! I'm a student again!

Come September 5, I will be embarking on yet another degree. This decision might seem sudden to most as I have NOT talked about it at all. But that is only because I wanted to be 100% positive of something before I shared anything. Kind of like when you get pregnant and you want to make sure you make it past the first trimester before you spill the beans about it. Yah, kind of like that.
;)
ha, see, got ya all thinking about babies now, don't I. Well, REST assured, no babies to speak. This still does involve that, but on a different level.

Most might be wondering how in the world did this school thing happen. Well, honestly, it started a year ago! I worked with a gal at Maurices that was going to school for exactly this and every time I worked with her I asked her questions about the program. By the way, the program is Medical Assistant (1 year).
And as I drilled her with questions and learned more and more about this occupation, I realized more and more that "hey, that sounds like something I could do!" I talked with hubby about it and he said, yeah, sounds about right. But it wasn't anything serious about it.
Well, come March I started to think about it more and more and more. Our good friends here in Rhinelander, she is a Medical Assistant as well and has also been a great support to understanding more about this as well. She told me I probably should think about it soon and to apply and just get on the waiting list because there is usually a year waiting list with this program. So apply soon. I thought about it and thought about it and wasn't sure.
Then one weekend when hubby and I were traveling somewhere we had a LONG talk about it all and discovered that my unhappiness is probably because of my lack of challenges I face or the lack of potential that I'm not using. My hubby, the great advisor that he is, suggested I apply for school and really do this (he had many more words too, that were very encouraging).
So I thought it over day after day and I soon found myself on the computer looking into the application and found myself actually submitting it and then found myself calling my high school and college asking for the transcripts to be sent. I then found myself sitting in the Advisors office figuring all this school and classes out!
what?
Well, I did it. I applied, got all paperwork in, and sat in the Advisors office yesterday. I found out that INDEED there was a waiting list (as I figured, since I applied 7 weeks before school started). :) BUT she said that I could start taking some of the classes now for Fall and in Spring and that I would be put on the waiting list and be able to start Fall 2013 if everything else came back OK. So, I signed up for my first 2 classes yesterday and even paid for them. WHEW...here I go!

So...what have I learned. I've learned that this has been rather challenging for me to actually do this. I've learned that the pressures of the world are ENORMOUS! Every time I turned around and told someone that I was thinking about going back to school, it was a million questions being thrown at me...ESPECIALLY about family and having kids. Honestly, it made me sick. It didn't question my desire or intentions, but WOW did it make me realize how much MY LIFE is MY LIFE and no one elses to live. It made me realize that MY LIFE is GOING TO BE different than THEIR life. I struggled because I already knew, or least I thought I knew, where God was taking me, and then when you get people telling you "you need to think about a Family", you second guess is this really right? What is God doing? Why am I going back to school at 27 years old? Why am I not thinking about a family? Why are people telling me I'm selfish and not thinking about a family? Why am I telling MYSELF that I can't do this, I'm too old? What is God doing? And why Now? Why couldn't I figure this out 5 years ago, or even 2 years ago? Why now?
O boy, I struggled so hard to just swallow those "lies" I heard and focused on what I knew God was doing and what I knew was BEST for us. And thankful for my husband, who talked me through it once more last night as we finally made the decision to do it. He made me realize that THIS is what is BEST for us...that THIS is OUR lives, not THEIRS. That what we are doing, is what God wants us to be doing. That sure, we might be 27/29 years old...BUT WHAT makes that mean we should have a family now? WHO ever said that you need to have a family NOW or by this time or this or that. It makes me cry...and did. Because I told my hubby, "I just feel like i"m so behind in life." He just said, "what makes you think that?" I told him, "well, everyone is having kids, in a job...and now I'm just figuring out a different career possibility and now a family is pushed back..." he just said...Kelly...OUR life is OUR life. Who said we need to be having a family right now? Who ever said that you are too old to go back to school? blah blah blah...
and I just said...
"I've never experienced the pressures of the World as much as I have in the past 2 months!"

wow, are there so many expectations that people "MAKE UP" and think it should be FOR YOU. What is your life, is YOUR life, what is my Life is MY life...GOD is in control of my life, NO ONE ELSE! NOT EVEN ME!!!
And if God is directing me back to school at 27 years old, then THAT is what I'm going to do. If God wants me to have kids NOW, that will happen, if God wants me to have kids when I'm 30, that will happen, if God wants me to NEVER have kids, that will be that. If I am to go to school, I will, if I graduate, awesome. If I don't, God will use that somehow too. But what I know is that what goes on in others peoples lives doesn't mean that I NEED to be doing that too. God has different paths for all us. Some have kids when they are 20, some won't even get married until they are 35. That doesn't make either one of them "less on track" than the other one. It's what God had for their lives and it's different for everyone.

I am the most frustrated with the fact that I LET the pressures of the "world" consume me and doubt me from what God is doing in my life. I"m still not sure what God is really doing with this whole back to school thing, but either way, I still looked at the pressures of the world and let it control my thoughts and frustrations. That is what makes me sad! I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who is there for me 100%, supporting me and helping me see what God is showing us...as our family and for me individually. I'm thankful that God is showing me something, still not sure what that is or what it will look like, but I'm confident that no matter what direction I'm going, God will be there walking beside me helping me along the way!

Who do you put...

Who do you put your Faith, Trust & Hope into?

Our news only got dimmer last night. Just when everything seemed to be OK with my dad, things are now back to where they were 2 weeks ago...on edge! :(
My dad still might have a Brain Tumor. But the worst part is that its in a spot that will be inoperable. :( But first things first...we have to wait 5 weeks to see. So first off...WE CAN'T jump to any conclusions. Sure, I'm scared beyond belief and very frustrated and more so confused.

Just a week ago the Dr was telling us that he didn't think it was tumor at all...he was 99% sure it wasn't. So how now do they change their mind. First of all...we are all human, even Drs. So mistakes happen. I'm NOT mad at these Drs. by any means. But when my mom called me last night to tell me what all was going on, I didn't freak out. My mom was rather upset, and the first and only thing that popped out of my mouth (which I don't get how I said this...but now realize it's all God) was "MOM! You where do you put your Faith & Trust? You need to stop and put your Faith & Trust in God and God alone! These Drs. told us mixed news, yes. But YOU DON'T put your Faith, Trust & Hope in these Drs....EVER. The only things you put your faith, hope & trust into is God and God alone! The Drs. might tell you TERRIBLE news, like they seem to be doing now...BUT that doesn't mean anything..because God is bigger than that, he is the ultimate healer. The Drs. might tell you GOOD news, which WE THOUGHT we had...but turns out, yep, they are human.
God is choosing something different for us at this time. Good or bad, we don't know...we don't need to know RIGHT now. Right now we need to be focus on our Faith, Hope & Trust in God. But now, JUST because I trust God and have Faith in Him during this time, DOESN'T mean that He is going to heal my dad. It never means that. What it means is that I trust God that He will TAKE me through this time in my life and give me (us) the strength to get through it. And in that time...see what marvelous things we can LEARN out of it.
I'm learning it is NEVER good to put your Faith, Trust & Hope into the World...for the world fails you. But does God ever fail you? No, He is always there for you. Again, good or bad, God will TAKE YOU THROUGH IT.
I want my Faith, Trust & Hope to be in Jesus Christ and Him alone during this time. I ask Him for the strength each day to get me through it and to guide me and protect my thoughts. I now He will. I still have my bad days, like today. Today, not such a good day...but that is OK to have emotions about it...God gave us those.
But what I ask for, is the understand of who is bigger than this, and God is bigger than this ordeal! He already knows what will happen and He already knows what the spot means. God can do anything! Do you trust that?

I don't ask you Lord to heal my dad, as that would be beyond wonderful. But it's more than just healing my dad. Peel back the surface of just "healing my dad" because God is so much bigger than that. God doesn't always HEAL someone when you pray for them to be healed. I PRAY that God uses these 5 weeks to strength our Faith in Him. I pray that He uses my dad from now until 5 weeks in a marvelous way...even with the Drs. I pray for the Drs. as well, as this is something they are both (the Neurologist and Neurosurgeon) haven't really dealt with much before or even seen. I pray God uses them and sees our Faith through it as well. I just ask for prayers for us during this waiting time until we find out 5 weeks from now. We will all have our moments, especially my mom and dad. I pray they get strength and they turn to God more than ever with this.

New Life

I was continuing on with my book today, "Victory over Darkness" and in Chapter Two (yah, I'm only that far), it talks about New Life Requires New Birth.

Here are some of the highlights. It takes me back from that very moment, in September when I was 11 years old, that I came to this realization of my own Faith and Life in Jesus Christ. What a walk down memory lane...

We weren't born in Christ. We were born dead in our trespasses and sins (see Ephesians 2:1). Physical birth gains only physical life for us. Spiritual life, the eternal life Christ promises to those who come to Him, is gained only through spiritual birth. (see John 3:36).

What does it mean to be spiritually alive in Christ? the moment you were born again your soul came into union with God in the same way Adam was in union with God before the Fall. You became spiritually alive and your name was written in the Lamb's book of life (see Revelation 21:27). Eternal life is not something you get when you die!

If you are a believer, you are spiritually alive in Christ right now. The only thing that will change wen you die physically is that you will exchange your mortal body for a new resurrected one. Your spiritual life in Christ, which began when you personally trusted in Him, will merely continue on. Salvation is not a future addition; it is a present transformation. That transformation occurs at spiritual birth, not physical death.

Being a Christian is not just a matter of getting something; it is a matter of being someone. A Christian is not simply a person who is forgiven and goes to heaven. A Christian, in terms of his or her deepest identity, is a saint, a spiritually born child of God, a divine masterpiece, a child of light, a citizen of heaven. Being born again transformed you into someone who didn't exist before. What you receive as a Christian isn't' the point; it is who you are. It is not what you do as Christian that determines who you are; it is who you are that determines what you do!

Here is the biggest thing for me...you don't change yourself by your perception. You change your perception of yourself by believing the truth. If you perceive yourself wrongly, you will live wrongly because what you are believing is not true. If you think you are a no-good bum, then you will probably live like a no-good bum. If however, you see yourself as a child of God, who is spiritually alive in Christ, you will begin to live accordingly.

What was happening to me all these months...Satan was distorting my view, the character of God and the truth of who I am! He can't take away my salvation, but he (Satan) can make me believe a LIE, and we will live according to those lies we believe. I was believing a lie that I was "a no-good bum." I was living as if my identity in Christ wasn't true!

So what has changed from even a month ago. I've taken hold of my Faith once again, and told God to take BACK control of ME. He ALWAYS has control of you, but I wasn't letting Him lead me. I was trying to lead myself, which ultimately opened up the door for Satan to come in and TRY to take me down a path that wasn't TRUTH. I'm so thankful that God made me struggle the past 7 months so that I could see what it's like to believe so many lies. Odd thing to be thankful for, huh? Yeah, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have that happen!

Not only that, I am FOREVER THANKFUL that I am a Child of God FOREVER, NOTHING can strip me of that, NOTHING! Because I made the decision back 16 years ago to follow Jesus Christ and have Him as my personal Savior, NOTHING in my life ever would be the same, and NOTHING can strip me of it. I know that I am going to Heaven someday and I'm forever thankful! I am forever thankful that I am a Child of God, alive in Him!

Things in this life may come at me, like they have even in the past month, but as long as I remember that God takes the big and the small and will guide you through it. Nothing is too small for Him to help you with! And nothing is too BIG for him to heal! I don't know about you, but I'd want to be a Child of God...not a slave to the World!

2 Weeks

Yesterday I hit a big milestone for myself. I hit 2 weeks without a single drop of soda put into my body. Most might think this is no big deal, but for me, it's become what they call an addiction. You know how a lot of people have smoking or drinking addictions. Well, I have a soda addiction. It's not terrible, but I have to have 1 soda a day. It's not like I drank the stuff all day long, o goodness NO. But I always had ONE A DAY. Usually no more than that. But I would get terrible headaches if I didn't have my soda by lunch time.

Well, yesterday (Monday) hit 2 weeks with absolutely no soda whatsoever. How on earth did I do that? I'm still in awe as this has always been a big challenge for me. I know it has take ALL God and very little of my willpower to get through it. It's been all God's willpower for me. For two weeks I've drank more water than I can ever imagine...and not much of anything else actually. For two weeks I've had NO headaches! Huh? Now that is God! For me not to get one single headache from not having my soda intake is nothing short of God! I've had my cravings, yes...especially when all your family around you is drinking it all day long! :( But it honestly just made me sick to think how much soda intake they were having and I wasn't! I was proud of myself, as hard as it was, I was proud that my body doesn't want it either.

I keep going on strong...I plan to make it a whole month. Then what? I keep going. I don't plan on having any, any time soon.

What has it done for...honestly has made feel great! When I do my running at night, I feel so much better. I don't feel bogged down like I use to. I feel better about myself, that I'm doing this for the better of myself...and it's a big accomplishment to do! I couldn't be doing this if I didn't ask for God's strength in this area each every day that I tackle.

Thank you Jesus for 2 weeks free...thank you for the strength and the desire gone. I pray that I can keep this up and I pray the temptations go away still. I pray the desire doesn't come when I see it or even when I talk about it, like now.

Thank you for what you are showing me through this!

Even when it Hurts...

My good friend sent me this music video over this weekend when I was dealing with the situation with my dad. I actually didn't watch it until Tuesday AM, after most of what we went through seems to be OK at this point. I didn't want to listen to it becuase I knew it would make me ball like a baby.
But you HAVE to listen to this one!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk

It's funny, because God did just this...he steadied my heart! :)
Amazing testiment of what God can do and what He IS doing! Thank you Jesus.

I'm not going to worry, I know you've got me...right inside the palm of your hand!

"Never Seen Bluer Skies"

-is what my husband said yesterday as we walked out of the Aspirus hospital in Wausau.
Our Faith has never been more real to us than it was this weekend.

On Friday afternoon my husband and I took a boat ride and went swimming and then later went fishing. When we left the house, I looked at my phone and thought, "nah, I don't want to take this phone with me on the boat tonight."
And out the door we went.
When we returned 5 hours later, I came to my phone and saw I had 2 text messages, 7 missed called and 3 voice mails. I thought. O NO! I saw who the missed calls were from and thought this isn't good. Something happened to one of them (mom & dad). So I called my mom back, just like she frantically told me in her voicemail earlier that evening.
She went on to say that they took dad into the Dr. today and that they didn't get very good news. I thought, OK, here we go...he has cancer or something, right? Mom just said, well, last night (Thrs) when he got up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom he got all dizzy and fell hard into the hallway wall. And then it happened again a few hours later when he got up for the morning. So thankfully my mom made him go to the Dr. and he had a few tests done. Everything was checking out just fine but then the Dr. ordered an MRI on his brain just to be sure of everything. And that is when the news turned ugly.
At that point, mom said dad has a possible Brain Tumor. Honestly, my heart sunk, but all I could do was to listen and wonder how and why? Mom went on to say some other things they tought, maybe a slight stroke and this or that. But my mind stayed in Tumor. Mom said they go to Wausau on Monday to talk with a specialist on this.
I got of the phone, sobbing right after I hung up the phone. My husband grabs me and he doesn't know yet, so I tell him and we sit and talk for a bit, well more like cry it out. After about 15 minutes of starring at the floor, I got up and said, "well, I'm going to take a shower and how about you cook up the rest of that pizza?!" I think my husband was in shock. He looked at me and I knew what he was thinking so I said, "well, no use in sitting around worrying about this when we have NO IDEA what it really is. We have to wait till Monday, so we might as well Trust God and do what God wants us to do this weekend." And with that, I took a shower.
I cried out to God in the shower, sobbing some more...but realizing what I just said was so true. Never in my life have I been able to be that strong and move on. I wasn't in disbelief of what was going on, I was WELL aware of what all of this meant, but I felt God giving me the strength that night to move on at least with that evening.
Saturday came and I found myself wondering if I should meet up with my parents someone. But I was so afraid to because I knew that would make me fall apart. I was in a good place with my emotions and with what God was doing in my life at that moment. I decided to go about my Saturday as normal, as best I could try to anyways. I was amazed at what strength I found throughout the day. I had my moments, yes....but I never went to the worst. I was in awe at my feelings, and I know it was all God. God was showing me that when I put my Faith in Him, that He would give me the strenght I need in that moment, and that IS JUST what He did. Did I think because of all this it would "heal" my dad. No! Just because you TRUST God doesn't mean it will always be a good outcome and I was well aware of that too. But I was trusting God to give us the strenght TO GET THROUGH IT! Big difference.
Sunday came. I hadn't slept well that Saturday night so Sunday I was rather exhausted. We went to church, a different church and it was a church that my parents have been wanting to come up to visit for awhile now, and that is when things started to hit me. "this is where my dad wants to visit, will he ever visit now?" Is what I kept thinking. I was a mess in church only because everything was so perfect for US and the situation at hand. I was a mess because I felt Jesus right next to me the entire time wrapping His arms around me. It was a beautiful thing, but very scary at the same time.
I went home to take a nap, to wipe away some of these struggles. I woke up an hour later, refreshed and my husband I did some yard work. It was refreshing. But I started to struggling once again later on and realized I needed to call on God for more STRENGTH. That evening ended up well and we prepared for Monday. My husband and I were planning on meeting up with Mom and Dad in Wausau to be there with them through their appointment.
Monday came and I couldn't believe once again how strong I was feeling. I know it was all God because I thought I would be a mess, especially when I saw my dad. I was at first, well choked up, but as soon as I saw him I just smiled and said, "you'll be OK dad! You'll be OK!" He didn't say much, we just all hugged and walked down the hall to get to the 3rd floor.
He got in right on time and we all were able to go into the Drs room together. Long story short...
When the Dr. came in...he looked at my dad and did a few little things, then looked at all of us and he said, "well I want to take the tension out of the room, I do not think it is a tumor!" We all were looking at each other in disbelief...and then my mom finally said what we were all thinking, "well how can you just say that?" It was funny and the Dr. said "I'll finish this stuff and then I'll explain why I think it is NOT a tumor."
He then read the REPORT from the MRI scan he had on Friday, something we didn't see or know. First of, he said he was going to call us on Saturday/Sunday, so that he could tell us that he didn't think it was a tumor once he saw the MRI images and report. But he didn't want to do that because he wanted to physically SEE my dad first, in case he SAW something just by looking at my dad that would maybe make him think differently. So that is why barely 5 minutes into meeting my dad he said those things that he didn't think it was a tumor.
He then said that when the Dr. in Rapids called him (this Dr.) on Friday about the MRI images, he had told this Dr. that it was a 5 CM spot on the brain. Which is why this Dr. wanted to see my dad Monday, right away. But when he received the written report and images later Friday night and was studying them, it was a 5 MM spot on the brain, NOT 5 CM...which is also what the Dr. in Rapids had told my parents...well not the dimensions, but told them it was a tumor. So the communication got mixed up. :( Human error...it happens. I believe it was God. I believe the Drs did see something, YES...but did it change later.? No...but I believe all this happens for a reason. The communication got lost somewhere in the phone calls, bad reception or something, no big deal. Eider way, still serious enough to come see this Dr.
So this Dr. told us that first of all...and then read the report. When my dad had the MRI on Friday, they put dye in his blood system so that the tumor would take that dye and it would show up on the images. This 5 MM spot, didn't take to the dye,reason #1 to believe it is not a tumor. Reason #2, this Dr. has seen thousands of thousands of tumors in his life and he has never seen one shaped this way. He said tumors ALWAYS look a certain way, and this one does not look like a tumor. Reason #3, the way it is placed in the brain. There are a few other reasons too, but I won't get into them, these are the most important ones.
So then onto the what this spot is. He said he has reason to believe is from a slight stroke. Which is something the Dr. in Rapids had mentioned before too. So he talked us through that and why he thinks its a slight stroke. The way its shaped and placed on the brain, it makes complete sense. And the way my dad responded by dizzy and falling into the wall, makes sense too. Most people think of strokes as their left side getting all goofy and such. Well, that is a normal or major stroke. With my dad, he is FINE on the outside, yes...but that doesn't mean he still didn't have a stoke, He did, just that it was so slight all that happened was it through his balance off for a few hours. Which is what he dr. said happens. He said most people have strokes and don't even realize they even had one!! Weird. but wow!! So he believes that is what happened with my dad.

They are doing a few more tests on my dad today and did last night as well...just to be even more confident in saying it is not a tumor. He will get another MRI scan 6 months from now too, to see if that spot is any different. If it is bigger, then they need to look more at it, but it could potentially even be GONE by then.

I learned this weekend, that my Faith is stronger than I even thought possible. I learned that in the last month that I've been struggling with who I am and even my relationship with Christ and where my Faith has gone....IT HAS always been there, i know that, but I realized this weekend that God had a lot of things happen to me this past month to prepare me for what I faced Friday night by hearing that news. He grew me so much without me realizing it this past month. I realized that my Faith is by far stronger than I ever imagined! I realized that strength comes when you completely give it up to God...and HE gave the strength to give it up!
I realized many other things too. I realized that life is precious...everyone always does realize this when faced with the unknown of how long you will have a loved one in your life. But I also realized that my parents are amazing and I love them so much more deeply than I did on Thursday. I realized that us as a family really came together this weekend and supported my mom and dad. I realized that we are always there for each other, might not always seem like it, but we are always there for each other! :)
I realized that my parents have an amazing support system where they are at right now in Rapids. my parents have been thinking about moving up to the Northwoods for about a year now and this weekend I realized they are NOT to move up here. I told them they better NOT move up here and that they HAVE TO take their sign down on their house. I told them they have amazing friends and family who stuck by them STRONG this weekend through this whole thing. And would they have that if they moved. No, not for A LONG time. They NEED to stay where they are, because if something ever happens again, they NEED them in their lives. So thankyou to all of them, family and friends, who stuck by my parents in their time of need. They never felt more loved and cared for! Your prayers were amazing. Not because of the "good news" we received, but because it really showed how strong people are when they bond together in this! It's amazing to see the strength it creates.
What if the outcome would have been different? Would we still be thankful? I know my Faith would still be strong! Would yours? I know that if my dad DID have a tumor, i know that my Faith wouldn't change and I know that God would carry us through it. Wouldn't be easy, but I know that God would have called my dad to that tumor and in that time in his life we would seek God out and Trust in Him to take us through it...NOT to heal him, but to take us through it.
For right now...my dad is OK...and I'm forever praising Jesus for what he taught me through this. What did He teach you?

I want to leave you with this song...a song that played right before I left for the hospital yesterday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdFdoWlyUDA

Here are the lyrics...really pay attention to the lyrics...its a common song, but once you really listen the lyrics it really hits you.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Will Power or God?

We're gonna get personal here...OK...well, I guess I already do that. But this is where I become most self-conscious.

A week ago I literally cried out to God to help me with some major struggles in my life. I've been struggling with some bad habits and I finally broke down with them and decided its going to take more than me to figure this out! I've tried to just will power it myself, I've tried to get my husband to hold me accountable (only works when he actually is around), and just not having these things in my life...but my will power, has been TERRIBLE.
I've struggles with the lovely addition of SODA. I love the nasty stuff it is. There is just something about opening up a can of nice cold soda that gets all the brain juices flowing. Then there is FOOD in general. I blame my wonderful family members for this, because my family LOVES FOOD. I have amazing Aunts and Uncles and parents who cook/bake amazing foods!! O my goodness, you have no idea until you actually go to a family gathering how GREAT it is. But this has been my life since I WAS BORN. I was born into an amazing, talented family that loves to eat and cook and bake! Honestly...i love it! I LOVE our family gathers because of the family it makes and because of the closeness, and the food, ALL homemade, is what makes it all that much more special.
With that being said, my eating habits...WELL...that speaks for itself. I grew up with a bag of potato chips as a snack, not carrots. Cheese is the #1 food group in this family...OK, that's what I get for being raised in Wisconsin...CHEESE STATE! Everything has cheese in it or on it with it or apart of it...
:)
I've realized over the course a few months that this really is catching up with me...see, this is where we get personal. My struggles I've dealt with over the last 7-8 months (that I've been sharing about)...you know how I've dealt with them? FOOD. FOOD. FOOD. Plain and simple.
I'll admit, something I'm not proud of...but I lost my passion from 2 years ago with my training I was doing with a Personal Trainer. I lost all that I learned and the passion I developed with that. That is part of what has made me rather sad these days and discouraged. Where did it go and why?
Well, finally the beginning of last week (or it was Sunday), I went for a run. I've started to get back into my running too. I use to run for miles on end for like an hour each night. I loved it. I haven't done that since last summer...or even before we moved here. :( I had no DRIVE to do it. Well, that drive has slowly come back. SLOWLY. I started running about 2-3 weeks ago again at night, around our neighborhoods. I love doing this so much and I love what it has brought back to me. My passion is slowly coming back again. I'm so thankful.
But on Sunday I went for a run like I normally do and about half way through I just felt like bricks where hitting me all over the place. I could barely keep going...and I thought seriously?? Come on, I can do better than this!
I kept going, struggling through. I got so frustrated that I pushed myself to tears to just get through it because I NEEDED to keep going. I'm NOT a quitter (I'm VERY competitive, even with myself). I knew I could go my distance I already had in my mind, but my body was saying "no you can't, you are weak." I hated it. So I had to prove it to myself I could...but like I said, I hurt so bad I cried. I didn't cry because I was in pain physically...I was in pain MENTALLY.

After I finally made it the tears came like a waterfall. I did it...BUT I was extremely disappointed with myself. How did I do so bad? I took the next 1/2 hour to walk it off. And that is why I prayed out to God for help. I told God that I wanted a better life. I wanted to be me again. I prayed for God to TAKE AWAY these terrible habits in my life, BECAUSE they were causing me to do poorly in everything else!! I knew the CAUSE of this terrible run was because I drank soda 3 hours before that (I always drink soda every day at lunch, but that is all for the day...most would think that isn't bad, but it is for me). And with that 3 hours before that I had some lovely fast food burrito too. :( yuk.
So I asked God...I cried out to him. That I couldn't quit soda by my will power alone, because that has NEVER worked for me before. I quit drinking soda 4 weeks ago, and it lasted 5 days (hey, that was GREAT). But the next week I started right back into drinking it at work again. And here I was. I couldn't quit again. My brain was telling me I HAD TO HAVE IT and my body was telling me DON'T HAVE IT, IT'S KILLING YOU. Well, we all know who wins...BRAIN!
So that is why I prayed. I prayed that GOD would TAKE IT AWAY. I said I was NOT going to soda again, for a LONG time...but that as soon as Monday would come, is when the pain would come from making that decision, so I asked God to help me through that day! To help me through the headache I KNEW i would get. To help me through the temptation I KNEW i would have! and not only with soda, but with food. I wanted to cut out certain foods, and now i have. But I knew I would face temptation with that as well, and I asked God to take away the desire to have certain foods.

Well, I had a true test today. Today is Friday...this all happened on Sunday. Since Monday I have had no soda at all. How has that been for me? You probably are expecting me to say it was terrible, I've had a headache every day, bad temptations. Right? Well...normally YES. But this is how I've felt...
WONDERFUL!!!
I've had NOT A SINGLE HEADACHE...NOT A SINGLE TEMPTATION OR DESIRE!!!!
Honestly...I DON'T GET IT. Because what you all thought I would have felt...is what I have felt in the past. But EACH day, I asked God to help me to take away the temptation and the desire. And each day, HE has done just that! :)
I know it has been God and IS God. Because HOW would I do that alone. I know ME personally...and ME personally would not have been able to handle that alone. :)
I"m in awe at how I feel and how I've gone 5 days with no soda and even no terrible foods! I've cut my portions way down and I love it. I've been eating fruits and veggies for dinner all week and that is all. And I've loved it.
I've LOVED it so much to the point that TODAY when faced with something I normally would have loved to get my mouth on...I ALMOST PUKED!
That was my test today...
My co-worked was leaving for the day with her hubby but INSISTED because she was leaving so suddenly that she buy me lunch. I INSISTED I didn't want anything BECAUSE I knew I didn't want what she was going to get. But she didn't listen and she went to Culver's and got me what she knows I love! O boy...see how bad I WAS? she knew, i didn't even have to say anything. :( So she shows up 15 minutes later with the chicken strip basket (basket...that means fries and a coke). :(
She leaves to go on with her hubby and here this bag of food and soda sit in front of me...no one else here. Honestly, THE OLD me would have been like AHH YES, FINALLY ALL WEEK. But instead...I hesitated and just looked at the greased filled bag in honest disgust! I opened it all up, laid it all out and just thought...well, what do I do now? I took a bit of chicken and I put it right back down. I didn't even like it! WHAT?? I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT!!! huh????

I called my husband ASAP and I told him he needed to get to work ASAP and help me! He said why and I explained to him what my co-worker did. So he said he would be right over. So he showed up...and I never touch any of from that first bit I took. He just looked at me and said, did you eat any of it? and I said, with a disgusted look on my face, "I couldn't even if I MADE myself!"
He said, good. And he took it and ate it! hahhahaa
But as he sat her, he kept wanting to turn his back to me so that I couldn't watch him eat it. I asked why he was doing that. He said he didn't want to eat it in front of me (aww sweet)...but I told him it honestly didn't' matter...because I could puke right now looking at it!
I honestly didn't know what was going on. I even told him that and ask him why? My husband just said, Kelly...because you actually asked God to help you and your body is finally doing what you know to do is right! I told him it didn't make sense...that in the past...blah blah blah. He said, it doesn't matter...your body all week has been doing on thing and when you asked God to take away the desire and the temptation...I THINK HE DID IT!! :) yeah...HE SURE DID!!

He left and took the stuff home...all of it...gone! and honestly, it felt SO GOOD to get it out of here. I just sit here in awe...because I keep thinking, how is this possible for me to not want MY FAVORITE FOOD??! hahaha (or what use to be anyways). I KNOW God is the one who is doing this for me...because I asked Him to take the desires away. I didn't even want one sip of that soda! I'm over joyed...because I know God is doing this in my life. Some might say it's just that I have that much will power...and I LAUGH...because I might be a strong-willed person...BUT I'M NOT that strong when it comes to those things. I KNOW it's because God knows how deeply these things have affected my life and He is helping me take back control of the GOOD IN MY LIFE.

O Lord Jesus...I thank you so much! I don't deserve this...but I'm so grateful for what you are doing to help me through this. I'm in awe of when you ask...He will answer! :) And, it's in a small way that I THOUGHT I could control. Turns out I've been wrong all these years. All I simply needed to do was to call out to you for that help! I'm sorry I never have before!! :( I'm so thankful for the desires you've taken away and the new stuff you've put in! I know it's not over...it's only been 5 days...but God I ask that you continue to give me the strength each day to hold strong...to take those temptations and desires away from me. I don't want to LIVE TO EAT...i want to Eat to live! THIS BODY is YOUR temple...and I have not FED it properly...please ALWAYS help me to realize that. This is your body...not mine. Help me to take care of it the way I should!
thank you for what you've done this week, thank you for keeping me strong and the desires gone! Thank you thank you thank you! It's a small thing in my life, but I need you with me daily with it! thank you!

Crossing

I went for a nice LONG walk last night and found it extremely refreshing in numerous ways. I took a different route this time and I must say...best route ever in my life. :) This is why I LOVE living in the Northwoods. I was IN TOWN but I was walking in the woods. It was incredible. I really had an amazing night with just me and my puppy dog talking with the Lord Jesus Christ. It was something special.

Yeah see, about two hours before I went on my walk "disaster struck" again at our house. Our fridge was on the fritz of going out! :( My husband was pulling a "Kelly" as I call it and freaking out. See, I ALWAYS freak out when stuff like this happens and ALWAYS my husband is calm, cool and collective. Yeah, NOT last night. He was ME and I was HIM. Felt good to be him for once. hahaha.
It wasn't fun to see him, but at the same time, rather interesting to see what it's like to BE ME. hahahahahhahahah

But in all seriousness...when I was on my walk I was able to spend an entire hour in prayer and praise with God. It was beautiful. The walk was beautiful, the time with the Lord was beautiful. I found incredibly interesting that i was not at all UPSET with the current situation at home with the fridge. Normally I would be wondering why, what do we do, how do we do it, how much is this going to cost, this and that, this and that. But none of that for me last night.

I call that God!

I 100% believe that God gave me peace during last night and I trusted HIM that He would provide for us and figure it out if I just let it go...and that is what I did. I let it go. I prayed on the walk for my husband, that he would feel the same peace and trust I was experiencing. I got home, and thankfully to see he wasn't home (which meant he did go to Bible Study). He was so upset that I didn't even think he would go to Bible Study, but he did go. Thankfully!
And I know his time at Bible study would help him as well, and it did.

But back to my walk. I sure couldn't believe how my attitude was and how I was able to poor my heart out to God with and just be real. I really feel like I'm on track or at least getting back on track and I felt God walking beside me and OP the entire time. It was something sweet.

And then we came upon a crossing and that is when it hit me. I had to cross a busy intersection with my puppy dog and once we cross is when I realized something. My dog wanted to FAST across the street, so did I. But I was the one guiding my dog. He kept wanting to cross in front of me and to go this way or that...but I tightened the leash, made it shorter and kept him on the right track. After I crossed it hit me about all of this. Many times are we just like that. We feel like we are crossing a busy intersection in life and we get frantic about all the hectic stuff around and it makes us anxious...to the point that we steer this way or that way. And that is when God grabs hold of us and shortens our leash so that HE can ultimately guide us during this panic of a time and our anxiety will subside.
I feel like that is what God is doing with me. Right now He has me on a short leash, showing me SO MANY things all at once. Not that he doesn't do this stuff all the time...but when your anxieties are at the highest, i feel God gives you a little extra push to get through it.

I'm blessed by this!

I'm glad God has hold of me and is guiding me across this "scary" time in my life. Because if he didn't, I probably would be run over by a car at this point or lost in the wilderness far far away...getting eatin by bears. :)
But instead, God cares enough about me to shorten my leash, whether I like it or not, and He will cross with me during this time in my life.

Praise you Lord for last night and all that you showed me and revealed to me. Thank you for the wonderful time, the encouraging time, the peace, the understanding, the joy, the blessing, the venting, the struggles. Thank you!

What's it worth?

I have always had a fascination with the Olympic games and each year they come around (Summer or Winter games), I just get so engrossed in them. I love the History in the making and learning about sports and watching it all happen. I don't know what it is, but there is something about it that just grabs me attention.
So needless to say, I've watch much of the games already, aside from yesterday with time with family.
But it got me to thinking last night...after one of the US woman's gymnasts didn't qualify for her all-around that she was favored to WIN GOLD. And she didn't even get to the finals. This poor girl, she put all of her time and energy into her life and it all came down to ONE event. Honestly, THIS IS WHY I could never do this. What pressure they must face! Obviously to make it be an Olympian you must be able to face pressure, otherwise you wouldn't get there in the first place.
But my point of all of this is...
You put so much time, practice, time, practice, sacrifice, practice, more sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears and all for what? ooooo...OUCH...for what?? duh, and Olympic medal...particularly to win Gold...that's for what!!!
Yeah...BUT...what happens when you win Gold? Yeah, you win...you get bragging rights, you get media attention, you become popular for what might be a year...unless it was a legendary performance that will constantly be played and remembered like the 1996 Women's gymnasts team was remembered (the Magnificent 7). Anyways...but really, what does it mean? Does that mean you are better than me? Yeah, at Gymnastics. Does that mean now you've completed your life...I sure hope not. Does that mean you've work so hard in that now everything will come easy...o boy...how sad if anyone thinks that. Does it mean that because you won gold or any medal that those medals go with you to Heaven? Does that mean that you are award GOLD in Heaven?
Boy, surely NOT.
I thought about it this morning. What it would be like to have a medal. I'd feel much of an accomplishment, yes. But what would I do with that medal afterwards? Sit on a shelf? display it? For how long? Until you die? THEN what happens to it? Where does that medal go? To the grave with you? Why? Is it then a waste? Does someone else inherit it? Will it mean the same to them as it did to you...NO, it NEVER will mean the same even if it was your mother or father that one it or a brother or a sister. Because no one can know the feeling it was to go through all of that to get that.
My point? You win...AWESOME. But is that was defines who you are? see, here I go again with 'WHO AM I' stuff. but it's SO TRUE. Is who you are a winner, an Olympian? NO...unfortunately for them, it really isn't. NONE of these means anything if they don't know Jesus Christ as their person Savior and go to Heaven some day. Their medal can't take them, their hard work can't take them, their dedication can't take them, their blood, sweat and tears can't take them, their good works can't take them...NOPE. Sorry...all that work really means nothing when it comes to God and what eternity means.

See, this all started because I thought about what they do with their medals someday...especially once an Olympic medalist dies. What happens? Where are their medals? Do they keep getting passed down from generation to generation in the family...when the person who has it, has no idea what that sport was or who you even were? yeah, it's cool and awesome to win a medal and have it? But it's a material thing...it eventually goes away just like any other material thing in life does. But what matters is what is in your heart...that is what will last forever and eternity, if you have Jesus Christ in your life! That is the only thing in life that will carry on forever.

I feel so bad for these athletes who put so much time and energy, dedication, tears and blood into something. THINK about if you did the same thing about your relationship with Jesus Christ? WHOA? now that is some dedicated relationship if you ask me? Are you being an Olympian with your relationship with Jesus Christ? I sure am not. It puts me to shame thinking about what dedication there is in life and are you REALLY that dedicated? Are you really living your life like YOU WANT IT???...LIKE YOU REALLY WANT THAT GOLD MEDAL...LIKE YOU REALLY WANT THAT RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST? ARE YOU?
If you are dedicated about something, a sport, a hobby, a friend, a job...turn around and put that much dedication into your relationship with Jesus Christ and see what happens!

Redeemed

Part of the reason I love the job I am in, is because I'm constantly encouraged and around positive influence.
Today, I had the privilege of looking at Worship Videos and my Pastor showed me this one he came across. This is in life of his and our talk yesterday and I'm so thankful for this NEW song in my life.
If you would like to see the video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzGAYNKDyIU&feature=related

Big Daddy Weave (Christian Music Artists)
Redeemed

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed


-Song sure speaks so much truth in my life right now. I'm not who I use to be, but I do know that God working in my life and making me into something. This song was created this year, 2012 by Big Daddy Weave. I find it rather fitting for me today, THIS week that I first now hear it. :) God is always showing you things at the exact time you are suppose to.
Thank you Jesus for Big Daddy Weave and the amazing artists they are and the gifts you have given them. They have created some amazing truths through music! Thank you for their blessings on many lives.
Thank you for giving me this song, TODAY! No greater time than today. Thank you for showing me love and support when I feel at my weakest of days. You never fail me. The world might fail us, but you NEVER will. Thank you for that constant reminder!

The Love of a Father

I experienced something rather adorable this past weekend. I spent a few hours visiting my brother and sister-in-law with their 4 energetic kids. I'm amazed at how time flies and the oldest one and my sweet "little" niece is 3 1/2! Where did that time go. She was just a little peanut sitting in my arms. Needless to say, she is almost 4 and my sister-in-law and I were talking about school and all these things for her. I couldn't get over the fact that we were starting to talk about school with her and how she was actually excited to go and how she plays school.

Well, there is SO much about the afternoon I had with them that I could write about...so I'll try to contain my thoughts as I can.

First of all...I saw the LOVE of a Father.
I have always LOVED to see how my brother is with his kids and it puts a smile on my face every time I see how much he deeply loves and plays with his kids. I'm a proud sister!! On Sunday, Hailey (the oldest who is 3 1/2) was invited to go over to the neighbors to play with a 4 year old boy. Aww...right?! Well, kind of. I took after my brother and thought..."WHAT...she's playing with neighbor boys already??!!!??!" I'm a very protective Aunt...that I'll write about later, just wait. But what I found neat, was my brothers reaction to it all. At first it was like, "oo okay, go play." But as I saw him and his wife interact about the situation I just watched. I saw my brother turn from fun loving "father" to a very protective concerning "father". NOW, whether or not my brother was being this way because he felt like he needed to help watch them play or what, but either way...here is my point.
I saw so much LOVE and CONCERN for HIS daughter! I saw him constantly looking for her and making sure she was OK. I heard him talk about "I think she should come home now..." At first I laughed because it was too cute to see how concerned and protective my brother was ALREADY becoming to his almost 4 year old daughter (o boy, the next 20 years or so are going to be rough then). :) But I then saw somehow how my brother was and how THAT is how God is with us. I saw his concern and "watch over us" JUST how the Father up in Heaven does with us. I saw an immediate picture of what it was like. I stood in awe at what it is like.
God gave me a picture, right in front of me, that was meant for me, I believe. I believe God was showing how much he is concerned for us and how much he will continue to "watch" us and want us to come home. He was saying... "Kelly, your life is so precious and I will always care so deeply for you that I will always be concerned for you and for what you are doing in life. This time in your life is sweet and I am here EVERY step of the way, if you think I am standing next door watching or not, I am!" I saw in that picture the way He looks at us with concern and love!
It's a BEAUTIFUL picture!!
Just like the picture of my brother with his daughter! If that love and concern is that great with those two, IMAGE the love and concern the LOVE OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER IS??!!!

WHOAH!!!! THAT IS SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know about you, but that makes me incredible joyful to know I have that kind of Love from a Father...my Heavenly Father!


I'll get to more of what I saw that day with my brothers family in upcoming posts...

Another good one for me

1 John 1:7

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”


I had another excellent evening running around the neighborhood. I took our puppy dog with again, but he was about 2 feet behind me most of the time, panting away. So I dropped him back off at home and I continued on. After I did that, I probably had the best last 1/2 hr of my run! I was exhausted, but I had so much energy. After I ran, I took about a mile walk. That was the best time ever for me! I took that time to just talk with God and tell him my fears, anxieties, struggles and where to even go from here. I loved every minute of it. I really felt God's presence last night with me and cried out to Him tell God I was sorry for the past year and a half of not turning to him with everything! I've realized that my life has been a complete struggle and that is because I've tried to figure it out on my own. As soon as I start to let God back in my life and take over, I start to feel peace again. I so was blessed last night by venting it all out, something I still hadn't done and something I need to do of more.
I've realized these times in my life that I would run/walk, have been missing not only because of exercise, but because those are truly the times I connect with God. It always has been that way and last night confirmed it for me that doing this in my life is a huge priority. I"m thankful for the time I have to do this now. I'm just saddened I haven't done it for this long!

:) Love it when...

You look up a verse for the day and it's EXTREMELY FITTING...


Isaiah 41:10

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous righthand.”

A little creepy? maybe...

Last night I went to the grocery store to grab a few quick things. My husband told me to make it quick because he had some stuff on the grill. My "quick" trip turned into 2 hours away.

I stopped to visit some friends at my old place of employment and then I went onto the grocery store. The grocery store was probably only going to take me 1/2 hour and turned into 1 1/2 hours! I was going about my business getting things off shelves and looking for things I needed. I was in the frozen foods section looking for some of those warm-up meals for work. As I closed a door, an older gentleman came scooting up to me. I smiled and said hi and kept looking at things. He just kept starring at me. Deep inside me, I was a little creeped out. Then he said, "well, maybe I should follow you around the store, you look like you know what you are doing." I just smiled and said o yeah.
He went on to talk to me about how he couldn't see things because he was blind in one I and had troubles with the other. So I thought, o OK. And I just said, "well, what are you looking for, I can find it for you." He just smiled and said, "O no really, I'm fine, but you sure are a sweetheart.". I just said thank you and thought, OK, that will be that. But he didn't leave and he was in my way of getting something out of the other door. So I stood there wondering what to do next. So he started to talking again and shared some of what he is going through. I thought to myself, OK...I'm here in this moment for a reason. I'll just take it all in....thinking to myself in the back of my head, my husband is going to be calling any minute now wondering where on earth I am and that dinner is done. But nope, that didn't happen. I ended up standing there with this fellow for 15 minutes. He shared about his eye and what happened with that and he shared how lonely he was and other things too about his living situation. The thing that struck me...as SAD as that story was for me...HE WAS DOING GREAT! He never stopped smiling and he kept saying, but you know, I could have life worse. I make it by each day with what I need.

And it struck me at that moment. I WASN'T there for him, he was there for me! I just stood there thinking, WOW. How does this guy have this attitude. I thought about my life and thought...geeez, why is it that I struggle with things right now, when my life could be like his, which to me is worse! But to him, could BE worse, but it's not. What an attitude to have. I loved that he kept smiling. Something I learned I need to do more of and that it might help me more too.
We parted ways and I just shook my head later thing, wow...did that just happen? Here I thought I was going to be helping him, when really, he touched me more.
I rushed through the store after that trying to get all my last things and headed for the checkout. I got in line and about 1 minute later, here he is again, standing behind me. My first thought was, O no...I just need to get home!
We ended up talking again for another 15 minutes. I was in front of him, and his carrier was heavy so he wanted to set it down on the belt. So I said go right ahead...and I told him "you know what, just go in front of me, I have more things than you do." He insisted not to, but I insisted he did. So he did. He said once again, "you sure are a sweetheart, not many out there like you!" I thought to myself, OK, now I'm getting a little creeped out. But yet, appreciated his comments. Something, yet, I needed to hear! Strange.
It took forever to get through the line it seemed and he went on to ask why I am so patient and sweet. I told him that I've learned to patient over the years because of my husband. He said, o so you are married. I said, yep, sure am. He told me to tell my husband that he is one lucky guy and that he should appreciate me. I said I would tell him. I then told him how I was patient with my husband and it was because of fishing all the time with him. You see, my husband just doesn't FISH, he FISHES! A "hey, lets go fishing this afternoon" actually means, "hey lets fish until its dark, and then actually head back to the boat landing, which by then it will be 9:30pm". hahaa.
The gentleman appreciated that I fished and fished with my husband. I said thank you.
The cashier by this time was up to him and it was a little hard for him to get through the checkout because he couldn't see what he was doing with his money. So we both helped. He was very appreciative and after 5 minutes finally got his bags and SLOWLY headed out the door.
He said goodbye again and once more said what a sweetheart I have been. I said its nothing, its just who I am.
The cashier just smiled at me and said, "you are too nice!" I just said, well you know...why wouldn't someone be?". I've checked out with her before and she remembered me and we talked about that some more. I told her I was getting a little creeped out at the end, but that it was a pleasure to help him too. She agreed and again just said, you are too nice though. I don't know if that was the case, but it's just what I did in the moment...or was it that in the moment, the moment got me?

I walked out to my car wondering what in the world just happened and why. Normally I would have been struggling and frustrated that it took me forever to get home and that dinner was probably cold! But I found myself smiling the whole way home and just kind of thinking that life isn't so bad when you take one day at a time, just like does. And why did I run into him and why did he find ME so sweet? The checkout lady was just as sweet as me, she helped him a lot with his bags and his money and figuring that out. But yet he kept saying I was sweet! Why?
Most people probably would have ignored the man or moved along or tried to get out of talking to him. I didn't. Why?
I'm still not sure about what all happened last night but I do know that I did learn a lot about myself and about my life currently.
I realized my life is far from frustrating or far from troubles. I've always know that, but for some reason it hit me in that moment. It hit me that no matter what you are going through, IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE! I realized that smiling is the best thing and it changes your hole attitude. I realized that I'm still the same person I've always been...still sensitive to others. I thought I've changed as a person with what I'm going through. And I realized that I'm still ME. :) And that made me really happy. It's a longer story probably of to why I feel that.

Anyways...I got home, after being gone 2 hours and the meal was still cooking on the grill. :) And Ben didn't even care. :) I told him all that happened and he just said, "yeah". hahaha.

Needless to say...I pray for this gentleman, who I don't even know his name. All I know is he is old, has a blind eye, lives alone and has two children married and don't want much to do with him because they have their own lives with their family now. I pray for him. I pray that in some way I was used last night...which I'm not even sure how, because I feel like I didn't really say much to him. I pray that he finds peace in his life and that somewhat of my testimony of my "sweetness" shines through in a way I can't even imagine. I pray for him, for his family, for his health. I pray his attitude never changes and that he is always as positive as I remember it. And if things get harder for him Lord, I pray he will remember what we shared and use that as encouragement in his life.