Material things

When you think of material things, what do you think of?

I think of furniture, toys, gadgets, expensive things and so on...

In light of things going on in the West with all the fires and peoples homes being destroyed. I happened to think about what if that was me right now? Well, if you all know me, I would first cry.
But seriously. What would you grab if you had a few mintues to evacuate? What would you take with you. Now this is no "what 3 things would you have if deserted on a island" type of question. What would you grab if told you need to be out of your home in 10 minutes? To me, all of a sudden my thoughts would change. Those "material" things in your life, all of a sudden don't seem so important, do they?
If it were me, I would want photos of my family, deep meaningful things that you can't replace. You can't replace photos.
You start to realize what is more important in life. Are those toys really all that important? Sure, they may hold some memories, but when it comes to it, can it still be replaced later? Probably. Your favorite shirt or shoes...all can be replaced.

Over the course of this past year, since we moved, I've had this happen to me. Not with a fire taking away EVERYTHING, but with MOLD. eww. We moved into this TINY rental house over a year ago, thinking it was a decent place, and to a point, it has been (better than some we looked at anyways). But slowly, we started to see things get destroyed. The basement held most all of our "stuff" because we had limited space in the main house. I remember grabbing the crock pot in September and seeing that mold had grow on it. Its then that we realized what was going on and we dug deeper into our "stuff" to realize A LOT of our "stuff" down in that basement had mold on it. I was devestated at first. I was mad that my stuff was getting ruined. Mostly because it had meaning to me. My childhood dollhouse was full of mold. I cried because that held so much meaning to me. I remember the whole story of how I got the dollhouse and everything that happened with that, and just like that, destroyed. But you know what wasn't destroyed, that memory of it. Sure the dollhouse might not BE THERE anymore (we ended up burning it in our campfire) but my memory still is there of my first ever and only dollhouse.
The crockpot was ruined, but was able to be restored after some touch ups.
Then later we found mold in some shoes and my first professional pair of figure skates that I got when I started competing.

Two weeks ago, when we finally moved things out of this tiny, mold infested house into our first OWN home, we started throwing away things that were covered in mold. I burned my doll house, threw away some shoes, and had to throw away my figure skates. I was devestated to throw some of that stuff away because of the memories that held onto them. But if I was faced with a fire, would I have grabbed them, NOPE. My point is, those skates are a thing, somethign that can be replaced if needed.

What I have realized is that things are things and what matters most to me, is my family. I may not have things, but I have those memories that come with it. Those will last forever and I am thankful for that.
Then I also realized that having all this "stuff" in life, really doesn't mean anything. You may have the nice house, the big boat, or A boat, or sport equipment, or wonderful nice furniture. But what will that mean if it is all burnt up gone in smoke? Absolutely nothing. But what will matter, is those that you love and the memories you have. Those things come and go, but your family will be there always. That is what life is about and your faith that stands.

Anyone can build a house of wood or stone, but it takes love to build a home. Anyone can buy "things" but you cannot buy memories.

What's next?

Honestly, I am not even sure what is going on in my life right now. I know there is a lot going on and I just feel like a bystander watching it all happen. and I'm not even sure who I'm "rooting" for at this point. I don't even know if there is even teams. I feel lately like I'm watching my life pass me by and I'm doing everything to try to stop it. But it keeps moving. ....and I'm too afraid to get back on for the ride.
Yeah, really!
I really feel like all of a sudden I've hit a mid-life crisis, and I'm only 27. Is that suppose to happen? I know some will think I'm crazy for saying I'm old at 27, but I honestly, in the past 6 months, all of a sudden feel "old". And all of a sudden I feel like my life is over with and it's all down hill from here. The thought haunts me.
I was walking my dog last night and I literally cried in the middle of a wooded area just asking God why I've felt like my life has amounted to nothing. I think of all the things I'd love to do in this life and I see that I haven't done nearly what I thought I would by now. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I wish I could push a pause button and just wait and catch my breath.
If you would have asked me 10 years ago what I'd be doing, I would have said I'd be married and have 2 kids probably, a stay at home mom.
Who am I now...I"m a wife. Yes, OK I did one thing I figured I'd be doing by now. But that isn't my point. And I KNOW some of you will say...WELL GET GOING ON HAVING KIDS ALREADY THEN! But here IS my point. The reason I'm not rushing into that one is because I feel like there is so much I haven't done yet that I thought I would. I honestly thought I would have gone back to school and got another degree, I thought I'd work a different career, I thought I would have traveled (at least out West) the country. Still been active in sports or something to that matter.
What have I done, I've gone to school, yes, for what I wanted to initially. But I had figured I'd pursue another degree. Haven't. Travel, the biggest trip in my life has been to Houston, Texas to visit my brother. Now, don't get me wrong, those have been awesome trips. But I've wanted to go Out West my whole entire life and I haven't barely stepped over the boarder of Minnesota. I figured I would have gone overseas by now (somewhere)...and I've BARLEY stepped into the boarder of Canada 6 years ago. OK, I do workout daily, and I do consider that active, yes...but I figured I would be more into running marathons and less sitting on the sidelines. What's stopping me? FEAR.
I've realized that FEAR has consumed my life for the past 10 years....yeah OK probably my entire life. I'm afraid to go places. I wished I would have done some traveling before I had met my husband, because once I met him, all i wanted was to be with him. honestly. And even now, I wouldn't imagine traveling without him. I want to experience everything in life with him. I'm not saying getting married has hindered this, NOT AT ALL. I've loved being married more than anything...its been my biggest dream thus far in life and I feel like I"m the most blessed person because I have him in my life. Even on my walk last night, I realized how blessed I am at 27. I may not feel it all the time, but I know I'm incredibly blessed in my life.

And here I am, having a mid-life crisis as it seems. I don't really understand who I am anymore. I'm confused as to why I am struggling to WANT to have kids. I LOVE kids, if you know me, you know I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and would do anything for them! So why is having my own kids that hard? You've got me! I've tried to figure this one out for years now. I feel like just yesterday I was 23 and getting married, and now all of a sudden, 4 years later, I'm still the same person, doing the same thing. My husband and I said we'd wait 5 years before trying to have kids. So far that is happening, but I look at it more like, YIKES 5 YEARS IS ALMOST UP...WHAT???What happened to those 5 years?
I figured within those 5 years, Ben and I would have at least gone out West.
I'm honestly saddened that this has not happened. I'm saddened because I wonder lately if this stuff will EVER happen.
Why should it be a big deal...for some reason it is. I wanted to do some traveling before kids came along, and maybe that is why is so scary about the thought of having kids (amongst many other things). I feel selfish.
My husband I were planning on going out West this early Fall, but then we bought a house (which yes, is finally something I have been excited about for YEARS). But now that we bought a house, I don't think we'll be able to go out West this year. It breaks my heart.
We won't even get started on the whole baby thing. You really don't want to listen to me ramble on about why having kids makes me fearful.

Needless to say, I'm really struggling with figuring out where I'm suppose to go next in life. I know one this is for sure that I know I'm a child of God and that in this struggle of mine, He will be by myself guiding me every step of the way...even if I take a "wrong" turn. I'm thankful I have a caring and loving God that will protect me and guide me and LOVE me no matter what I accomplish in life and DON'T accomplish in life.
Lord I pray that I can focus more on you and not on my accomplishments in life that I have or have NOT done. I pray that I don't get frustrated with it and that I can truly just see where it is in life that you will have me. If i never go anywhere in life (travel), I pray that I can have an OK attitude with that and not feel that as a frustrating thing in life. I pray that my hubby and I can figure out about the whole kid thing and really understand what that means for our lives. I pray that I can TRUST you in that and understand that my fears don't come from you and that those are lies from Satan that I feel. I pray that you can give me comfort in this fear of mine and show me the truth! Lord I give this up to you and take it off my shoulders that I may not think about it or dwell on it Lord Jesus.

Crutch

I've discovered a CRUTCH in my life. No not a crush, a crutch.

Last weekend I had another break through...FINALLY...as some would say. It took purchasing our first house to finally make me realize the more important things in life...basically.

We closed on our first house 2 1/2 weeks ago, and the projects have been mounting like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, it's been a blast, but rather overwhelming and a BIT stressful ("bit" taken in a sarcastic way). :)

The second weekend, last weekend, was my breaking point as some have called it. I was so frustrated with how slow a project was going for me. I had a wonderful friend come on over and that is when I shared my feelings about what is going on in my life. As we talked it out, or I talked through my troubles, I came to a conclusion as to why I was so frustrated with how slow things were going with the house. It all came back to I only had 1 day to get stuff done, then I had to work the next day (free on a Saturday, work on a Sunday or vise versa). Anyways.

Once I realized I wasn't getting frustrated about the house or the list of projects, it was more frustrated that I only had one day to do it all in (or so it seemed).

I had come to realize that I needed to quit something in my life, and that something wasn't going to be an easy one. I have been an assistant manager at a retail store for over a year and I've really come to love this job and have really learned so much through it, with a bonus of working with awesome co-workers who have also become some great friends!

I knew I needed to let this job go.

Then on Sunday I went to church and heard Cowboy Truths from a fellow from one of the local Bible camps here in the area. He uses horses to demonstrate our life and how we obey or listen/don't listen to God. It's MUCH cooler to see it than for me to explain it.

Anyways, he said something that Sunday (this is after I had already decided I was going to quit my one part time job) that really hit me hard and made my decision that much easier for me. He was talking about life stuff and how busy we get in life and what is more important. Blah blah blah and then something about how if there is stuff in your life that takes over things, re-evaluate them in your life...look at it and see if they are real opportunities for you or are you just using that as a crutch in your life (because you are too scared to move on).

I couldn't believe what I had just heard!? Wait, what? Something in my life that is taking myself away from stuff (yeah!) and is it a crutch? Woah, didn't think of it that way, but once he said, IT WAS SOOOOO TRUE!

I was using this job as a crutch. I was too scared to actually quit a long time ago because I have been too afraid of something happening at my other job, that i was using this job to fall back on. If money got a little tighter, at least i had a second job to pick up more hours if we needed it. If something happened with the one job, at least I would have this job.

I wasn't TRUSTING God at all. Instead, I was hurting myself and my family and my time. I weep knowing what all I have hurt during this time of struggle. I hurt more knowing that I have NOT trusting God to take care of us. I was using my job as a crutch instead of turning to God to help us.

So I'm trusting God, and I'm doing exactly what I know I'm suppose to do. I"m not expecting that God will bless us for this decision, but I expect that my relationship with God is getting that much stronger and I KNOW God will be there for me and for my family and that I trust He will get us through no matter what situation comes about. I'm NOT depending on a job, I trust God to give us what we need, not for ME to give us what WE need.

And you know what...

I feel like a ton a bricks came off me. I feel like a free person. I now have MY time on weekends, family time on weekends and just TIME. Instead of worrying about work, I can take that time to refresh in what God sees more important...

Thank you Lord Jesus for making me frustrated! I know that my frustration isn't good, but I know that you ALWAYS work through that as well, and I sure can see it now. Thank you for the awesome message that Sunday and how you used that fellow to speak to me that weekend and confirm what I already knew to be true. thank you for making me face that situation. I pray that I continue to TRUST you and not have any other crutches in life. I pray I don't create another crutch....but if I do, I pray you break me of that one too!

Thank you Lord for blessing me this past year with this awesome job and the great experience I have had through it. I know it was a great experience for me and it is hard to leave but I also know you will show me the next step as well, as you led me to that one in the first place. Thank you for that and for continually providing for us each and every day!