Verse of Today

Psalm 119:7
“I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.”

Rather fitting for me today. :)

I was able to take some time last night to just reflect on things. I was able to go for a nice long run last night, something I haven't done for a few months now. I've been working out in the early AM's since September and my usual running has changed. :( It was a great blessing to get out and run like that again, instead of being inside on a treadmill. I've always used my running outside as a time of just me and God. I just take everything in while I run and see the beauty God created around and where I am at in life. It's fun for me to run with my puppy dog as I've learned so many lessons just from that alone.
So today, I praise God with an upright heart because of the awesome time I had last night just running and being back in that presence again! Thank You for giving me the strength to run again Lord. It's a passion of mine and I'm always grateful when I can do that.

Who Are You?

I must say, reading Chapter 2 in "Victory over Darkness" was a rather difficult one. Not because of the content, but because it is things that I already know, but am saddened that I know longer really know what it means. That probably makes no sense.
I don't know if you remember a post a did a few months back on "Who Am I". Well, that post actually came from this chapter. This chapter is right where I stopped reading.
This chapter talks about who you are. If you remember in my post I asked Who Am I? My name is Kelly, we all know that. But that isn't who I am. I'm short, clearly, but that isn't who I am, nor does it define who I am. Does this ring a bell yet from that post.
Anyways.
Who I am, is far more than what you see on the outside. My trouble is, I'm still trying to figure out what is on the inside and who I am inside. Who I am is NOT determined by what I do. Is who you are determined by what you do, or is what you do determine who you are? I think that my understanding of who I am, specifically my identity in Christ as a child of God.

Lately, I've been struggling with these exact things. I'm not tall enough, I'm too short, I look SO young for my age (yeah yeah yeah, I'll appreciate that when I'm older, i get it), my job is so simple, we are on the basic plan of our finances, blah blah blah.
This is why reading this chapter was so difficult for me:
"Millions of people climb those ladders of "success," only to discover when they reach the top that their ladder is leaning against the wrong wall."
See, I ALREADY know that my life is NOT about being the "perfect" person. There is no such thing. I know that its not about having the fancy house, the new car, the awesome job, the perfect job, the best friends, the perfect marriage. I already know this and I must say, I am TRULY HAPPY in my life that I don't have "perfect expectations". So why is reading this so difficult, because somewhere along the lines I have felt the worldly pressures and I have thought the need to have my life "perfect". :(
Hard for me, because I KNOW I'm happy, but I've given in to the sinful world that everyone creates. I'm saddened that I've been so stupid to think I needed everything in life to be in order.

He goes on to say..."meaning in life are not the products of what you have or don't' have, what you've done or haven't done. You are already a whole person and possess a life of infinite meaning and purpose because of who you are - a child of God. They only identity equation that works in God's kingdom is you plus Christ equals wholeness and meaning."

If our relationship with God is the key to wholeness, why do I struggle so much in my identity, security, significance, sense of worth and spiritual maturity??????

I strongly believe that Satan is doing a terrible work in my life and I'm so utterly confused. I believe that once I start to figure things out with this, I get a knock out punch (for those that know me, I like to box in my spare time). :)
I believe that Satan is doing the best possible way to get me to live my life independently of God. Satan is tempting me by appealing to my most basic and legitimate needs. VERY SCARY FOR ME RIGHT NOW! :(
I know this is an attack from Satan and the thing that I'm saddened by, is why haven't I cried out for God to come help me? I've been stuck in the mud and THINK I can do it all on my own. O Lord Jesus, that is so not true...I CAN'T DO IT ALONE! I need you to help me out of this. I need you!
I don't want these needs met by the world, the flesh and the devil. I want they met by God who promises to meet all my needs "according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." - Phil. 4:19.
I'm realizing that everything keeps coming full circle and that it all comes back to me crying out to God. I'm not doing it? and I can't figure out WHY I'M NOT! It seems so simple. And the thing is, this is something I need to figure out myself, and not the help of others. No one can help me cry out to God...I have to do it on my own. I want to, but for some reason, I'm struggling with letting go. Why is this so hard to let God and let God help me? This is not the time to be stubborn Kelly...
:(

Hope

I stared reading a book today that my Pastor has encouraged me to read. It's called "Victory over Darkness" by Neil Anderson.

I started reading this book about 7 months ago, but wasn't engaged in it and couldn't follow. I've put it aside and with recent struggles in my life, picked it up again...and like always, a God thing that I am reading it now! Sure I could have used this book 7 months ago, but honestly, I think this is the exact timing that God wanted me to read this book. So, through this blog, I'm holding myself accountable. I plan on writing about my experience and thoughts with this book as I go on this journey of figuring out who I am (a blog I posted about a few weeks back)...see, funning timing.

I read the Introduction today. I usually always skip over introductions...can you tell how serious of a reader I am!? haha (I'm not a huge reading fan if you didn't know).

I discovered that I am a struggling Christian. (yeah, probably obvious lately). But reason I am struggling, probably, is because I do not know who I am in Christ, nor do I understand what it means to be a child of God. OK...THIS struck me, because I have been a child of God for 16 years now and how have I NOT understood this? Or maybe it is that I once did, but likely, never really did understand what this means. It honestly breaks my heart that I have gone this long, not really fully using my potential or understand who I am in Christ!

He states, "the greatest determinant of mental and spiritual health and spiritual freedom is a true understanding of God and a right relationship with Him." I will admit I know I do not have a right relationship with God. I know I have one, but I have always viewed my relationship with God as distant and "He doesn't have time for me" and "He'll be mad at me if He knows I'm struggling" or "I do so much wrong, how can i do right now?". I've looked to everyone else in life to figure these questions out, when why haven't I gone to Him? Again, scared!

I have people in my life that support me and are trying to help me figure these struggles out, but what I didn't realize, is that my entire support system (husband, friends, family, my dog), include everyone and everything, BUT GOD! I have all this anxiety and fears and frustrations and you name it, but what have I done to fix it? I run to others to help me figure it out. I haven't COMPLETELY cast my anxiety, fears and frustrations on Christ and I'm FAR from dependent on God! :( It breaks my heart to admit this and I'm SHOCKED I'm even admitting this.

In the Intro it shared a poem about HOPE:

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,

pain and confusion are my companions.

I know not where to turn;

looking ahead to future times does not bring forth images of renewed hope.

I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Hold my hand and hug me;

listen to all y ramblings, recovery seems so far distant.

The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Stand by me, offer me your presence, your heart and your love.

Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and every present.

I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for awhile;

a time will come when I will heal,

and I will share my renewal,

hope and love with others.

They asked: do these words reflect your experience and echo your plea as a believer? YES!

Do you sometimes feel hemmed in a world, the flesh and the devil to the point that you wonder if your Christianity is worth anything? -yeah, sometimes!

Do you sometimes fear you will never be all God called you to be?! YES!! YES!! YES!!- that one hit it right on the head!

Do you long to get on with your Christian maturity and experience the freedom God's Word promises? yeah!

I realized through these questions that my BIGGEST fear is that I will never be who God called me to be. Am I missing my calling? I don't want to miss my calling!

I'm excited for what is to come with this book and I pray that in my transparency and humbleness through this that I may not worry about what people are thinking about me and my struggles. It is my struggle to deal with and God to help me through it. I'm a child of God and I know He cares for me. I pray that God would use this in a magnificent way in my life and maybe for others as well.

Today I'm thankful for...

Today I am thankful for a Sprained Ankle. Yep, I really am!

I've been trying to figure out why I got a sprained ankle...besides that fact that I'm clumsy at times. I've really been thinking about what God wanted me to see through this.

I sprained my ankle on Sunday night. And if you can believe it, it is my FIRST EVER sprained ankle. Yep...27 years and now I get one. Strange, yes! But I'm also thankful. Wow, are they painful and according to my therapist friend, mine wasn't even that bad! O boy, I'd hate to have one worse than this. So I was moving some of our stuff downstairs from when we moved into our house. I was going down the stairs and I had thought I was on the last step, but I wasn't, there was still one more to go. So i fell, and my ankle went under me and bent outward. I screamed it was immediate pain and I knew it just wasn't my normal fall I seem to take at least once a week. :) My sweet husband came immediately and helped me figure out what was wrong amongst me crying. He said it was probably just a sprain. HA just a sprain. OK...apparently no big deal.

We hopped upstairs and I sat down and he got me some ice. My activities for the night were now over with. :( I don't know what was worse, the pain or the super cold ice on it.

The next day, yesterday, I went to Spine & Sport were I use to work and where I have some great friends that would be able to look at it with no problems. So they did and that is when they said it wasn't that bad and was just a lower ankle sprain, would be better in 1-2 weeks. They wrapped it up and off I went. I kept ice on it for the rest of the day.

And that is when I sat and pondered about this. Why did it happen? Was God telling me to rest more. ? I thought I already was resting. I'm actually still not even sure what this all happen for. I do know one thing...it made me forever grateful for the health I have!

I know a sprained ankle isn't all that bad, it cold be worse. But it still makes you use your body differently. You have to adjust and do things different for a few days until that part of your body heals. I find it interested how much we take our life and our body and our functions for granted. You don't realize how much you rely on a part of your body or how much you use it, until it HURTS to use it and you can't.

I was reading an article today too, that was about the college student who had just gotten the flesh eating disease or something like that and had lost a leg and both of her hands. If that was me, I would be devastated. Her entire attitude was how she felt blessed! I was like, "really?" I"m thankful that someone so young can have such a good attitude for the future. I'm sure there have been points where she was disappointed, and took her time to get to the attitude she has now. I think we all can be that way. At first, when I hurt my ankle, I was a wreak. I was broken hearted that now I wouldn't be able to workout for a week and do my normal work-out routine, let alone even go for a simple walk! I was broken hearted. And the next day I learned that this was actually a blessing. I'm still not sure how, but I find it a blessed that I'm not able to workout. Again, not sure how...but I'm trying to find the positive in it.

But I do know one thing...I'm THANKFUL that I have legs, arms, hair, eyes, ears, toes, feet, skin, hearing, taste, hands, fingers and the list could go on forever about every part of my body. I'm thank that God created us how He did and that when we hurt ourselves, we can adjust. Might not be ideal or easy, but we can adjust by God's grace and by His strength.

In just ONE DAY of a sprained ankle, I was able to walk on it! I was told it would be a week or 2 weeks of healing. Sure it hurts still and if I move it just the right way, it send sharp pain, but i can walk on it! Only by God did He heal me like this. I'm thankful that God is healing me and giving me the strength during a sprained ankle. And thankful for a different attitude with it!

Thank you Jesus for what you have created in us and thank you for showing me how much I don't realize it until you can't use it! You are amazing!

Material things

When you think of material things, what do you think of?

I think of furniture, toys, gadgets, expensive things and so on...

In light of things going on in the West with all the fires and peoples homes being destroyed. I happened to think about what if that was me right now? Well, if you all know me, I would first cry.
But seriously. What would you grab if you had a few mintues to evacuate? What would you take with you. Now this is no "what 3 things would you have if deserted on a island" type of question. What would you grab if told you need to be out of your home in 10 minutes? To me, all of a sudden my thoughts would change. Those "material" things in your life, all of a sudden don't seem so important, do they?
If it were me, I would want photos of my family, deep meaningful things that you can't replace. You can't replace photos.
You start to realize what is more important in life. Are those toys really all that important? Sure, they may hold some memories, but when it comes to it, can it still be replaced later? Probably. Your favorite shirt or shoes...all can be replaced.

Over the course of this past year, since we moved, I've had this happen to me. Not with a fire taking away EVERYTHING, but with MOLD. eww. We moved into this TINY rental house over a year ago, thinking it was a decent place, and to a point, it has been (better than some we looked at anyways). But slowly, we started to see things get destroyed. The basement held most all of our "stuff" because we had limited space in the main house. I remember grabbing the crock pot in September and seeing that mold had grow on it. Its then that we realized what was going on and we dug deeper into our "stuff" to realize A LOT of our "stuff" down in that basement had mold on it. I was devestated at first. I was mad that my stuff was getting ruined. Mostly because it had meaning to me. My childhood dollhouse was full of mold. I cried because that held so much meaning to me. I remember the whole story of how I got the dollhouse and everything that happened with that, and just like that, destroyed. But you know what wasn't destroyed, that memory of it. Sure the dollhouse might not BE THERE anymore (we ended up burning it in our campfire) but my memory still is there of my first ever and only dollhouse.
The crockpot was ruined, but was able to be restored after some touch ups.
Then later we found mold in some shoes and my first professional pair of figure skates that I got when I started competing.

Two weeks ago, when we finally moved things out of this tiny, mold infested house into our first OWN home, we started throwing away things that were covered in mold. I burned my doll house, threw away some shoes, and had to throw away my figure skates. I was devestated to throw some of that stuff away because of the memories that held onto them. But if I was faced with a fire, would I have grabbed them, NOPE. My point is, those skates are a thing, somethign that can be replaced if needed.

What I have realized is that things are things and what matters most to me, is my family. I may not have things, but I have those memories that come with it. Those will last forever and I am thankful for that.
Then I also realized that having all this "stuff" in life, really doesn't mean anything. You may have the nice house, the big boat, or A boat, or sport equipment, or wonderful nice furniture. But what will that mean if it is all burnt up gone in smoke? Absolutely nothing. But what will matter, is those that you love and the memories you have. Those things come and go, but your family will be there always. That is what life is about and your faith that stands.

Anyone can build a house of wood or stone, but it takes love to build a home. Anyone can buy "things" but you cannot buy memories.

What's next?

Honestly, I am not even sure what is going on in my life right now. I know there is a lot going on and I just feel like a bystander watching it all happen. and I'm not even sure who I'm "rooting" for at this point. I don't even know if there is even teams. I feel lately like I'm watching my life pass me by and I'm doing everything to try to stop it. But it keeps moving. ....and I'm too afraid to get back on for the ride.
Yeah, really!
I really feel like all of a sudden I've hit a mid-life crisis, and I'm only 27. Is that suppose to happen? I know some will think I'm crazy for saying I'm old at 27, but I honestly, in the past 6 months, all of a sudden feel "old". And all of a sudden I feel like my life is over with and it's all down hill from here. The thought haunts me.
I was walking my dog last night and I literally cried in the middle of a wooded area just asking God why I've felt like my life has amounted to nothing. I think of all the things I'd love to do in this life and I see that I haven't done nearly what I thought I would by now. I feel like time is slipping away from me. I wish I could push a pause button and just wait and catch my breath.
If you would have asked me 10 years ago what I'd be doing, I would have said I'd be married and have 2 kids probably, a stay at home mom.
Who am I now...I"m a wife. Yes, OK I did one thing I figured I'd be doing by now. But that isn't my point. And I KNOW some of you will say...WELL GET GOING ON HAVING KIDS ALREADY THEN! But here IS my point. The reason I'm not rushing into that one is because I feel like there is so much I haven't done yet that I thought I would. I honestly thought I would have gone back to school and got another degree, I thought I'd work a different career, I thought I would have traveled (at least out West) the country. Still been active in sports or something to that matter.
What have I done, I've gone to school, yes, for what I wanted to initially. But I had figured I'd pursue another degree. Haven't. Travel, the biggest trip in my life has been to Houston, Texas to visit my brother. Now, don't get me wrong, those have been awesome trips. But I've wanted to go Out West my whole entire life and I haven't barely stepped over the boarder of Minnesota. I figured I would have gone overseas by now (somewhere)...and I've BARLEY stepped into the boarder of Canada 6 years ago. OK, I do workout daily, and I do consider that active, yes...but I figured I would be more into running marathons and less sitting on the sidelines. What's stopping me? FEAR.
I've realized that FEAR has consumed my life for the past 10 years....yeah OK probably my entire life. I'm afraid to go places. I wished I would have done some traveling before I had met my husband, because once I met him, all i wanted was to be with him. honestly. And even now, I wouldn't imagine traveling without him. I want to experience everything in life with him. I'm not saying getting married has hindered this, NOT AT ALL. I've loved being married more than anything...its been my biggest dream thus far in life and I feel like I"m the most blessed person because I have him in my life. Even on my walk last night, I realized how blessed I am at 27. I may not feel it all the time, but I know I'm incredibly blessed in my life.

And here I am, having a mid-life crisis as it seems. I don't really understand who I am anymore. I'm confused as to why I am struggling to WANT to have kids. I LOVE kids, if you know me, you know I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and would do anything for them! So why is having my own kids that hard? You've got me! I've tried to figure this one out for years now. I feel like just yesterday I was 23 and getting married, and now all of a sudden, 4 years later, I'm still the same person, doing the same thing. My husband and I said we'd wait 5 years before trying to have kids. So far that is happening, but I look at it more like, YIKES 5 YEARS IS ALMOST UP...WHAT???What happened to those 5 years?
I figured within those 5 years, Ben and I would have at least gone out West.
I'm honestly saddened that this has not happened. I'm saddened because I wonder lately if this stuff will EVER happen.
Why should it be a big deal...for some reason it is. I wanted to do some traveling before kids came along, and maybe that is why is so scary about the thought of having kids (amongst many other things). I feel selfish.
My husband I were planning on going out West this early Fall, but then we bought a house (which yes, is finally something I have been excited about for YEARS). But now that we bought a house, I don't think we'll be able to go out West this year. It breaks my heart.
We won't even get started on the whole baby thing. You really don't want to listen to me ramble on about why having kids makes me fearful.

Needless to say, I'm really struggling with figuring out where I'm suppose to go next in life. I know one this is for sure that I know I'm a child of God and that in this struggle of mine, He will be by myself guiding me every step of the way...even if I take a "wrong" turn. I'm thankful I have a caring and loving God that will protect me and guide me and LOVE me no matter what I accomplish in life and DON'T accomplish in life.
Lord I pray that I can focus more on you and not on my accomplishments in life that I have or have NOT done. I pray that I don't get frustrated with it and that I can truly just see where it is in life that you will have me. If i never go anywhere in life (travel), I pray that I can have an OK attitude with that and not feel that as a frustrating thing in life. I pray that my hubby and I can figure out about the whole kid thing and really understand what that means for our lives. I pray that I can TRUST you in that and understand that my fears don't come from you and that those are lies from Satan that I feel. I pray that you can give me comfort in this fear of mine and show me the truth! Lord I give this up to you and take it off my shoulders that I may not think about it or dwell on it Lord Jesus.

Crutch

I've discovered a CRUTCH in my life. No not a crush, a crutch.

Last weekend I had another break through...FINALLY...as some would say. It took purchasing our first house to finally make me realize the more important things in life...basically.

We closed on our first house 2 1/2 weeks ago, and the projects have been mounting like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, it's been a blast, but rather overwhelming and a BIT stressful ("bit" taken in a sarcastic way). :)

The second weekend, last weekend, was my breaking point as some have called it. I was so frustrated with how slow a project was going for me. I had a wonderful friend come on over and that is when I shared my feelings about what is going on in my life. As we talked it out, or I talked through my troubles, I came to a conclusion as to why I was so frustrated with how slow things were going with the house. It all came back to I only had 1 day to get stuff done, then I had to work the next day (free on a Saturday, work on a Sunday or vise versa). Anyways.

Once I realized I wasn't getting frustrated about the house or the list of projects, it was more frustrated that I only had one day to do it all in (or so it seemed).

I had come to realize that I needed to quit something in my life, and that something wasn't going to be an easy one. I have been an assistant manager at a retail store for over a year and I've really come to love this job and have really learned so much through it, with a bonus of working with awesome co-workers who have also become some great friends!

I knew I needed to let this job go.

Then on Sunday I went to church and heard Cowboy Truths from a fellow from one of the local Bible camps here in the area. He uses horses to demonstrate our life and how we obey or listen/don't listen to God. It's MUCH cooler to see it than for me to explain it.

Anyways, he said something that Sunday (this is after I had already decided I was going to quit my one part time job) that really hit me hard and made my decision that much easier for me. He was talking about life stuff and how busy we get in life and what is more important. Blah blah blah and then something about how if there is stuff in your life that takes over things, re-evaluate them in your life...look at it and see if they are real opportunities for you or are you just using that as a crutch in your life (because you are too scared to move on).

I couldn't believe what I had just heard!? Wait, what? Something in my life that is taking myself away from stuff (yeah!) and is it a crutch? Woah, didn't think of it that way, but once he said, IT WAS SOOOOO TRUE!

I was using this job as a crutch. I was too scared to actually quit a long time ago because I have been too afraid of something happening at my other job, that i was using this job to fall back on. If money got a little tighter, at least i had a second job to pick up more hours if we needed it. If something happened with the one job, at least I would have this job.

I wasn't TRUSTING God at all. Instead, I was hurting myself and my family and my time. I weep knowing what all I have hurt during this time of struggle. I hurt more knowing that I have NOT trusting God to take care of us. I was using my job as a crutch instead of turning to God to help us.

So I'm trusting God, and I'm doing exactly what I know I'm suppose to do. I"m not expecting that God will bless us for this decision, but I expect that my relationship with God is getting that much stronger and I KNOW God will be there for me and for my family and that I trust He will get us through no matter what situation comes about. I'm NOT depending on a job, I trust God to give us what we need, not for ME to give us what WE need.

And you know what...

I feel like a ton a bricks came off me. I feel like a free person. I now have MY time on weekends, family time on weekends and just TIME. Instead of worrying about work, I can take that time to refresh in what God sees more important...

Thank you Lord Jesus for making me frustrated! I know that my frustration isn't good, but I know that you ALWAYS work through that as well, and I sure can see it now. Thank you for the awesome message that Sunday and how you used that fellow to speak to me that weekend and confirm what I already knew to be true. thank you for making me face that situation. I pray that I continue to TRUST you and not have any other crutches in life. I pray I don't create another crutch....but if I do, I pray you break me of that one too!

Thank you Lord for blessing me this past year with this awesome job and the great experience I have had through it. I know it was a great experience for me and it is hard to leave but I also know you will show me the next step as well, as you led me to that one in the first place. Thank you for that and for continually providing for us each and every day!