Renew my strength

It sure has been a long time since I've been on here...since 2014. I decided to try this out again due to the current world circumstances. I use to use this as a way to write out what I was learning and growing in. I tell ya...sure am learning and growing these days. Not that I wasn't since 2014, but life sort of just happened and then babies came.  My mom the other day reminded me of a few things I've written in the past, maybe not on here, but on other things, so it got me thinking about this all over.

I've been told that we need to approach our current World situation like a marathon. Those that know me, I love running. I'm weird I know. I find so much joy and so much peace when I run. Not every run is joyful, but I still end up finding peace in it. So with the COVID-19 that is going around and hitting us at every angle it seems. Life literally turned up-side-down for everyone! Our instant reaction is to fix it and fix it quick to get "back to normal". Well, if I have my timeline correct, it's been 3 weeks since the "stay at home" order was put into place. For me, the anxiety and the turmoil started about 3 weeks prior to that. Yah see, I work in healthcare. I'd say about mid-February things at work started to come about about COVID19 and policy's and protocols and game plans for this or that situation. Those things started to change every other day, then every day, then every half day. My anxiety started to set in as things kept changing. More meetings were happening, more talks were happening. My anxiety started to reach an all time high (I use to suffer from bad anxiety about 12 years ago and overcame a lot of those fears and troubles). I became so fearful of what was/is to come. I haven't been proud of myself because I thought I was better than this. I thought I was stronger than this.

Thankfully a few good friends have helped me along the way here. I've gotten great encouragement when I've needed it most. This is a marathon we are running. It's not gonna be over quick and its not gonna be a short run. You will have good days and bad days, just like having a good mile and a bad mile. I remember back to my first half-marathon I ran. I started out OK, thinking ya, OK, I've got this. But as the miles kept coming, I started to grow weary, tired. About 2 weeks ago I was growing weary and was mentally exhausted from all this information about COVID19. Work stuff was overwhelming with the information of what was coming. I kept looking for JUNE. When is June gonna be here and maybe then this will all be over. That didn't help, that just made me feel heavy. When you look for the finish line and you are miles and miles away, it feels daunting, like it's never going to end.

I went for a run the other day and I could feel this all playing out. I started out so good in my run, I was about 3 miles in. Then I hit some good wind because I changed the direction I was going and I also was going up a hill. I felt like, "are you kidding me!". Then this came to me. If I keep looking up the hill its going to feel like forever. Instead, I looked a couple feet in front of me, picked up my feet and just looked at the immediate ground in front of me. Before I knew it, I was at the top of that hill. Was it hard and tiring, you bet! But It was much easier to overcome it. I realized I needed to stop looking so far in the distance and just focus on the task (the day) that in front of me. Don't look to mile 10, when you are only on mile 3 (I didn't run 10 miles that day, just saying!) :)

When you run a marathon you are going to have good miles and bad miles. You are gonna feel great at some times and feel sluggish and heavy the next. Then you are gonna hit your stride again, get some encouragement you needed (either in a song or by a bystander) and keep pressing on and feeling refreshed. I'm thankful for the pieces of encouragement I've had during this time. I've struggled with this fear like I've never struggled before. I don't think my anxiety has ever been this bad and I thought it was bad 12 years ago. I'm still learning here and I have my days. I've had more bad days than I've had good. I'm saddened that I haven't turned to God like I know to do. He is my encouragement and my guide and I've tried to figure this current situation out on my own. That hasn't been working. My heart knows that God is my strength, but my head can't seem to follow it these days and that is what saddens me most. Like I said before, I thought I was stronger than this.

Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope is in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."

Isaiah 41:10 - "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I've been living off those verses lately. When the world gives me fear and anxiety from what I hear and listen to, I shut it out and pray. That's all I can do right now.