Who Am I?

I've really learned a lot about myself in the past year and even more so, in the past few months. I'm really struggling with figure out who I am. I know, I know, a lot of you would say that I am Kelly, duh?!

No, that is just my name. Some would say I'm short, brown hair, brown eyes, bubbly person. Those are once again, only descriptions of me. Who am I? What is my heart?

I'm struggling lately to figure out not only my heart, but the heart of others. Whew, tall task, right? What I mean is that is someone who they really say they are?

I'm so frustrated (this is where I struggle) with who I think I am and who others see me as. So many people know me for being a certain way, but what I'm realizing over the past year is, is it that I am that way, truly, or is that people EXPECT me to be that way, so I am that way because of that (expectations).

I think...honestly, I am who I am because of what people expect me to be. I feel I have had expectations place on me (not on purpose or anyone wrongful doing so) and when I haven't lived up to them, all of a sudden something is wrong with me. I know I have portrayed myself in a way that makes it all seem right. But deep inside me, I know I'm something else or that I feel a different way.

Where did or do these expectations come from? A LOT of places. For me, its honestly from family. And then from the world (as is for most people). For me, I have never ever in my life wanted to let any of my family down, non of them. I make myself be just who I think they want me to be, (out going, people-person, organized, can bake, hard worker, house in order...so on...). I know I have accomplished just that, but is that REALLY me?

Am I explaining that correctly now? haha :)

Sure, I'm an outgoing, energized, people-person, organizing freak, some-what of a baker, hard worker (2 jobs hard working enough?) and other things.

But what DO I REALLY feel?

I feel burnt out when I have constant things going on with people. As much as I love being in the action, I also (lately) have found it rather draining on me. I love to be energized when I'm with people but the minute I become quiet, people think something is wrong with me. THAT is where I find this interested, because RIGHT THERE is the expectation people have on me, that I always have to be energized and talking and into the conversation. Little do a lot people know about me, but I LOVE to just listen and take it all in. SOME of my family might know this because I love to just sit and listen to my aunt and uncles just talk away about their lives and childhood and family stuff. And when I'm with others, I feel the same way. Why do I always have to say something?

One thing that I know people have right about me is a people-person. That I love and will always come easy for me, that IS who I am with that one. As far as organized, yes I know I am...but am I to the same degree people think I SHOULD be? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I fall short on that one.

But is it that I fall short on it, no, it's just truly who I am. I'm not as "put together" as I come across. And when it comes to our home and having a clean house, definitely NOT me. And you know what, I'm realize that is A OK (thanks to my sis-in-law) :)

I realized that A LOT of things I have placed upon MYSELF to be because I have felt everyone expect me to be a certain "Kelly".

But what I have come to realize, is just because someone lived their life their way, doesn't mean that is expect of me. We are ALL different in our unique way.

So here is the neat thing I have learned. I've learned NOT put these same expectations onto others. I know that we ALL put expectations on things. We expect someone will be on time, that they will know how to do this or that they should be able to do that, or that this or that...

But the truth is, we are created different. And everyone is used differently by God. I'm thankful for this. Are you?

My mom is an incredible organizer. I am NOT NEARLY as awesome at that as her. I have placed an expectation upon myself to be just like that, and I'm not where close to it. But I TRY. I want to be and am organized in my own little way. :) But you know what else, I'm thankful for my mom and the incredible gift God has given her. She has blessed me far beyond what I deserve in my life with her talents and she has blessed me with the knowledge that someday I hope to have as well. but God created her that way, with that awesome gift to help people organize.

My Aunt is an amazing baker...something I hope to learn. I know I'm far from that, but at the same time, I also haven't put a lot of time and energy into it. Hopefully some day. But once again, I'm so thankful for the amazing gifts God has given my aunt and the blessings she is to many who are able to enjoy her delicious makings! :) I do desire to be like that someday, but I already know I'm not going to fill those shoes. But that is OK. It's OK because God gifted her with an amazing talent, and maybe I'll develop that to in time, but God is gifting me in other areas as well.

My dad is awesome with people and that has something that I have loved to do as well and I feel gifted with. I feel so at ease talking with people and just have a knack for knowing people. Its something that comes easy to me and therefore I know I'm gifted with this as well.

Those are just examples of things I can put my finger on with where I wonder who I really am. I know there are others but those are the obvious ones.

I"m thankful that God has created us all different and I'm thankful that we all operate differently. WE change over time, but our foundation shall remain the same. I know my foundation stays on the Lord Jesus Christ and that with Him in my life, I know that who I am is secured in Him.