Hope

I stared reading a book today that my Pastor has encouraged me to read. It's called "Victory over Darkness" by Neil Anderson.

I started reading this book about 7 months ago, but wasn't engaged in it and couldn't follow. I've put it aside and with recent struggles in my life, picked it up again...and like always, a God thing that I am reading it now! Sure I could have used this book 7 months ago, but honestly, I think this is the exact timing that God wanted me to read this book. So, through this blog, I'm holding myself accountable. I plan on writing about my experience and thoughts with this book as I go on this journey of figuring out who I am (a blog I posted about a few weeks back)...see, funning timing.

I read the Introduction today. I usually always skip over introductions...can you tell how serious of a reader I am!? haha (I'm not a huge reading fan if you didn't know).

I discovered that I am a struggling Christian. (yeah, probably obvious lately). But reason I am struggling, probably, is because I do not know who I am in Christ, nor do I understand what it means to be a child of God. OK...THIS struck me, because I have been a child of God for 16 years now and how have I NOT understood this? Or maybe it is that I once did, but likely, never really did understand what this means. It honestly breaks my heart that I have gone this long, not really fully using my potential or understand who I am in Christ!

He states, "the greatest determinant of mental and spiritual health and spiritual freedom is a true understanding of God and a right relationship with Him." I will admit I know I do not have a right relationship with God. I know I have one, but I have always viewed my relationship with God as distant and "He doesn't have time for me" and "He'll be mad at me if He knows I'm struggling" or "I do so much wrong, how can i do right now?". I've looked to everyone else in life to figure these questions out, when why haven't I gone to Him? Again, scared!

I have people in my life that support me and are trying to help me figure these struggles out, but what I didn't realize, is that my entire support system (husband, friends, family, my dog), include everyone and everything, BUT GOD! I have all this anxiety and fears and frustrations and you name it, but what have I done to fix it? I run to others to help me figure it out. I haven't COMPLETELY cast my anxiety, fears and frustrations on Christ and I'm FAR from dependent on God! :( It breaks my heart to admit this and I'm SHOCKED I'm even admitting this.

In the Intro it shared a poem about HOPE:

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily,

pain and confusion are my companions.

I know not where to turn;

looking ahead to future times does not bring forth images of renewed hope.

I see troubled times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Hold my hand and hug me;

listen to all y ramblings, recovery seems so far distant.

The road to healing seems like a long and lonely one.

Lend me your hope for awhile,

I seem to have mislaid mine.

Stand by me, offer me your presence, your heart and your love.

Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and every present.

I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.

Lend me your hope for awhile;

a time will come when I will heal,

and I will share my renewal,

hope and love with others.

They asked: do these words reflect your experience and echo your plea as a believer? YES!

Do you sometimes feel hemmed in a world, the flesh and the devil to the point that you wonder if your Christianity is worth anything? -yeah, sometimes!

Do you sometimes fear you will never be all God called you to be?! YES!! YES!! YES!!- that one hit it right on the head!

Do you long to get on with your Christian maturity and experience the freedom God's Word promises? yeah!

I realized through these questions that my BIGGEST fear is that I will never be who God called me to be. Am I missing my calling? I don't want to miss my calling!

I'm excited for what is to come with this book and I pray that in my transparency and humbleness through this that I may not worry about what people are thinking about me and my struggles. It is my struggle to deal with and God to help me through it. I'm a child of God and I know He cares for me. I pray that God would use this in a magnificent way in my life and maybe for others as well.