I have trust issues...plain and simple. Now when most people hear that, they think I have trust issues with people. Not necessarily in my case, but I do suppose most things come back around to people being involved in them.
This summer has been really interesting. Not the typically summer I had visions, and that is just fine. Thankfully God provided me with a 2nd job on top of my 30hour job I already have. I started applying for a part time job back in early April not really serious about the thought, but if something happened, I'd see then. Most of my reason to get a 2nd job was that all that money I'd get from that job would go to pay for my schooling. I have one year left and so far it's all paid for. I had applied for Financial Aid back in early March as a back up plan if I couldn't get enough saved up to pay for it come August. Well, a job happened and I'm happy to say that my Fall semester is paid in full; books and all! :) It's a great feeling, now I'm trying to figure out Spring semester already and how that will be paid for. But anyways...that is why my summer has not been the typical. The typical this summer has been is 60 hour work weeks and no real time off to do anything FUN.
It's been worth the schooling being paid for, but that has also come at a cost.
God has thrown little, ok, maybe big, things my way to see if I trust in this way. You don't necessarily realize it when you are in, but looking back to even June, I can see it now.
It started with searching for a vehicle. Ok, when I say that work myself, I instantly get tense. This could be a long story, but I'll be quick. Basically, I have 2 views on this subject. I want a car, I need a car. Both true. I want a car because I'd like a better car that runs and that I can rely on come winter. I need a car, well, for those same reasons. Come July, we actually purchased a vehicle for me. It was the most stressful 24 hours of my life...I'M NOT KIDDING!! Why? Well, when you have 2 vehicles PAID FOR and now you are talking about a payment again, because we couldn't wait long enough to save up more money, yeah, it gets tense for this gal. On top of that, feeling guilty about getting a vehicle when in reality, our OLD vehicle worked JUST fine besides the whole reliable thing in the winter. I didn't NEED it, I WANTED this vehicle because it was nice and NEWER, not new, newer!
That night after purchasing the vehicle I woke up with panic attack. I've never experienced this before and I'll say this, I don't like them! It's the worst feeling to go through...well, thus far in my life. I woke up hard to breathe, couldn't breathe, wanted to cry, but couldn't because i was so worked up. I was shaking and I was sweaty. I woke my hubby up and I tried to tell him what was going on through my brain, but it was hard. Poor guy, the things I put him through. Well needless to say, I had terrible regrets about this decisions we made. But we made it, so OK. Trust now that He will help you through this time.
Second thing God has been doing is in the little things. I woke up on Friday night sleep with yet another panic attack, but not nearly like the other one. This one, was brought on by myself, I do believe. Yah see, lately I have been fearing EVERYTHING. Like from the health of my heart (family members have had heart attacks), to finances, to possessions being save, to who knows what goes through this brain! So on Friday I woke up sweating and with a pain in my chest area. I get this a lot and I freak out because I feel like something is going on with my heart. But yet, every time I do this, and I stop stressing, it goes away. I've had heart tests done a few years ago when this first happened and everything with my heart is great. Anyways, that's another long story. So I thought, O boy, I'm going to die...this is it, I'm actually probably having a heart attack right now. I woke my hubby up freaking out once again...and he was rather annoyed, I could tell. He didn't want to console me, he just said lay down and go to sleep! hahaha...I had a hard time getting over this pain and getting over my stress. I tried to explain to him the stress I feel in the little things. He understands me, but I told him I'm so tired of everyone telling me to "get over it and trust." I know, my brain knows. But my heart can't follow for some reason. I'm tired of MYSELF not getting it already!! I broke down as I just wanted the weight of this to go away. My sweet husband said a prayer for me and calmed me down.
HERE'S THE COOL PART...
That next day, or evening, we went out for dinner where we were on vacation at and we were at a little place that was on a lake and you could see/walk out on the peer. It was really pretty. Well I was eating away and talking with who we were with and I couldn't help but be drawn to a dad and his daughter. I kept watching them on the peer and after a while I stopped what I was doing and just watched them. The most beautiful picture God gave me in those moments.
This dad was following his 2 year old daughter around about 2-4 feet behind her all the time. He let her go where ever she wanted to explore and go. When it got a little close to the edge of the peer, he got closer to her and sometimes even took her hand. I smiled. I watched this for about 10 minutes. A little while later after her dad let her explore and look at things, he took her hand and led her to a different location and she followed him. It was in that moment that I realized what God was revealing to me. God has been letting me explore and find my way, with Him closely behind me. He's gently guided me along this way. And now, He is telling me to take his hand and follow him and trust him to lead me a different way. My way was OK and He was there for me through it all and helped me, but now He is telling me that I can't do it on my own and to trust Him to take me the rest of the way through this pain I feel, this stress I have. I can't help but smile knowing that image was just for me that night.
I know this is a process and I need to learn to take God's hand and let Him take care of these little (sometimes they feel big) stresses in my life. I'm learning and I'm trusting, little by little, that in these situations, every situation, God had a plan long before I can do anything about it. I need to take one day by day.
