This week has been a little difficult for me. I think I hit a breaking point with EVERYTHING. There just has been so much bottling up inside. I really don't even know what to write about it all because there are just so many angles of what has been going on.
Am I still afraid, Yes.
Am I still frustrated, Yes.
Am I weary, Yes.
Am I tired, Yes.
Am I overwhelmed, Yes.
Today I flipped through my daily calendar book thing that is daily inspirational thing. Here is what it said:
Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Hear me saying Peace, be still to your restless heart. No matter what happens, I will never leave you or forsake you. Let this assurance soak into your mind and heart, until you overflow with joy. Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, you need not fear!
The news and the world is constantly give us stories and giving us bad news. Its constantly in our faces about what is going on in the world with this virus and its all negative numbers. At least it seems. There is so much uncertainty in this world right now.
I know I said it before and I know the only way to get through these times is to put your focus on other things and not the things of negativity or what the news has out there. Focus on Bible verse and focus on what God has to say through this. I need to let scriptures saturate my mind and my heart. Even though I have NO IDEA what is going to happen tomorrow, I know what is absolutely true and sure and that is my ultimate destination in this life.
Mark 4:39-40 - And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
Psalm 73:23-28 - Nevertheless I am continually with you; you have taken hold of my right hand. With your counsel you will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And besides you, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, behold, those who are far from you will perish; you have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, That I may tell of all your works.
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Sunday, April 12, 2020
Fear of Death
Most would think this post would be about Easter, as that is what today is. Today hits me differently than Easters in the past. There is talk about death this weekend because of what Jesus did for us. There is talk about death in the news because of COVID19. Easter is a joyous time because we remember what Jesus did for us. What God sacrificed for us. But for the past month I have been gripped with fear...so many fears. People ask me what I am afraid of, or what is bothering me about everything. It's been every angle of this.
I'm afraid of...
...daily working (I work in healthcare).
...getting deployed from my clinic and going to the hospital to help out.
...letting my co-workers down because I'm a wimp and am afraid to go elsewhere to help.
...not seeing my kiddos if things get back at work and I'm in quarantine.
...our community getting hit with the virus and overtaking our hospital.
...Ben getting sick (he doesn't have the best immune system).
...my kids getting sick.
...my extended family getting sick.
...not seeing my parents for months.
...the world shutting down.
...Ben loosing his job (temporarily).
...getting sick myself.
...death...and not being here anymore for my family.
Today I looked at Easter a little differently. Christ defeated death.
Hebrews 2:14-15 - "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death-that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death."
We don't have to fear death. We have been set free from the fear of death. We do not have to live this way.
I'm afraid of...
...daily working (I work in healthcare).
...getting deployed from my clinic and going to the hospital to help out.
...letting my co-workers down because I'm a wimp and am afraid to go elsewhere to help.
...not seeing my kiddos if things get back at work and I'm in quarantine.
...our community getting hit with the virus and overtaking our hospital.
...Ben getting sick (he doesn't have the best immune system).
...my kids getting sick.
...my extended family getting sick.
...not seeing my parents for months.
...the world shutting down.
...Ben loosing his job (temporarily).
...getting sick myself.
...death...and not being here anymore for my family.
Today I looked at Easter a little differently. Christ defeated death.
Hebrews 2:14-15 - "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death-that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death."
We don't have to fear death. We have been set free from the fear of death. We do not have to live this way.
1 Corinthians 15:54-55 "Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the word of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."
I believe Christ died on the cross for me. For my sins. For my fears. I need to continue to look to Him in this time. I need to Trust in Him in this time that all those fears I have, that He meets me in ALL of those fears. He understands my fears. He wants to take my fears away.
I believe Christ died on the cross for me. For my sins. For my fears. I need to continue to look to Him in this time. I need to Trust in Him in this time that all those fears I have, that He meets me in ALL of those fears. He understands my fears. He wants to take my fears away.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Renew my strength
It sure has been a long time since I've been on here...since 2014. I decided to try this out again due to the current world circumstances. I use to use this as a way to write out what I was learning and growing in. I tell ya...sure am learning and growing these days. Not that I wasn't since 2014, but life sort of just happened and then babies came. My mom the other day reminded me of a few things I've written in the past, maybe not on here, but on other things, so it got me thinking about this all over.
I've been told that we need to approach our current World situation like a marathon. Those that know me, I love running. I'm weird I know. I find so much joy and so much peace when I run. Not every run is joyful, but I still end up finding peace in it. So with the COVID-19 that is going around and hitting us at every angle it seems. Life literally turned up-side-down for everyone! Our instant reaction is to fix it and fix it quick to get "back to normal". Well, if I have my timeline correct, it's been 3 weeks since the "stay at home" order was put into place. For me, the anxiety and the turmoil started about 3 weeks prior to that. Yah see, I work in healthcare. I'd say about mid-February things at work started to come about about COVID19 and policy's and protocols and game plans for this or that situation. Those things started to change every other day, then every day, then every half day. My anxiety started to set in as things kept changing. More meetings were happening, more talks were happening. My anxiety started to reach an all time high (I use to suffer from bad anxiety about 12 years ago and overcame a lot of those fears and troubles). I became so fearful of what was/is to come. I haven't been proud of myself because I thought I was better than this. I thought I was stronger than this.
Thankfully a few good friends have helped me along the way here. I've gotten great encouragement when I've needed it most. This is a marathon we are running. It's not gonna be over quick and its not gonna be a short run. You will have good days and bad days, just like having a good mile and a bad mile. I remember back to my first half-marathon I ran. I started out OK, thinking ya, OK, I've got this. But as the miles kept coming, I started to grow weary, tired. About 2 weeks ago I was growing weary and was mentally exhausted from all this information about COVID19. Work stuff was overwhelming with the information of what was coming. I kept looking for JUNE. When is June gonna be here and maybe then this will all be over. That didn't help, that just made me feel heavy. When you look for the finish line and you are miles and miles away, it feels daunting, like it's never going to end.
I went for a run the other day and I could feel this all playing out. I started out so good in my run, I was about 3 miles in. Then I hit some good wind because I changed the direction I was going and I also was going up a hill. I felt like, "are you kidding me!". Then this came to me. If I keep looking up the hill its going to feel like forever. Instead, I looked a couple feet in front of me, picked up my feet and just looked at the immediate ground in front of me. Before I knew it, I was at the top of that hill. Was it hard and tiring, you bet! But It was much easier to overcome it. I realized I needed to stop looking so far in the distance and just focus on the task (the day) that in front of me. Don't look to mile 10, when you are only on mile 3 (I didn't run 10 miles that day, just saying!) :)
When you run a marathon you are going to have good miles and bad miles. You are gonna feel great at some times and feel sluggish and heavy the next. Then you are gonna hit your stride again, get some encouragement you needed (either in a song or by a bystander) and keep pressing on and feeling refreshed. I'm thankful for the pieces of encouragement I've had during this time. I've struggled with this fear like I've never struggled before. I don't think my anxiety has ever been this bad and I thought it was bad 12 years ago. I'm still learning here and I have my days. I've had more bad days than I've had good. I'm saddened that I haven't turned to God like I know to do. He is my encouragement and my guide and I've tried to figure this current situation out on my own. That hasn't been working. My heart knows that God is my strength, but my head can't seem to follow it these days and that is what saddens me most. Like I said before, I thought I was stronger than this.
Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope is in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."
Isaiah 41:10 - "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I've been living off those verses lately. When the world gives me fear and anxiety from what I hear and listen to, I shut it out and pray. That's all I can do right now.
I've been told that we need to approach our current World situation like a marathon. Those that know me, I love running. I'm weird I know. I find so much joy and so much peace when I run. Not every run is joyful, but I still end up finding peace in it. So with the COVID-19 that is going around and hitting us at every angle it seems. Life literally turned up-side-down for everyone! Our instant reaction is to fix it and fix it quick to get "back to normal". Well, if I have my timeline correct, it's been 3 weeks since the "stay at home" order was put into place. For me, the anxiety and the turmoil started about 3 weeks prior to that. Yah see, I work in healthcare. I'd say about mid-February things at work started to come about about COVID19 and policy's and protocols and game plans for this or that situation. Those things started to change every other day, then every day, then every half day. My anxiety started to set in as things kept changing. More meetings were happening, more talks were happening. My anxiety started to reach an all time high (I use to suffer from bad anxiety about 12 years ago and overcame a lot of those fears and troubles). I became so fearful of what was/is to come. I haven't been proud of myself because I thought I was better than this. I thought I was stronger than this.
Thankfully a few good friends have helped me along the way here. I've gotten great encouragement when I've needed it most. This is a marathon we are running. It's not gonna be over quick and its not gonna be a short run. You will have good days and bad days, just like having a good mile and a bad mile. I remember back to my first half-marathon I ran. I started out OK, thinking ya, OK, I've got this. But as the miles kept coming, I started to grow weary, tired. About 2 weeks ago I was growing weary and was mentally exhausted from all this information about COVID19. Work stuff was overwhelming with the information of what was coming. I kept looking for JUNE. When is June gonna be here and maybe then this will all be over. That didn't help, that just made me feel heavy. When you look for the finish line and you are miles and miles away, it feels daunting, like it's never going to end.
I went for a run the other day and I could feel this all playing out. I started out so good in my run, I was about 3 miles in. Then I hit some good wind because I changed the direction I was going and I also was going up a hill. I felt like, "are you kidding me!". Then this came to me. If I keep looking up the hill its going to feel like forever. Instead, I looked a couple feet in front of me, picked up my feet and just looked at the immediate ground in front of me. Before I knew it, I was at the top of that hill. Was it hard and tiring, you bet! But It was much easier to overcome it. I realized I needed to stop looking so far in the distance and just focus on the task (the day) that in front of me. Don't look to mile 10, when you are only on mile 3 (I didn't run 10 miles that day, just saying!) :)
When you run a marathon you are going to have good miles and bad miles. You are gonna feel great at some times and feel sluggish and heavy the next. Then you are gonna hit your stride again, get some encouragement you needed (either in a song or by a bystander) and keep pressing on and feeling refreshed. I'm thankful for the pieces of encouragement I've had during this time. I've struggled with this fear like I've never struggled before. I don't think my anxiety has ever been this bad and I thought it was bad 12 years ago. I'm still learning here and I have my days. I've had more bad days than I've had good. I'm saddened that I haven't turned to God like I know to do. He is my encouragement and my guide and I've tried to figure this current situation out on my own. That hasn't been working. My heart knows that God is my strength, but my head can't seem to follow it these days and that is what saddens me most. Like I said before, I thought I was stronger than this.
Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope is in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."
Isaiah 41:10 - "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I've been living off those verses lately. When the world gives me fear and anxiety from what I hear and listen to, I shut it out and pray. That's all I can do right now.
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