What's next?

Honestly, I am not even sure what is going on in my life right now. I know there is a lot going on and I just feel like a bystander watching it all happen. and I'm not even sure who I'm "rooting" for at this point. I don't even know if there is even teams. I feel lately like I'm watching my life pass me by and I'm doing everything to try to stop it. But it keeps moving. ....and I'm too afraid to get back on for the ride.
Yeah, really!
I really feel like all of a sudden I've hit a mid-life crisis, and I'm only 27. Is that suppose to happen? I know some will think I'm crazy for saying I'm old at 27, but I honestly, in the past 6 months, all of a sudden feel "old". And all of a sudden I feel like my life is over with and it's all down hill from here. The thought haunts me.
I was walking my dog last night and I literally cried in the middle of a wooded area just asking God why I've felt like my life has amounted to nothing. I think of all the things I'd love to do in this life and I see that I haven't done nearly what I thought I would by now. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I wish I could push a pause button and just wait and catch my breath.
If you would have asked me 10 years ago what I'd be doing, I would have said I'd be married and have 2 kids probably, a stay at home mom.
Who am I now...I"m a wife. Yes, OK I did one thing I figured I'd be doing by now. But that isn't my point. And I KNOW some of you will say...WELL GET GOING ON HAVING KIDS ALREADY THEN! But here IS my point. The reason I'm not rushing into that one is because I feel like there is so much I haven't done yet that I thought I would. I honestly thought I would have gone back to school and got another degree, I thought I'd work a different career, I thought I would have traveled (at least out West) the country. Still been active in sports or something to that matter.
What have I done, I've gone to school, yes, for what I wanted to initially. But I had figured I'd pursue another degree. Haven't. Travel, the biggest trip in my life has been to Houston, Texas to visit my brother. Now, don't get me wrong, those have been awesome trips. But I've wanted to go Out West my whole entire life and I haven't barely stepped over the boarder of Minnesota. I figured I would have gone overseas by now (somewhere)...and I've BARLEY stepped into the boarder of Canada 6 years ago. OK, I do workout daily, and I do consider that active, yes...but I figured I would be more into running marathons and less sitting on the sidelines. What's stopping me? FEAR.
I've realized that FEAR has consumed my life for the past 10 years....yeah OK probably my entire life. I'm afraid to go places. I wished I would have done some traveling before I had met my husband, because once I met him, all i wanted was to be with him. honestly. And even now, I wouldn't imagine traveling without him. I want to experience everything in life with him. I'm not saying getting married has hindered this, NOT AT ALL. I've loved being married more than anything...its been my biggest dream thus far in life and I feel like I"m the most blessed person because I have him in my life. Even on my walk last night, I realized how blessed I am at 27. I may not feel it all the time, but I know I'm incredibly blessed in my life.

And here I am, having a mid-life crisis as it seems. I don't really understand who I am anymore. I'm confused as to why I am struggling to WANT to have kids. I LOVE kids, if you know me, you know I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and would do anything for them! So why is having my own kids that hard? You've got me! I've tried to figure this one out for years now. I feel like just yesterday I was 23 and getting married, and now all of a sudden, 4 years later, I'm still the same person, doing the same thing. My husband and I said we'd wait 5 years before trying to have kids. So far that is happening, but I look at it more like, YIKES 5 YEARS IS ALMOST UP...WHAT???What happened to those 5 years?
I figured within those 5 years, Ben and I would have at least gone out West.
I'm honestly saddened that this has not happened. I'm saddened because I wonder lately if this stuff will EVER happen.
Why should it be a big deal...for some reason it is. I wanted to do some traveling before kids came along, and maybe that is why is so scary about the thought of having kids (amongst many other things). I feel selfish.
My husband I were planning on going out West this early Fall, but then we bought a house (which yes, is finally something I have been excited about for YEARS). But now that we bought a house, I don't think we'll be able to go out West this year. It breaks my heart.
We won't even get started on the whole baby thing. You really don't want to listen to me ramble on about why having kids makes me fearful.

Needless to say, I'm really struggling with figuring out where I'm suppose to go next in life. I know one this is for sure that I know I'm a child of God and that in this struggle of mine, He will be by myself guiding me every step of the way...even if I take a "wrong" turn. I'm thankful I have a caring and loving God that will protect me and guide me and LOVE me no matter what I accomplish in life and DON'T accomplish in life.
Lord I pray that I can focus more on you and not on my accomplishments in life that I have or have NOT done. I pray that I don't get frustrated with it and that I can truly just see where it is in life that you will have me. If i never go anywhere in life (travel), I pray that I can have an OK attitude with that and not feel that as a frustrating thing in life. I pray that my hubby and I can figure out about the whole kid thing and really understand what that means for our lives. I pray that I can TRUST you in that and understand that my fears don't come from you and that those are lies from Satan that I feel. I pray that you can give me comfort in this fear of mine and show me the truth! Lord I give this up to you and take it off my shoulders that I may not think about it or dwell on it Lord Jesus.

Crutch

I've discovered a CRUTCH in my life. No not a crush, a crutch.

Last weekend I had another break through...FINALLY...as some would say. It took purchasing our first house to finally make me realize the more important things in life...basically.

We closed on our first house 2 1/2 weeks ago, and the projects have been mounting like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, it's been a blast, but rather overwhelming and a BIT stressful ("bit" taken in a sarcastic way). :)

The second weekend, last weekend, was my breaking point as some have called it. I was so frustrated with how slow a project was going for me. I had a wonderful friend come on over and that is when I shared my feelings about what is going on in my life. As we talked it out, or I talked through my troubles, I came to a conclusion as to why I was so frustrated with how slow things were going with the house. It all came back to I only had 1 day to get stuff done, then I had to work the next day (free on a Saturday, work on a Sunday or vise versa). Anyways.

Once I realized I wasn't getting frustrated about the house or the list of projects, it was more frustrated that I only had one day to do it all in (or so it seemed).

I had come to realize that I needed to quit something in my life, and that something wasn't going to be an easy one. I have been an assistant manager at a retail store for over a year and I've really come to love this job and have really learned so much through it, with a bonus of working with awesome co-workers who have also become some great friends!

I knew I needed to let this job go.

Then on Sunday I went to church and heard Cowboy Truths from a fellow from one of the local Bible camps here in the area. He uses horses to demonstrate our life and how we obey or listen/don't listen to God. It's MUCH cooler to see it than for me to explain it.

Anyways, he said something that Sunday (this is after I had already decided I was going to quit my one part time job) that really hit me hard and made my decision that much easier for me. He was talking about life stuff and how busy we get in life and what is more important. Blah blah blah and then something about how if there is stuff in your life that takes over things, re-evaluate them in your life...look at it and see if they are real opportunities for you or are you just using that as a crutch in your life (because you are too scared to move on).

I couldn't believe what I had just heard!? Wait, what? Something in my life that is taking myself away from stuff (yeah!) and is it a crutch? Woah, didn't think of it that way, but once he said, IT WAS SOOOOO TRUE!

I was using this job as a crutch. I was too scared to actually quit a long time ago because I have been too afraid of something happening at my other job, that i was using this job to fall back on. If money got a little tighter, at least i had a second job to pick up more hours if we needed it. If something happened with the one job, at least I would have this job.

I wasn't TRUSTING God at all. Instead, I was hurting myself and my family and my time. I weep knowing what all I have hurt during this time of struggle. I hurt more knowing that I have NOT trusting God to take care of us. I was using my job as a crutch instead of turning to God to help us.

So I'm trusting God, and I'm doing exactly what I know I'm suppose to do. I"m not expecting that God will bless us for this decision, but I expect that my relationship with God is getting that much stronger and I KNOW God will be there for me and for my family and that I trust He will get us through no matter what situation comes about. I'm NOT depending on a job, I trust God to give us what we need, not for ME to give us what WE need.

And you know what...

I feel like a ton a bricks came off me. I feel like a free person. I now have MY time on weekends, family time on weekends and just TIME. Instead of worrying about work, I can take that time to refresh in what God sees more important...

Thank you Lord Jesus for making me frustrated! I know that my frustration isn't good, but I know that you ALWAYS work through that as well, and I sure can see it now. Thank you for the awesome message that Sunday and how you used that fellow to speak to me that weekend and confirm what I already knew to be true. thank you for making me face that situation. I pray that I continue to TRUST you and not have any other crutches in life. I pray I don't create another crutch....but if I do, I pray you break me of that one too!

Thank you Lord for blessing me this past year with this awesome job and the great experience I have had through it. I know it was a great experience for me and it is hard to leave but I also know you will show me the next step as well, as you led me to that one in the first place. Thank you for that and for continually providing for us each and every day!

Who Am I?

I've really learned a lot about myself in the past year and even more so, in the past few months. I'm really struggling with figure out who I am. I know, I know, a lot of you would say that I am Kelly, duh?!

No, that is just my name. Some would say I'm short, brown hair, brown eyes, bubbly person. Those are once again, only descriptions of me. Who am I? What is my heart?

I'm struggling lately to figure out not only my heart, but the heart of others. Whew, tall task, right? What I mean is that is someone who they really say they are?

I'm so frustrated (this is where I struggle) with who I think I am and who others see me as. So many people know me for being a certain way, but what I'm realizing over the past year is, is it that I am that way, truly, or is that people EXPECT me to be that way, so I am that way because of that (expectations).

I think...honestly, I am who I am because of what people expect me to be. I feel I have had expectations place on me (not on purpose or anyone wrongful doing so) and when I haven't lived up to them, all of a sudden something is wrong with me. I know I have portrayed myself in a way that makes it all seem right. But deep inside me, I know I'm something else or that I feel a different way.

Where did or do these expectations come from? A LOT of places. For me, its honestly from family. And then from the world (as is for most people). For me, I have never ever in my life wanted to let any of my family down, non of them. I make myself be just who I think they want me to be, (out going, people-person, organized, can bake, hard worker, house in order...so on...). I know I have accomplished just that, but is that REALLY me?

Am I explaining that correctly now? haha :)

Sure, I'm an outgoing, energized, people-person, organizing freak, some-what of a baker, hard worker (2 jobs hard working enough?) and other things.

But what DO I REALLY feel?

I feel burnt out when I have constant things going on with people. As much as I love being in the action, I also (lately) have found it rather draining on me. I love to be energized when I'm with people but the minute I become quiet, people think something is wrong with me. THAT is where I find this interested, because RIGHT THERE is the expectation people have on me, that I always have to be energized and talking and into the conversation. Little do a lot people know about me, but I LOVE to just listen and take it all in. SOME of my family might know this because I love to just sit and listen to my aunt and uncles just talk away about their lives and childhood and family stuff. And when I'm with others, I feel the same way. Why do I always have to say something?

One thing that I know people have right about me is a people-person. That I love and will always come easy for me, that IS who I am with that one. As far as organized, yes I know I am...but am I to the same degree people think I SHOULD be? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I fall short on that one.

But is it that I fall short on it, no, it's just truly who I am. I'm not as "put together" as I come across. And when it comes to our home and having a clean house, definitely NOT me. And you know what, I'm realize that is A OK (thanks to my sis-in-law) :)

I realized that A LOT of things I have placed upon MYSELF to be because I have felt everyone expect me to be a certain "Kelly".

But what I have come to realize, is just because someone lived their life their way, doesn't mean that is expect of me. We are ALL different in our unique way.

So here is the neat thing I have learned. I've learned NOT put these same expectations onto others. I know that we ALL put expectations on things. We expect someone will be on time, that they will know how to do this or that they should be able to do that, or that this or that...

But the truth is, we are created different. And everyone is used differently by God. I'm thankful for this. Are you?

My mom is an incredible organizer. I am NOT NEARLY as awesome at that as her. I have placed an expectation upon myself to be just like that, and I'm not where close to it. But I TRY. I want to be and am organized in my own little way. :) But you know what else, I'm thankful for my mom and the incredible gift God has given her. She has blessed me far beyond what I deserve in my life with her talents and she has blessed me with the knowledge that someday I hope to have as well. but God created her that way, with that awesome gift to help people organize.

My Aunt is an amazing baker...something I hope to learn. I know I'm far from that, but at the same time, I also haven't put a lot of time and energy into it. Hopefully some day. But once again, I'm so thankful for the amazing gifts God has given my aunt and the blessings she is to many who are able to enjoy her delicious makings! :) I do desire to be like that someday, but I already know I'm not going to fill those shoes. But that is OK. It's OK because God gifted her with an amazing talent, and maybe I'll develop that to in time, but God is gifting me in other areas as well.

My dad is awesome with people and that has something that I have loved to do as well and I feel gifted with. I feel so at ease talking with people and just have a knack for knowing people. Its something that comes easy to me and therefore I know I'm gifted with this as well.

Those are just examples of things I can put my finger on with where I wonder who I really am. I know there are others but those are the obvious ones.

I"m thankful that God has created us all different and I'm thankful that we all operate differently. WE change over time, but our foundation shall remain the same. I know my foundation stays on the Lord Jesus Christ and that with Him in my life, I know that who I am is secured in Him.

Crazy time

My life has rather been all over the place lately. I'm excited for this week to be over with for a host of reasons.
Tomorrow, my life changes once again. As excited I am about this, I'm going through too many emotions to really understand it at this point. Tomorrow, my husband I purchase our first home. Wow, and now that I actually wrote it out, it just hit me.
I honestly feel like crying right now. Why? I'm not sure. I don't know if its all the stress I've felt in the past month, all the anxiety, all the frustrations, all the JOY. ? But when I wrote "purchase our first home" my face was brought to a smile.

I was packing up some of our things last night, particularly some books. Amongst those books was some journals I had written in, never really complete. One of them, stopped me from everything I was doing, and I just sat down and looked/read through it. I think it's exactly what I needed this week and it is now making this week that much better and tomorrow, that more exciting.
I started a little journal/scrapbook type thing for my hubby when we first "liked" each other (even before we technically told each other that). I smiled all night long looking back to 2005 and what an amazing story my life was then. Ya see, I have felt at time, that the story has ended, but that isn't true. The story is ALWAYS going. And that is what I realized last night by reading this.

What I had written was my feelings I had towards my future hubby, how God was working in our lives during that entire thing. And re-reading it, I was amazed at how our relationship was at that very point. And I look to us today, and I see SO MUCH growth, obviously in our own relationship, but more so, in our walk with God. I read about each of our struggles with our walk with God, I read about how we came to "like" each other, how we did so much stuff and explored each other (that "new" relationship feel), I read about the first kiss, the first time we "loved" each other and even then, that we knew we'd be together forever. I was blown away about it all. Part of me had forgotten about it all and how quickly we fell for each other. I forgot that, because it seems like we had been together forever before he finally proposed marriage to me. :)
And I even look at that, and I'm so thankful for Gods hand in our entire relationship. And I look at us today, and that we've been married almost 4 years already...and what all has happened in 4 short years. It honestly feels like 2 years ago we were married, not 4.

And here we are, purchasing our first home together, something we dreamed of for so long...so long ago, back in 2005 when we first "dreamed" of forever with each other. HOW CRAZY is it that God is providing this for us and making this dream come true?

I feel blessed...FOR ONE, for an amazing husband that I truly fall in love with every single day. I couldn't be happier in life with him by my side. He is my best friend, my supporter, my encourager, my rock, my accountability, the head of our house! He truly becoming an amazing man of God and courage! Thank you Lord for who HE is and what HE is to me in my life. I feel I don't deserve such an amazing person in my life that is so understand of who this crazy lady is of me! And second, I'm so blessed that God is providing us with a house, a home that we can now make our own. What an adventure! I've dreamed of this day, just like I dreamed of the day back then with my future hubby. And now, here we are, actually having the dream. :)

I didn't think of it that way until yesterday, because all week, all month it has been nothing but phone call after phone call after phone call of what is going on with the closing of the house. All the planning and not planning and this and that...that you forget about the true joy it is...and the true blessing it is. I know tomorrow will be crazy, and I'm so ready for it. I pray that my nerves will calm and my anxiety be at a minimal during it all, because this is a HUGE CRAZY time in our lives TOGETHER.
I wouldn't want it with anyone else!

Thank you Jesus for this amazing, crazy opportunity that my hubby and I get to share tomorrow, together. I pray we can find joy in it tomorrow and not frustrating. I pray that everything can come together how it is suppose to be Lord. I'm trusting in you that you will take care of us, in our new little home! Thank you so much for our little home we can make our own! We so appreciate what you've provided us with and now providing us with this opportunity in our lives! I am so grateful Lord Jesus for what you are doing!
Thank you!

test

I've been rather frustrated for the last couple of days, because every time I go on here to make a post, I have it all typed up and when I go to publish it, it disappears.

I have NO IDEA what happened to it. And I have saved it multiple times during typing as well, and even when I go into saved drafts, all that shows up is my very first sentance.

So, this is a test post...maybe something has been going on...
OR MAYBE simple that God didn't want me to share something I was going to share. humm?
So we'll see if this works.

Chronicles

2 Chronicles 7:14
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.


Short and sweet...
I'll let you do some pondering on this verse. This verse, to me, is very timely for this time in our world. We all see so many disasters happening in our world, not just here in the US, but in the entire world. There are earthquakes, tsunami, tornadoes, you name it...
Its heavy on my heart what happens in this world. And what breaks my heart is when a tragedy happens, we all pull together for A TIME (short, usually) and forget about what just happened the next week. Why?
We had a Missions team that went down to New Orleans back in early April...YES, people are STILL helping in New Orleans. Do you remember what happened there? I remember it very clear, as it was the same week that my husband's Grandpa passed away...in 2005, the same year my husband I first dated! And here we all are, 7 years later and people are still pouring their hearts, energy, time and money into that tragedy. but do you hear about it? Do you think that New Orleans is all back together just because you don't hear about it any more?
My heart breaks that this world comes somewhat together for a short period of time right when the tragedy strikes, but then shortly thereafter, we all go back to our ways and think everything is all fine.
Lord my heart longs for all these events that have happened, even in the last 10 years, to the last 15 years. Hard to go back that far, but in reality, that was that long ago when you think of when the WTC happened. Lord, I get excited when I see people come together, but it doesn't last. We get so focused on our selfish ways and "glad that didn't happen here" attitude. I'm guilty of it. I think that, I say that. Turn our hearts from this and turn it to what we can do in this world to make a difference. Sure seems like just little ol me, can really make a difference, but if we all did that...look at what it could eventually do. Lord, it starts here. Change my heart and help me to focus not on myself and my wants!

Chisel away

I feel blessed that part of my job is doing much prep work for a Sunday morning Worship service. I get the privilege of ready articles and watching videos and things to see how they will tie into a Sermon.

Today, I was blessed to watch an incredible video that our speaker is going to share on Sunday (I had to burn it onto a DVD and test it to make sure it worked). Normally, I just watch the first couple minutes and then shut it off and move on (because it obviously works). But today, was different. I put it in, tested it, works, and almost pushed stopped. But then, I realized what the title of the DVD was "God's Chisel Remastered". And going off what the last few weeks of sermons have been ("Our Identity in Christ"). I thought, I think I want to watch this now, not on Sunday, for the first time.

I'll admit, which seems to be hard for me to do lately, that I have issues in my life that I really struggle with and sometimes I wonder why on earth I can't figure my life out. I can't figure out why for some people, they probably look at me and think I'm weak, or that I should "suck it up" and deal with my "issue". MY issue, might not be YOUR issue. And MY issue, might be rough for me, and MY issue might NOT be an issue you ever deal with or even can understand. WE are all different, God made us all different for a reason. Can you imagine if all of us struggled with anxiety, or struggled with lust, or struggled with ________ (you fill it in).

I'm learning to NOT care what YOU (people) think of me. And this video really hit home, because it talks about how some of us look to others for approval, or how we put on a good front, so others don't see who we really are. Come on, be honest, we all do this!

Here is a question: Who are you?

Some might say "Kelly". Or "5ft 1in, brown hair, so on so on". Or "an athlete". Or, "A Pastor". But those are just things that are what you are...they aren't WHO you are.

Who are you?

I'm not going to answer it.

This entire Sermon series has been really hitting me home lately, especially with some things I've been personally dealing with both physically and mentally. And that is partly why I haven't posted much on here lately. I struggle with just understanding my normal DAY lately. I should have any excuses, but I feel like i haven't had any energy to do much else than figure that understanding out. :(

I don't like that there are things in my life that have affected who I am today. I don't like that I can't understand them and even now, can't figure out how to fix me. But here is the beauty behind it...GOD is figuring it out...and HE is at work in me. HE is chiseling away at ME to mold me and shape me into WHO I am and HOW HE wants to use me in this life I've been given as "Kelly".

Honestly, I drop to my knees and weep just knowing that God loves me THIS much to spend time chiseling away at ME, little "beatin up" me. (beatin up is a loose term, not really BEATING). But through these things I am struggling with, it's Gods way of working in my life. Right now it seems like why?! But other days its like, "ah, God sure is showing me something."

I just wish it didn't always hurt so much. But through this hurt of being chiseled away at, I find so much JOY....because I KNOW that God loves me THIS much to work in my life!

O Lord, I know I'm a piece of work! :) (as some would say)...but I also know that Who I am, is NOT who people say I am or what they say of me. I am who you are making me to be for a reason. I know that my past is my past and that doesn't define who I am today! Lord, I pray that each and every day that I struggle to realize this, that you constantly remind me by a chisel! :) I pray that I can grow strong in you and your love! I want that!!

I CANNOT do this alone, I need your love and I need your strength Lord, through this process...this process of life.

I praise you for the struggles I'm facing! If I wasn't struggling right now, would I be able to understand what this all means? I pray I would, but I wonder if I wouldn't. So I thank you for this!!

Thank you for the work you are doing in my life. Thank you for your LOVE!

Here is the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QCkBL2DfVg