Well, I did it...I graduated college, again. For some reason, this time way more proud of myself than ever in my life. Why? I feel like I've accomplished something I never thought I would do. This experience was probably that hardest thing I've encounter thus far. Harder than a job, harder than moving...
How do I feel now that its over. Most would think I feel relieved, joyous, excited. Honestly, I don't feel anything. Maybe part of that is because I still have to take the nation-wide certification exam yet, so I still feel like it's not over yet! But mostly, I feel proud that I actually accomplished this. I remember 2 years ago, almost to the month (July it will be), is when I first thought of going back to school. And 2 years ago, I applied for the program thinking I would get on the waiting list and "think about it". I did get on the waiting list, but little did I know that I'd actually still be able to take the pre-classes for the core program. "ooo I guess I'm doing this!" And by doing this, meant "oo stink...what did I get myself into?"
The past 2 years have gone NOTHING like I thought. They were harder than I thought, but way better than I thought. I didn't expect it to be so hard, I didn't expect it to be so rewarding and fulfilling for me. I didn't expect to like what I was going it to, as much as I do right now. I have LOVED every minute of learning about Medical things more than I ever dreamt possible. I've developed a passion I never expect was in me.
Here's my thing: It's been almost 3 weeks since graduation and since I"ve been done with my clinical experience and what do I have? Just the satisfaction of saying I graduated. That's awesome right? Well, the funny thing is, it hasn't been that awesome for me. Sure I love that I graduated. But the thing for me is I had expected to get a job upon graduation or if not, VERY soon thereafter. Yeah, yeah, it's only been 3 weeks, but it's been a LONG 3 weeks FOR ME waiting. Why? Because I've developed such a LOVE for this field that I just want to be doing that...badly!
I thought what defined me for the past 2 years would be to get that job RIGHT AWAY. God has had different ideas for me...and in this time, I"ve really struggled about who I am and why certain things have happened. But here's the thing. I've realized that God has it all figured out and I TRY to wait patiently. I've realized that God has been where I am suppose to be right now, and instead of sulky in my disappointment, I've come to realize I need to be thankful for what God has done this far, and that in time, God's time, I will find that job that is just right for me.
I"ve been able to take more ownership into my current job and be joyful each day I am there (which, at days, is very very hard to do). But I've found by doing that, can really go a long way. I've found that by changing my attitude and outlook I can be more joyful in the small areas.
I'm still working. There are days I just get tired of not getting any phone calls about jobs or interviews. I get tired of not seeing anything new come about for jobs. But it reminds me that I need to let it go and just keep doing my thing each day and that God will continue to teach me and show me. I'm excited for what God is teaching me. It hasn't been easy, but if it was easy, everyone would do it.
I"m so thankful for going back to school and being able to experience some of the things I've experienced. I'm thankful for this new passion that I have found in me and that God gave to me. 10-11 years ago I would have NEVER wanted to do what I'm HOPING to do. NEVER. IT wasn't something I liked or wanted to even touch or learn about. But now I do and I"m so thankful for this new found passion in me. I'm excited to use my skills someday soon. But in the mean time, I know that I am suppose to be where I am, and I will continue to use those skills as well.
So does getting a job right away after graduation define who I am? I thought it did? I was certain of that. I thought getting that job right after graduation and being one of the first to get a job meant I was something awesome, something great, that I was a great student, a hard worker. I thought thought that up until about last week, or even a couple days ago. I was so frustrated with myself thinking that is what defined me as a student, and as a person. But God has been showing me different. God has been showing me that it's not being the first to get a job that makes you the best person or best student or best employee. For me, God has shown me that it's about His time, not mine. Those things shouldn't define me, it's how God shows me things and is teaching me that is defining me. And boy, is He doing just that. I feel more grown in the last 3 weeks that I probably would have had I had that job right away. I know it's through these times that define you and God shows and reveals things to you. I"m thankful that I am going through this.
Still, at times, it's hard for me to realize that "in God's time, I will get a job", but I know it to be true in my head, my heart just needs to believe it will happen as well! Come on heart!! :)
