Will Power or God?

We're gonna get personal here...OK...well, I guess I already do that. But this is where I become most self-conscious.

A week ago I literally cried out to God to help me with some major struggles in my life. I've been struggling with some bad habits and I finally broke down with them and decided its going to take more than me to figure this out! I've tried to just will power it myself, I've tried to get my husband to hold me accountable (only works when he actually is around), and just not having these things in my life...but my will power, has been TERRIBLE.
I've struggles with the lovely addition of SODA. I love the nasty stuff it is. There is just something about opening up a can of nice cold soda that gets all the brain juices flowing. Then there is FOOD in general. I blame my wonderful family members for this, because my family LOVES FOOD. I have amazing Aunts and Uncles and parents who cook/bake amazing foods!! O my goodness, you have no idea until you actually go to a family gathering how GREAT it is. But this has been my life since I WAS BORN. I was born into an amazing, talented family that loves to eat and cook and bake! Honestly...i love it! I LOVE our family gathers because of the family it makes and because of the closeness, and the food, ALL homemade, is what makes it all that much more special.
With that being said, my eating habits...WELL...that speaks for itself. I grew up with a bag of potato chips as a snack, not carrots. Cheese is the #1 food group in this family...OK, that's what I get for being raised in Wisconsin...CHEESE STATE! Everything has cheese in it or on it with it or apart of it...
:)
I've realized over the course a few months that this really is catching up with me...see, this is where we get personal. My struggles I've dealt with over the last 7-8 months (that I've been sharing about)...you know how I've dealt with them? FOOD. FOOD. FOOD. Plain and simple.
I'll admit, something I'm not proud of...but I lost my passion from 2 years ago with my training I was doing with a Personal Trainer. I lost all that I learned and the passion I developed with that. That is part of what has made me rather sad these days and discouraged. Where did it go and why?
Well, finally the beginning of last week (or it was Sunday), I went for a run. I've started to get back into my running too. I use to run for miles on end for like an hour each night. I loved it. I haven't done that since last summer...or even before we moved here. :( I had no DRIVE to do it. Well, that drive has slowly come back. SLOWLY. I started running about 2-3 weeks ago again at night, around our neighborhoods. I love doing this so much and I love what it has brought back to me. My passion is slowly coming back again. I'm so thankful.
But on Sunday I went for a run like I normally do and about half way through I just felt like bricks where hitting me all over the place. I could barely keep going...and I thought seriously?? Come on, I can do better than this!
I kept going, struggling through. I got so frustrated that I pushed myself to tears to just get through it because I NEEDED to keep going. I'm NOT a quitter (I'm VERY competitive, even with myself). I knew I could go my distance I already had in my mind, but my body was saying "no you can't, you are weak." I hated it. So I had to prove it to myself I could...but like I said, I hurt so bad I cried. I didn't cry because I was in pain physically...I was in pain MENTALLY.

After I finally made it the tears came like a waterfall. I did it...BUT I was extremely disappointed with myself. How did I do so bad? I took the next 1/2 hour to walk it off. And that is why I prayed out to God for help. I told God that I wanted a better life. I wanted to be me again. I prayed for God to TAKE AWAY these terrible habits in my life, BECAUSE they were causing me to do poorly in everything else!! I knew the CAUSE of this terrible run was because I drank soda 3 hours before that (I always drink soda every day at lunch, but that is all for the day...most would think that isn't bad, but it is for me). And with that 3 hours before that I had some lovely fast food burrito too. :( yuk.
So I asked God...I cried out to him. That I couldn't quit soda by my will power alone, because that has NEVER worked for me before. I quit drinking soda 4 weeks ago, and it lasted 5 days (hey, that was GREAT). But the next week I started right back into drinking it at work again. And here I was. I couldn't quit again. My brain was telling me I HAD TO HAVE IT and my body was telling me DON'T HAVE IT, IT'S KILLING YOU. Well, we all know who wins...BRAIN!
So that is why I prayed. I prayed that GOD would TAKE IT AWAY. I said I was NOT going to soda again, for a LONG time...but that as soon as Monday would come, is when the pain would come from making that decision, so I asked God to help me through that day! To help me through the headache I KNEW i would get. To help me through the temptation I KNEW i would have! and not only with soda, but with food. I wanted to cut out certain foods, and now i have. But I knew I would face temptation with that as well, and I asked God to take away the desire to have certain foods.

Well, I had a true test today. Today is Friday...this all happened on Sunday. Since Monday I have had no soda at all. How has that been for me? You probably are expecting me to say it was terrible, I've had a headache every day, bad temptations. Right? Well...normally YES. But this is how I've felt...
WONDERFUL!!!
I've had NOT A SINGLE HEADACHE...NOT A SINGLE TEMPTATION OR DESIRE!!!!
Honestly...I DON'T GET IT. Because what you all thought I would have felt...is what I have felt in the past. But EACH day, I asked God to help me to take away the temptation and the desire. And each day, HE has done just that! :)
I know it has been God and IS God. Because HOW would I do that alone. I know ME personally...and ME personally would not have been able to handle that alone. :)
I"m in awe at how I feel and how I've gone 5 days with no soda and even no terrible foods! I've cut my portions way down and I love it. I've been eating fruits and veggies for dinner all week and that is all. And I've loved it.
I've LOVED it so much to the point that TODAY when faced with something I normally would have loved to get my mouth on...I ALMOST PUKED!
That was my test today...
My co-worked was leaving for the day with her hubby but INSISTED because she was leaving so suddenly that she buy me lunch. I INSISTED I didn't want anything BECAUSE I knew I didn't want what she was going to get. But she didn't listen and she went to Culver's and got me what she knows I love! O boy...see how bad I WAS? she knew, i didn't even have to say anything. :( So she shows up 15 minutes later with the chicken strip basket (basket...that means fries and a coke). :(
She leaves to go on with her hubby and here this bag of food and soda sit in front of me...no one else here. Honestly, THE OLD me would have been like AHH YES, FINALLY ALL WEEK. But instead...I hesitated and just looked at the greased filled bag in honest disgust! I opened it all up, laid it all out and just thought...well, what do I do now? I took a bit of chicken and I put it right back down. I didn't even like it! WHAT?? I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT!!! huh????

I called my husband ASAP and I told him he needed to get to work ASAP and help me! He said why and I explained to him what my co-worker did. So he said he would be right over. So he showed up...and I never touch any of from that first bit I took. He just looked at me and said, did you eat any of it? and I said, with a disgusted look on my face, "I couldn't even if I MADE myself!"
He said, good. And he took it and ate it! hahhahaa
But as he sat her, he kept wanting to turn his back to me so that I couldn't watch him eat it. I asked why he was doing that. He said he didn't want to eat it in front of me (aww sweet)...but I told him it honestly didn't' matter...because I could puke right now looking at it!
I honestly didn't know what was going on. I even told him that and ask him why? My husband just said, Kelly...because you actually asked God to help you and your body is finally doing what you know to do is right! I told him it didn't make sense...that in the past...blah blah blah. He said, it doesn't matter...your body all week has been doing on thing and when you asked God to take away the desire and the temptation...I THINK HE DID IT!! :) yeah...HE SURE DID!!

He left and took the stuff home...all of it...gone! and honestly, it felt SO GOOD to get it out of here. I just sit here in awe...because I keep thinking, how is this possible for me to not want MY FAVORITE FOOD??! hahaha (or what use to be anyways). I KNOW God is the one who is doing this for me...because I asked Him to take the desires away. I didn't even want one sip of that soda! I'm over joyed...because I know God is doing this in my life. Some might say it's just that I have that much will power...and I LAUGH...because I might be a strong-willed person...BUT I'M NOT that strong when it comes to those things. I KNOW it's because God knows how deeply these things have affected my life and He is helping me take back control of the GOOD IN MY LIFE.

O Lord Jesus...I thank you so much! I don't deserve this...but I'm so grateful for what you are doing to help me through this. I'm in awe of when you ask...He will answer! :) And, it's in a small way that I THOUGHT I could control. Turns out I've been wrong all these years. All I simply needed to do was to call out to you for that help! I'm sorry I never have before!! :( I'm so thankful for the desires you've taken away and the new stuff you've put in! I know it's not over...it's only been 5 days...but God I ask that you continue to give me the strength each day to hold strong...to take those temptations and desires away from me. I don't want to LIVE TO EAT...i want to Eat to live! THIS BODY is YOUR temple...and I have not FED it properly...please ALWAYS help me to realize that. This is your body...not mine. Help me to take care of it the way I should!
thank you for what you've done this week, thank you for keeping me strong and the desires gone! Thank you thank you thank you! It's a small thing in my life, but I need you with me daily with it! thank you!