Unfailing Love

Psalm 94:18-19

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”

Can this verse be any more true for my life? :) It makes me smile.

I feel like a few months ago, my feet were slipping and I was desperately trying to figure out my footing...and right when I thought I was going to fall, I felt God's love and embrace and He brought me back to my feet and He has helped me figure out this life and not only that, it showed me over and over again that God is here all the time, but you need to call out to Him. My anxiety hit an all time high for me 4 months ago...and I couldn't handle it. But God could...and He showed me all along that I just needed to let Him do it for me...that He took those burdens I was feeling and still feel and He is carrying them.

I feel blessed.

This verse is amazing!

Pressures of the World...

Well, it's official! I'm a student again!

Come September 5, I will be embarking on yet another degree. This decision might seem sudden to most as I have NOT talked about it at all. But that is only because I wanted to be 100% positive of something before I shared anything. Kind of like when you get pregnant and you want to make sure you make it past the first trimester before you spill the beans about it. Yah, kind of like that.
;)
ha, see, got ya all thinking about babies now, don't I. Well, REST assured, no babies to speak. This still does involve that, but on a different level.

Most might be wondering how in the world did this school thing happen. Well, honestly, it started a year ago! I worked with a gal at Maurices that was going to school for exactly this and every time I worked with her I asked her questions about the program. By the way, the program is Medical Assistant (1 year).
And as I drilled her with questions and learned more and more about this occupation, I realized more and more that "hey, that sounds like something I could do!" I talked with hubby about it and he said, yeah, sounds about right. But it wasn't anything serious about it.
Well, come March I started to think about it more and more and more. Our good friends here in Rhinelander, she is a Medical Assistant as well and has also been a great support to understanding more about this as well. She told me I probably should think about it soon and to apply and just get on the waiting list because there is usually a year waiting list with this program. So apply soon. I thought about it and thought about it and wasn't sure.
Then one weekend when hubby and I were traveling somewhere we had a LONG talk about it all and discovered that my unhappiness is probably because of my lack of challenges I face or the lack of potential that I'm not using. My hubby, the great advisor that he is, suggested I apply for school and really do this (he had many more words too, that were very encouraging).
So I thought it over day after day and I soon found myself on the computer looking into the application and found myself actually submitting it and then found myself calling my high school and college asking for the transcripts to be sent. I then found myself sitting in the Advisors office figuring all this school and classes out!
what?
Well, I did it. I applied, got all paperwork in, and sat in the Advisors office yesterday. I found out that INDEED there was a waiting list (as I figured, since I applied 7 weeks before school started). :) BUT she said that I could start taking some of the classes now for Fall and in Spring and that I would be put on the waiting list and be able to start Fall 2013 if everything else came back OK. So, I signed up for my first 2 classes yesterday and even paid for them. WHEW...here I go!

So...what have I learned. I've learned that this has been rather challenging for me to actually do this. I've learned that the pressures of the world are ENORMOUS! Every time I turned around and told someone that I was thinking about going back to school, it was a million questions being thrown at me...ESPECIALLY about family and having kids. Honestly, it made me sick. It didn't question my desire or intentions, but WOW did it make me realize how much MY LIFE is MY LIFE and no one elses to live. It made me realize that MY LIFE is GOING TO BE different than THEIR life. I struggled because I already knew, or least I thought I knew, where God was taking me, and then when you get people telling you "you need to think about a Family", you second guess is this really right? What is God doing? Why am I going back to school at 27 years old? Why am I not thinking about a family? Why are people telling me I'm selfish and not thinking about a family? Why am I telling MYSELF that I can't do this, I'm too old? What is God doing? And why Now? Why couldn't I figure this out 5 years ago, or even 2 years ago? Why now?
O boy, I struggled so hard to just swallow those "lies" I heard and focused on what I knew God was doing and what I knew was BEST for us. And thankful for my husband, who talked me through it once more last night as we finally made the decision to do it. He made me realize that THIS is what is BEST for us...that THIS is OUR lives, not THEIRS. That what we are doing, is what God wants us to be doing. That sure, we might be 27/29 years old...BUT WHAT makes that mean we should have a family now? WHO ever said that you need to have a family NOW or by this time or this or that. It makes me cry...and did. Because I told my hubby, "I just feel like i"m so behind in life." He just said, "what makes you think that?" I told him, "well, everyone is having kids, in a job...and now I'm just figuring out a different career possibility and now a family is pushed back..." he just said...Kelly...OUR life is OUR life. Who said we need to be having a family right now? Who ever said that you are too old to go back to school? blah blah blah...
and I just said...
"I've never experienced the pressures of the World as much as I have in the past 2 months!"

wow, are there so many expectations that people "MAKE UP" and think it should be FOR YOU. What is your life, is YOUR life, what is my Life is MY life...GOD is in control of my life, NO ONE ELSE! NOT EVEN ME!!!
And if God is directing me back to school at 27 years old, then THAT is what I'm going to do. If God wants me to have kids NOW, that will happen, if God wants me to have kids when I'm 30, that will happen, if God wants me to NEVER have kids, that will be that. If I am to go to school, I will, if I graduate, awesome. If I don't, God will use that somehow too. But what I know is that what goes on in others peoples lives doesn't mean that I NEED to be doing that too. God has different paths for all us. Some have kids when they are 20, some won't even get married until they are 35. That doesn't make either one of them "less on track" than the other one. It's what God had for their lives and it's different for everyone.

I am the most frustrated with the fact that I LET the pressures of the "world" consume me and doubt me from what God is doing in my life. I"m still not sure what God is really doing with this whole back to school thing, but either way, I still looked at the pressures of the world and let it control my thoughts and frustrations. That is what makes me sad! I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who is there for me 100%, supporting me and helping me see what God is showing us...as our family and for me individually. I'm thankful that God is showing me something, still not sure what that is or what it will look like, but I'm confident that no matter what direction I'm going, God will be there walking beside me helping me along the way!

Who do you put...

Who do you put your Faith, Trust & Hope into?

Our news only got dimmer last night. Just when everything seemed to be OK with my dad, things are now back to where they were 2 weeks ago...on edge! :(
My dad still might have a Brain Tumor. But the worst part is that its in a spot that will be inoperable. :( But first things first...we have to wait 5 weeks to see. So first off...WE CAN'T jump to any conclusions. Sure, I'm scared beyond belief and very frustrated and more so confused.

Just a week ago the Dr was telling us that he didn't think it was tumor at all...he was 99% sure it wasn't. So how now do they change their mind. First of all...we are all human, even Drs. So mistakes happen. I'm NOT mad at these Drs. by any means. But when my mom called me last night to tell me what all was going on, I didn't freak out. My mom was rather upset, and the first and only thing that popped out of my mouth (which I don't get how I said this...but now realize it's all God) was "MOM! You where do you put your Faith & Trust? You need to stop and put your Faith & Trust in God and God alone! These Drs. told us mixed news, yes. But YOU DON'T put your Faith, Trust & Hope in these Drs....EVER. The only things you put your faith, hope & trust into is God and God alone! The Drs. might tell you TERRIBLE news, like they seem to be doing now...BUT that doesn't mean anything..because God is bigger than that, he is the ultimate healer. The Drs. might tell you GOOD news, which WE THOUGHT we had...but turns out, yep, they are human.
God is choosing something different for us at this time. Good or bad, we don't know...we don't need to know RIGHT now. Right now we need to be focus on our Faith, Hope & Trust in God. But now, JUST because I trust God and have Faith in Him during this time, DOESN'T mean that He is going to heal my dad. It never means that. What it means is that I trust God that He will TAKE me through this time in my life and give me (us) the strength to get through it. And in that time...see what marvelous things we can LEARN out of it.
I'm learning it is NEVER good to put your Faith, Trust & Hope into the World...for the world fails you. But does God ever fail you? No, He is always there for you. Again, good or bad, God will TAKE YOU THROUGH IT.
I want my Faith, Trust & Hope to be in Jesus Christ and Him alone during this time. I ask Him for the strength each day to get me through it and to guide me and protect my thoughts. I now He will. I still have my bad days, like today. Today, not such a good day...but that is OK to have emotions about it...God gave us those.
But what I ask for, is the understand of who is bigger than this, and God is bigger than this ordeal! He already knows what will happen and He already knows what the spot means. God can do anything! Do you trust that?

I don't ask you Lord to heal my dad, as that would be beyond wonderful. But it's more than just healing my dad. Peel back the surface of just "healing my dad" because God is so much bigger than that. God doesn't always HEAL someone when you pray for them to be healed. I PRAY that God uses these 5 weeks to strength our Faith in Him. I pray that He uses my dad from now until 5 weeks in a marvelous way...even with the Drs. I pray for the Drs. as well, as this is something they are both (the Neurologist and Neurosurgeon) haven't really dealt with much before or even seen. I pray God uses them and sees our Faith through it as well. I just ask for prayers for us during this waiting time until we find out 5 weeks from now. We will all have our moments, especially my mom and dad. I pray they get strength and they turn to God more than ever with this.

New Life

I was continuing on with my book today, "Victory over Darkness" and in Chapter Two (yah, I'm only that far), it talks about New Life Requires New Birth.

Here are some of the highlights. It takes me back from that very moment, in September when I was 11 years old, that I came to this realization of my own Faith and Life in Jesus Christ. What a walk down memory lane...

We weren't born in Christ. We were born dead in our trespasses and sins (see Ephesians 2:1). Physical birth gains only physical life for us. Spiritual life, the eternal life Christ promises to those who come to Him, is gained only through spiritual birth. (see John 3:36).

What does it mean to be spiritually alive in Christ? the moment you were born again your soul came into union with God in the same way Adam was in union with God before the Fall. You became spiritually alive and your name was written in the Lamb's book of life (see Revelation 21:27). Eternal life is not something you get when you die!

If you are a believer, you are spiritually alive in Christ right now. The only thing that will change wen you die physically is that you will exchange your mortal body for a new resurrected one. Your spiritual life in Christ, which began when you personally trusted in Him, will merely continue on. Salvation is not a future addition; it is a present transformation. That transformation occurs at spiritual birth, not physical death.

Being a Christian is not just a matter of getting something; it is a matter of being someone. A Christian is not simply a person who is forgiven and goes to heaven. A Christian, in terms of his or her deepest identity, is a saint, a spiritually born child of God, a divine masterpiece, a child of light, a citizen of heaven. Being born again transformed you into someone who didn't exist before. What you receive as a Christian isn't' the point; it is who you are. It is not what you do as Christian that determines who you are; it is who you are that determines what you do!

Here is the biggest thing for me...you don't change yourself by your perception. You change your perception of yourself by believing the truth. If you perceive yourself wrongly, you will live wrongly because what you are believing is not true. If you think you are a no-good bum, then you will probably live like a no-good bum. If however, you see yourself as a child of God, who is spiritually alive in Christ, you will begin to live accordingly.

What was happening to me all these months...Satan was distorting my view, the character of God and the truth of who I am! He can't take away my salvation, but he (Satan) can make me believe a LIE, and we will live according to those lies we believe. I was believing a lie that I was "a no-good bum." I was living as if my identity in Christ wasn't true!

So what has changed from even a month ago. I've taken hold of my Faith once again, and told God to take BACK control of ME. He ALWAYS has control of you, but I wasn't letting Him lead me. I was trying to lead myself, which ultimately opened up the door for Satan to come in and TRY to take me down a path that wasn't TRUTH. I'm so thankful that God made me struggle the past 7 months so that I could see what it's like to believe so many lies. Odd thing to be thankful for, huh? Yeah, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have that happen!

Not only that, I am FOREVER THANKFUL that I am a Child of God FOREVER, NOTHING can strip me of that, NOTHING! Because I made the decision back 16 years ago to follow Jesus Christ and have Him as my personal Savior, NOTHING in my life ever would be the same, and NOTHING can strip me of it. I know that I am going to Heaven someday and I'm forever thankful! I am forever thankful that I am a Child of God, alive in Him!

Things in this life may come at me, like they have even in the past month, but as long as I remember that God takes the big and the small and will guide you through it. Nothing is too small for Him to help you with! And nothing is too BIG for him to heal! I don't know about you, but I'd want to be a Child of God...not a slave to the World!

2 Weeks

Yesterday I hit a big milestone for myself. I hit 2 weeks without a single drop of soda put into my body. Most might think this is no big deal, but for me, it's become what they call an addiction. You know how a lot of people have smoking or drinking addictions. Well, I have a soda addiction. It's not terrible, but I have to have 1 soda a day. It's not like I drank the stuff all day long, o goodness NO. But I always had ONE A DAY. Usually no more than that. But I would get terrible headaches if I didn't have my soda by lunch time.

Well, yesterday (Monday) hit 2 weeks with absolutely no soda whatsoever. How on earth did I do that? I'm still in awe as this has always been a big challenge for me. I know it has take ALL God and very little of my willpower to get through it. It's been all God's willpower for me. For two weeks I've drank more water than I can ever imagine...and not much of anything else actually. For two weeks I've had NO headaches! Huh? Now that is God! For me not to get one single headache from not having my soda intake is nothing short of God! I've had my cravings, yes...especially when all your family around you is drinking it all day long! :( But it honestly just made me sick to think how much soda intake they were having and I wasn't! I was proud of myself, as hard as it was, I was proud that my body doesn't want it either.

I keep going on strong...I plan to make it a whole month. Then what? I keep going. I don't plan on having any, any time soon.

What has it done for...honestly has made feel great! When I do my running at night, I feel so much better. I don't feel bogged down like I use to. I feel better about myself, that I'm doing this for the better of myself...and it's a big accomplishment to do! I couldn't be doing this if I didn't ask for God's strength in this area each every day that I tackle.

Thank you Jesus for 2 weeks free...thank you for the strength and the desire gone. I pray that I can keep this up and I pray the temptations go away still. I pray the desire doesn't come when I see it or even when I talk about it, like now.

Thank you for what you are showing me through this!

Even when it Hurts...

My good friend sent me this music video over this weekend when I was dealing with the situation with my dad. I actually didn't watch it until Tuesday AM, after most of what we went through seems to be OK at this point. I didn't want to listen to it becuase I knew it would make me ball like a baby.
But you HAVE to listen to this one!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJi_7f1cpbk

It's funny, because God did just this...he steadied my heart! :)
Amazing testiment of what God can do and what He IS doing! Thank you Jesus.

I'm not going to worry, I know you've got me...right inside the palm of your hand!

"Never Seen Bluer Skies"

-is what my husband said yesterday as we walked out of the Aspirus hospital in Wausau.
Our Faith has never been more real to us than it was this weekend.

On Friday afternoon my husband and I took a boat ride and went swimming and then later went fishing. When we left the house, I looked at my phone and thought, "nah, I don't want to take this phone with me on the boat tonight."
And out the door we went.
When we returned 5 hours later, I came to my phone and saw I had 2 text messages, 7 missed called and 3 voice mails. I thought. O NO! I saw who the missed calls were from and thought this isn't good. Something happened to one of them (mom & dad). So I called my mom back, just like she frantically told me in her voicemail earlier that evening.
She went on to say that they took dad into the Dr. today and that they didn't get very good news. I thought, OK, here we go...he has cancer or something, right? Mom just said, well, last night (Thrs) when he got up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom he got all dizzy and fell hard into the hallway wall. And then it happened again a few hours later when he got up for the morning. So thankfully my mom made him go to the Dr. and he had a few tests done. Everything was checking out just fine but then the Dr. ordered an MRI on his brain just to be sure of everything. And that is when the news turned ugly.
At that point, mom said dad has a possible Brain Tumor. Honestly, my heart sunk, but all I could do was to listen and wonder how and why? Mom went on to say some other things they tought, maybe a slight stroke and this or that. But my mind stayed in Tumor. Mom said they go to Wausau on Monday to talk with a specialist on this.
I got of the phone, sobbing right after I hung up the phone. My husband grabs me and he doesn't know yet, so I tell him and we sit and talk for a bit, well more like cry it out. After about 15 minutes of starring at the floor, I got up and said, "well, I'm going to take a shower and how about you cook up the rest of that pizza?!" I think my husband was in shock. He looked at me and I knew what he was thinking so I said, "well, no use in sitting around worrying about this when we have NO IDEA what it really is. We have to wait till Monday, so we might as well Trust God and do what God wants us to do this weekend." And with that, I took a shower.
I cried out to God in the shower, sobbing some more...but realizing what I just said was so true. Never in my life have I been able to be that strong and move on. I wasn't in disbelief of what was going on, I was WELL aware of what all of this meant, but I felt God giving me the strength that night to move on at least with that evening.
Saturday came and I found myself wondering if I should meet up with my parents someone. But I was so afraid to because I knew that would make me fall apart. I was in a good place with my emotions and with what God was doing in my life at that moment. I decided to go about my Saturday as normal, as best I could try to anyways. I was amazed at what strength I found throughout the day. I had my moments, yes....but I never went to the worst. I was in awe at my feelings, and I know it was all God. God was showing me that when I put my Faith in Him, that He would give me the strenght I need in that moment, and that IS JUST what He did. Did I think because of all this it would "heal" my dad. No! Just because you TRUST God doesn't mean it will always be a good outcome and I was well aware of that too. But I was trusting God to give us the strenght TO GET THROUGH IT! Big difference.
Sunday came. I hadn't slept well that Saturday night so Sunday I was rather exhausted. We went to church, a different church and it was a church that my parents have been wanting to come up to visit for awhile now, and that is when things started to hit me. "this is where my dad wants to visit, will he ever visit now?" Is what I kept thinking. I was a mess in church only because everything was so perfect for US and the situation at hand. I was a mess because I felt Jesus right next to me the entire time wrapping His arms around me. It was a beautiful thing, but very scary at the same time.
I went home to take a nap, to wipe away some of these struggles. I woke up an hour later, refreshed and my husband I did some yard work. It was refreshing. But I started to struggling once again later on and realized I needed to call on God for more STRENGTH. That evening ended up well and we prepared for Monday. My husband and I were planning on meeting up with Mom and Dad in Wausau to be there with them through their appointment.
Monday came and I couldn't believe once again how strong I was feeling. I know it was all God because I thought I would be a mess, especially when I saw my dad. I was at first, well choked up, but as soon as I saw him I just smiled and said, "you'll be OK dad! You'll be OK!" He didn't say much, we just all hugged and walked down the hall to get to the 3rd floor.
He got in right on time and we all were able to go into the Drs room together. Long story short...
When the Dr. came in...he looked at my dad and did a few little things, then looked at all of us and he said, "well I want to take the tension out of the room, I do not think it is a tumor!" We all were looking at each other in disbelief...and then my mom finally said what we were all thinking, "well how can you just say that?" It was funny and the Dr. said "I'll finish this stuff and then I'll explain why I think it is NOT a tumor."
He then read the REPORT from the MRI scan he had on Friday, something we didn't see or know. First of, he said he was going to call us on Saturday/Sunday, so that he could tell us that he didn't think it was a tumor once he saw the MRI images and report. But he didn't want to do that because he wanted to physically SEE my dad first, in case he SAW something just by looking at my dad that would maybe make him think differently. So that is why barely 5 minutes into meeting my dad he said those things that he didn't think it was a tumor.
He then said that when the Dr. in Rapids called him (this Dr.) on Friday about the MRI images, he had told this Dr. that it was a 5 CM spot on the brain. Which is why this Dr. wanted to see my dad Monday, right away. But when he received the written report and images later Friday night and was studying them, it was a 5 MM spot on the brain, NOT 5 CM...which is also what the Dr. in Rapids had told my parents...well not the dimensions, but told them it was a tumor. So the communication got mixed up. :( Human error...it happens. I believe it was God. I believe the Drs did see something, YES...but did it change later.? No...but I believe all this happens for a reason. The communication got lost somewhere in the phone calls, bad reception or something, no big deal. Eider way, still serious enough to come see this Dr.
So this Dr. told us that first of all...and then read the report. When my dad had the MRI on Friday, they put dye in his blood system so that the tumor would take that dye and it would show up on the images. This 5 MM spot, didn't take to the dye,reason #1 to believe it is not a tumor. Reason #2, this Dr. has seen thousands of thousands of tumors in his life and he has never seen one shaped this way. He said tumors ALWAYS look a certain way, and this one does not look like a tumor. Reason #3, the way it is placed in the brain. There are a few other reasons too, but I won't get into them, these are the most important ones.
So then onto the what this spot is. He said he has reason to believe is from a slight stroke. Which is something the Dr. in Rapids had mentioned before too. So he talked us through that and why he thinks its a slight stroke. The way its shaped and placed on the brain, it makes complete sense. And the way my dad responded by dizzy and falling into the wall, makes sense too. Most people think of strokes as their left side getting all goofy and such. Well, that is a normal or major stroke. With my dad, he is FINE on the outside, yes...but that doesn't mean he still didn't have a stoke, He did, just that it was so slight all that happened was it through his balance off for a few hours. Which is what he dr. said happens. He said most people have strokes and don't even realize they even had one!! Weird. but wow!! So he believes that is what happened with my dad.

They are doing a few more tests on my dad today and did last night as well...just to be even more confident in saying it is not a tumor. He will get another MRI scan 6 months from now too, to see if that spot is any different. If it is bigger, then they need to look more at it, but it could potentially even be GONE by then.

I learned this weekend, that my Faith is stronger than I even thought possible. I learned that in the last month that I've been struggling with who I am and even my relationship with Christ and where my Faith has gone....IT HAS always been there, i know that, but I realized this weekend that God had a lot of things happen to me this past month to prepare me for what I faced Friday night by hearing that news. He grew me so much without me realizing it this past month. I realized that my Faith is by far stronger than I ever imagined! I realized that strength comes when you completely give it up to God...and HE gave the strength to give it up!
I realized many other things too. I realized that life is precious...everyone always does realize this when faced with the unknown of how long you will have a loved one in your life. But I also realized that my parents are amazing and I love them so much more deeply than I did on Thursday. I realized that us as a family really came together this weekend and supported my mom and dad. I realized that we are always there for each other, might not always seem like it, but we are always there for each other! :)
I realized that my parents have an amazing support system where they are at right now in Rapids. my parents have been thinking about moving up to the Northwoods for about a year now and this weekend I realized they are NOT to move up here. I told them they better NOT move up here and that they HAVE TO take their sign down on their house. I told them they have amazing friends and family who stuck by them STRONG this weekend through this whole thing. And would they have that if they moved. No, not for A LONG time. They NEED to stay where they are, because if something ever happens again, they NEED them in their lives. So thankyou to all of them, family and friends, who stuck by my parents in their time of need. They never felt more loved and cared for! Your prayers were amazing. Not because of the "good news" we received, but because it really showed how strong people are when they bond together in this! It's amazing to see the strength it creates.
What if the outcome would have been different? Would we still be thankful? I know my Faith would still be strong! Would yours? I know that if my dad DID have a tumor, i know that my Faith wouldn't change and I know that God would carry us through it. Wouldn't be easy, but I know that God would have called my dad to that tumor and in that time in his life we would seek God out and Trust in Him to take us through it...NOT to heal him, but to take us through it.
For right now...my dad is OK...and I'm forever praising Jesus for what he taught me through this. What did He teach you?

I want to leave you with this song...a song that played right before I left for the hospital yesterday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdFdoWlyUDA

Here are the lyrics...really pay attention to the lyrics...its a common song, but once you really listen the lyrics it really hits you.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name