Who Are You?

Today was a whirlwind of emotions. It actually hit me today that I'm 2 weeks away from many things. It's a great feeling, but an incredibly scary thing. In two weeks I begin clinicals, and in two weeks I won't have my main job anymore. It's all so bittersweet. 

Today I witnessed something that was real, normal, people. It's what is everyday, but at the same time, in my face. Today I witnessed my classmates and I out in the work force getting schmoozed by a potential employer. Well, that's at least how some people put it. I put it as "a pitch" for them to tell us about them. Awesome. 
What I expected, but at the same time didn't expect, was to see how my classmates schmoozed at them. Again, its real, normal people. How was I not prepared for that? For some reason I was disturbed to see certain classmates act one way to them and yet when we are all in class and see each other on an every day thing, its different. It frustrated me to see how people can be so consistent in one way for the majority of the time you know them and then all of a sudden, you see them act and look another way. And the funny thing, WHEN IT MATTERS most. 
So here is what I realized...
Why is it that we act one way with our every day people (friends, family...) but the minute you know someone important is watching you, you turn into this amazing person that all of a sudden has it all together? 
Interesting? Nope! It's normal. 
You see, what dawned on me is that is how we always act! I'm guilty, we all are. How many times do we act one way, but the minute we are among our fellow Christ-believing friends, our Pastor, or even more soooo...when we come to God for things...why is it then that we change? Why is it then that we put on that good, awesome, amazing front? Why do we dress our best then? Why do we all of sudden act all sweet and amazing then? And like everything you have to offer, is the best?
Why isn't your best, all the time...or at least try? Why is it that when it matters and everything is on the line, why then? 
Isn't our life on the line all the time? Am I living my life for that of Christ? Am I living my life that is consistent with that of what I would want Christ to see ALL THE TIME? or just when it matters the most? But isn't when it matters most...all the time?

What are we waiting for? When it matters most....is daily! Not only for Christ, but for everyone else. Those around me should be seeing that, but am I showing it? Or am I just showing it when it matters to me to show it? 

I was so disgusted to see what I saw today, but at the same time I did a major heart check and I'm disgusted with myself! For my daily walk is not that of what matters most. Right now, so much more things matter most...and it shouldn't be that way. 
It was a hard day for me, mostly because I saw what it looks like and its what I too, looked like. 

Why now?

This past weekend, it was one of those things that happened that you don't understand why. I don't know what it means, it could mean nothing. I firmly know that everything happens for a reason and I know this to be true here.
But I'm frustrated.

My husband and I have been going through some rough patches through this past year. We are open about it, people know. It's nothing serious but at the same time, just been a plain old tough year of marriage. This Winter in particular, was the low point for me. Since I hit my low and my husband finally understood what was going on, I believe we have been on the upside of this challenging year. I can go more into that later, someday, maybe!
But for now, it brings me to what happened next, this weekend.

My husband had been working in our kitchen to get a new track light put it to get more light into our kitchen. He worked on it ALL day, from 12:00noon until 9:30pm. He was in and out of our attic fixing some electrical work along with this.
I get home from work at 9:45, the new light is in...it's amazing! Usually my husband is all proud and shows off his handy work, but not that night. Instead he comes in and has a sad look on his face and expressed to me how he JUST finished now, and he was HUNGRY and then...he got all teary and said...and then I lost my wedding ring!

My heart sank! But only for a moment...because ultimately I remembered that it's just a material thing. Yeah, it's a symbol of US it's a symbol of God bring us together and becoming one. But it's still a material thing, money paid and gone. Thankfully it wasn't a really expensive ring, but that's NOT what I cared about.
My instant reaction was, "we'll find it! We'll go back up in the attic and find it!!! WE WILL, WE MUST!"  My husband assured me it was gone and that it would be REALLY tough to find it. I understand that completely. BUT!
I just cried, because I'm one of those sentimental woman type and was like, BUT it's the ring I PUT on YOUR finger...its, it's...its....
yeah yeah yeah.
What has God shown me through the course of the last few days...

Again, it's material. What I know to be true is what God is in our marriage. I know that my husband loves me and I don't need a ring to prove that to anyone...neither does he.
But why now? Why when him and I have been struggling so much does this have to happen? Well, I think I just answered my own question in MY own statement pervious...
I know my husband loves me and I don't need A THING to prove that....and you know what...that's why this happened...because it has made me realize that no matter what, I have a husband who loves me, in the good and the bad and that's what marriage is. You stick together no matter what you struggle with. Honestly, in a weird way this little thing brought us a little bit closer in a way of understanding how a simple material object and what it represents.

Here is something my husband wrote to me today:

I just was thinking about you on the way to work this morning and I had an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for all that you do for me and how you are a beautiful, thoughtful, caring wife who is always there by my side.

 

Anyway, I feel a sense of disappointment about not having my ring on my hand. I guess I didn’t realize what it truly means to me. But now I have a clearer picture. I know that it is a symbol to me, you and our families that we are one, but to those around me I also feel like it’s a good symbol of the fact that I have a wife, a wonderful wife, who does care, who has invested her life in me, who I do want to be known for, and who I am so very proud of. I take pride in our marriage, I take pride in you, and I will always lift my head up high for you, yet humbling myself to the Lord who brought us together, and humbling myself so as not to be prideful and arrogant. I will strive to make our bond strong and to serve the Lord in any way I can, and to grow in our marriage to be an example of God’s love to those who see us.

 

So don’t be disheartened, I do wish to find my ring, but even without it, I know that the way I talk about my marriage, the things I speak in regards to my wife, and the perception I give people about my marriage is a much stronger symbol and example to those around me than just a ring on my hand. I will speak uplifting things, and show kindness, and forgiveness in those conversations, I will work at it and hopefully be a good example of us, with the help of the Lord. Even if I wear a $12 ring, I know it’s not the rings worth that’s worth wearing the ring, but rather the worth is in what it represents. Us.

 

I love you, as cheesy or repetitive as that statement sounds, I do.

 

Makes this wife, really happy! :) My heart was overjoyed by those words he wrote and I cherish every single one of them. I know this little thing happened for both of us to realize what a "symbol" means and it brought us back to our wedding and what it was like when we put our rings on each others fingers. I truly love my husband and I know things can get rough, but I know for a fact we can get through things when you have God on your side!

So why now? Why did my husband have to loose his ring now, on the upside of our struggles? God has a reason... :) I think all of this answers it for itself!

 

Thank you Lord for these little things you keep showing both of us! Thank you for my loving husband who has such a caring heart to express to me!

Pressure Cooker

....is what I've been finding myself in a lot lately. Today, it has especially felt like one and I know these times are going to be more often, unfortunately. 

I went to bed last night with a headache and I woke up with one. It has followed me throughout my day, lucky for me, not leaving me! 

I was reminded from a friend to ask God to close doors and for God to open doors as needed, to get in His Word, and pray for God's leading. 

It's something simple, and something we all know as the basics. But yet simply forgotten. As soon as I heard those words, I said, "duh"! 

Why didn't I remember that myself!

...maybe because I'm in a pressure cooker and all my thinking is completely gone! 

So once again, I'm reminder of the simple aspects of talking to God and that is pressure, is just pressure and God is bigger than it all! This pressure I'm feeling is nothing for God to handle...

Does that ease my mind, honestly, not right now...but I do know that God is here with me right now and that is all I need.