Mute

God showed me some last night as I laid in bed frustrated. There was a reason I was frustrated, but as soon as I prayed about the situation I was dealing with, God had me realize that the same thing I was frustrated with, was the same thing I (we) do to HIM. I wept in the thought of the frustration and pain God goes through with us! How could I be so selfish to want something resolved, when I am just as guilty of a person for doing this to someone else (God, himself).

Sometimes I feel like my husband and I live in different houses together. Ever hear that saying? :) ha...
Well, it's not as terrible as it might sound. My husband is a rather quiet soul. He has few words. I've grown to learn how my husband is and how to understand his silent ways, but sometimes when you NEED that someone to say something, when you need it most, you'd like it, and you just aren't getting it. Well, that was me the past couple of days, yes DAYS. I finally gave up and thought fine, you don't talk to me, i won't talk to you! Terrible!!!!!!!! I know!!!!

And that is where I started this story, with then going to bed last night thinking, ah, really? And now today (Monday), we go a WHOLE day without seeing each other and even speaking a single word to each other (or if you count text, speaking, then we did that way. But even that was minimal). But like I said, as soon as I laid in bed frustrated with what to do and giving it all up God to help change my attitude with this whole thing, God immediately had me thinking of how it is like when we don't talk to God for hours or DAYS or in some cases, WEEKS or MONTHS. I wept! I can't stand that this is going on with me with someone I live with for just A DAY...I can't imagine the patients and the sorrow God feels when we ignore Him and don't talk to Him.

I feel terrible, but I feel so wonderful to know what God must go through and THEN SOME. I can't imagine. But at the same time, He is so quick to forgive and move on. Me, not so much, I'm still holding this in so tight.

I ask for forgiveness Lord Jesus...I am so sorry I forget you and don't talk to you about every day life things like you want to hear...JUST like I want to hear them as well. I thank you so much for showing me this last night and having me realize how important communication not only is in a marriage, but in our relationship as well! You are my bridegroom and I need to be doing more communicating with you than I do with anyone else!
Lord Jesus I ask that you give me the ways and understanding on how to do this more often and daily with you. That it becomes more of a natural thing than a "o, I better do this...".
I am so blessed to have you in my Life Lord Jesus...I want to keep our relationship strong and beautiful! Thank you for what you daily show me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is Well...

...is an easy thing to say...but is it really "well" with you?

When peace...
When sorrow...
Whatever happens.

It is Well, through the storm, I am held.
It is well with my soul.

Though Satan..
Though trials...
will come, Christ shed His blood.

IT IS WELL...is something I am praying for lately. I finally downloaded THIS song, It Is Well by Todd Fields, off of iTunes a few days ago. I've had it on my list to buy for like 6 months. The timing of it couldn't be better.
Last night, after putting it on my ipod, I finally was able to listen to this song while I did my work out. It was one of the best work outs I've had in months and one of the toughest I've mentally fought through...because of THIS song.

I was running at the time this song played. My run was absolutely amazing to begin with and it just got better listening to it. It hit me while listening to this song that no matter what I am struggling with, which seems to be a few things lately, God is going to be there and not only that, but it is going to be OK.

I've been praying lately for me to have an OK attitude with certain things going on in life right now. I don't want share specifics, so i know this is pretty general and vague. But God is answering my prayers little at a time with my attitude of "being OK". I almost broke out into tears as I was running. I felt like jumping off the treadmill and falling to my knees to Jesus. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord! It will be Well, and it will be well with my soul of what you have in my life.

I am still praying and asking people to pray for me for me to have an OK attitude and a heart of understanding with what the Lord planning out for our lives. He is always working and changing things in your life, are you going to be well with what God has planned out for you, through the storms, through the sorrow, through the peace?
I want to be well and be able to say "OK God!"

3 hr. culture difference

I have a feeling this is going to be a rather confusing blog, for you to read, as well as for me to write. I know what I want to write, but really need to think all my thoughts through very wisely.

Thanksgiving was this past week/end. My husband and I spent that time with his family up in the Twin Cities (where he is from). It was a great time all being together, its been since August! And not all of us were even there. :(

I did some shopping with my husband family over the weekend. They took me to a few places I've never been to in the cities. It was a bit eye opening to me, for MANY reason. I always see of things on TV of "upper class" if that is what I should call it. But never actually stepped foot in that time of atmosphere, until then. Again, probably not a real "upper class, top notch" type of place, but close. Either way, it was something I never experienced before. Not a bad thing.

I sure realized some things about myself through it, though. I realized that lifestyle, isn't me (good or bad, however you choose to take it). I realized how self-centered some people can get, and just how sad it was to see. There was a guy in his 50's probably, who got his hair done at this fancy place...when I heard him cash out, the lady said "that will be $70 please". I'm thinking..."say what?????????!!! $70 for a MEN'S hair cut? What did he do to his hair". Then he just shrugged it off and was like "eh put $15 on for a tip". I'm thinking, gee, maybe I should work here. hahaha.
I was a bit in a culture shock at that point! That is where I realized I was not in my culture anymore...or the normal culture? or?? I WAS in a culture shock to say the least. I didn't know how to act. I felt everyone around me was "acting" as if they had all the power in the world and all the money in the world. It was rather hard for me to be in that crowd (literally a crowd).

I've been thinking about this experiencing ever since and really wondering about how people do it? Even if I had the money to spend on this type of stuff ($90 sweater). Would I really actually buy it? Would I really "higher" myself to a new level? To me, would I really become that shallow of a person? I am sorry if i offend anyone who spends $90 on a sweater...that is not what I am trying to do. I'm just trying to figure out in my head the difference...the difference between that and me. ?
I told you this blog was going to be confusing. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I grew up in small town, in a low-key family. I'm not sure if my family life or my life situation even now makes me who I am, or if it is simply a conviction of Jesus Christ that is making me quench at some of this. I wonder if having a better paying job for both my husband and I and bringing in more money would actually change my ways of how I shop? I am having a hard time seeing or thinking that I would possible ever spend $30 on shampoo or $80 on a blanket or $20 on a glass vase or $1500 on a chest. Maybe my life situation would change that...but I have a hard time justifying spending that kind of money on things when a lot of people in this world are in debt or even poor. We are still paying of loans from school...I feel its probably a better, wiser choose to pay off greater than what you are suppose to on those, than to rack up CC debt by spending $90 on a sweater. Again, maybe it's just me and my life situation...

But why o God am I struggling with this and why o God do I care so much about peoples attitudes with their carelessness and "higher" class attitudes? Am I simply just jealous or just that sickened by the foolish that it is?
And how Lord Jesus do I even BEGIN to help reach these people or even understand these people? I can't simply remove myself from it (easy to do because I don't live it that area), but at the same time, it's NOT just that area I was in, this is EVERY where. We just don't see it heavily. I don't want to ignore these feelings, but I want to understand them better. I want to understand how people do this or I want to understand how I can relate to them without relating to them. I want to know how to talk to them and give them advise when I don't have much to offer.
Lord break their hearts for pure understanding. Break my heart for understanding.

Worn Down

I have been SO terrible at this blog thing lately and I've missed it. Even if I didn't have much going on that day that God showed me, it still made my day complete for me to be able to talk with God and share His doings in my life. I can honestly say I haven't been myself since I was regularly on here, or at least that seems to be the trend I'm finding.

I have had multiple things happen in the last couple months that have worn me down, physically. But I also know they have worn me down spiritually. I haven't looked to God through the rough stuff lately, like I use to. And part of doing this blog was me having the way to really write out my thoughts and feelings for God. Lord Jesus, I am sorry I let that slip away!

I don't want to really get into much detail with the things that have really been tough for me lately, but the most recent is the fact that I have been sick for 2 weeks now. I can't seem to shack it out and it's a SLOW going away process. All I keep thinking about is the fact that through all of this, God is showing me stuff and "getting my attention". :) It's working Jesus!!! :)

You've got my attention, that is for sure.
I've had some good sermons the past few Sundays that have really helped me with a lot of what has happened. I feel blessed that I feel they were for me completely and that God had them just for me (I know, there were others too!). But the latest one really made me realize that through ALL things that I go through, or that me and my husband go through, God is there through it ALL...good and the bad, fun and not so much fun things. I've always known that, but hearing how if you loose sight to the fact that God has your back and will always be at your best interest, even when you think what you are going through is the worst at the time, he still has your best interested.

I know now, again, that through ALL these things I've been battling physically, mentally and spiritually, God has complete control over ALL things and He is there. I just have to trust Him.

A couple days I go a received something in the mail that wasn't so exciting to receive, a bill. All I could think about was, "oo, I hope our flex account still has enough in it to cover at least part of this!" I began to dwell on it, until I found out what we for sure had in our account. Well, I found out yesterday that we have over and beyond enough in our account to cover it and I was just overwhelmed with praise and thanksgiving to God. I thought we only had half of what we actually do have. And seeing what we have, I immediately was like, this was 100%, completely ALL God in this. He had His timing in this. If this would have been in the middle of the year, the story might be different. But the way things have happened here, I know it was ALL God and even though it's been hard to deal with, I'm so thankful for how God has had it all lined up, because He knows what we have and don't have to handle things. And even if we don't, God will STILL guide you through it all, if you let Him!

Thank you Lord Jesus for showing me an amazing joy yesterday and for just giving it all up to you that you took care of us! I feel so blessed and thankful for what you are showing me through all these struggles physically, mentally and spiritually. I know Your hand is in All of this and I just pray that you Lord Jesus will give me, and my husband, the strength to press on and endure through all of this! Praise You Lord Jesus!

Up Hill Battle

I have had TOO many thoughts on my brain these days, it actually has been very hard to figure out what in the world they all meant and what I was suppose to do with them. I still am not sure.

But today something struck me in a lot of ways again, and even as I am typing this out, I really am not sure where my thoughts will go. This could get interesting.

Today I battled with frustration, annoyance, confusion, and let down. But all of this is summed up with an Up Hill Battle...and well, literally for me as well today.

The day was going well actually, but then once incident happened that really just bugged me and made me a bit frustrated and then annoyed. I am still not sure I am over this yet. And that ONE situation let everything else of my day GO DOWNHILL, ha, ironically. It made me have feelings of my entire life, of things I've battled with. Funny how ONE little thing can blow everything up and make it trickle into everything else.

I ended up going home for a bit to take a break for my thoughts and get away from the situation. It was a nice refresher, but just not long enough apparently because when I returned, all of a sudden these confusing emotions came over me as soon as I sat back down. I was no longer frustrated, well yes I was, but not as much, I was now just confused. I suppose this is really hard to understand without me telling exactly what happened. But unfortunately, I really don't want the situation or story to be out there.

I sat trying to gather my emotions and my thoughts of why this situation made me just go DOWNHILL. It wasn't even that big of a deal. Well the afternoon didn't go much better. I started to feel exhausted and just worn down. I was SO ready to go to my boot camp class at workout, I actually couldn't wait to go. I kept thinking, I need it, I need a good work out to get some of my frustrations OUT.
Well, I got just that!

Ever watch Biggest Loser on TV? Well, I've been taking a boot camp class, that is doing a lot of the same type of workouts they do on that show. It's intense stuff. I actually LOVE it. yeah, I'm not normal! :) So I get to boot camp class and my trainer asked how work was. I was surprised because he has never asked me how "work was". He usually just asked me how I am feeling and that. So I was like, huh?! I was honest with him and told him I had a rough day. He said great...lets get working out! hahaha

He says, "Today, we are going to visit the hill!" **The hill is NOT my friend, it's a nice lovely green grassy hill that he loves to use to do brutal workouts with.**
I knew what I was in for, and I knew it was going to kick me in a different way today. It did just that. Without going into too much detail of the things I was doing, he had me doing these different workouts UP the hill and then jogging back and doing it ALL over again! I was probably on my 4th DIFFERENT set up something up the hill, and it just BROKE me. I finish the exercise, but not without some good old sweat and tears. Well, I was use to the sweat, but not the tears. I finished the last set of that exercise and I got back to the bottom of the hill and I got a drink of water, as my trainer was telling me what was going to be next. I get back to the cone to start the other one and my eyes just were filled with tears that wouldn't stop coming. My trainer looked at me and was like "what's wrong boss! You OK, you hurt?" I just said, "I'm fine, it's just my bad day is getting the best of me right now." We talked things through a bit...because not only is this boot camp a physically challenge, it's also a mental challenge as well...and today it was definitely BOTH! I've never had a workout make me cry. But that workout and the accumulation of what happened all day long, had me having feelings of LET DOWN.

I re-composed myself and complete each and every exercise the rest of the training time. It was not fun or easy (which is usually the case for this class). But today was just different and horrible.

I finished! And as my trainer and I walked back to the building we talked things over a bit more. We discussed the mental battle I faced today and he told me, "you faced an up hill battle today! That is what it is in life, an up hill battle!" I just about stopped right there and dropped to my knees, because I knew God was talking to me right then and there.

I left and drove home, in tears, trying to gather what all happened today and what God is trying to do with me today, tomorrow and after. My life, our lives, are always an up hill battle. We face things day in and day out that makes us climb to knew levels with our Faith and with our abilities to change things for the better in our lives and with the people around us. Today I faced a hill to deal with with people and with my emotions with that. God is showing me things with that, and it's only JUST begun. I am so thankful God has shown me this hill I am trying to get up...and I feel like I have a 10lb weight attached to me, because I feel burdened. Not that is a bad thing, I just feel God really working with me right now, and it's at a tough spot in the hill.

My faith will be grounded better because of what I dealt with today, in my situations personally and through my work out. I am so excited to get to the top, not because it will be over, but because I will have learned what it takes to FINISH to get there. God, I don't want to give up here in the middle of this hill, help me to push through to get to the end of this and to help me through this...JUST like you HELPED me today battle through my workout of finishing each and everyone of my exercises today and NOT giving up on it. I don't want to give up on what you are showing me here now! Make me fall to my knees, make me weep to know it hurts to I don't ignore this.
Thank you Jesus for all the blessings of today! I am blessed to have come to a waggy doggy happy to see me and a smiling husband because I was home! Thank you for them and the joy they show me when I need it the most! I know that is all you!!!

Don't Give In, PUSH through to the End!

Well, first I'll state the obvious that I have not posted on here for nearly 5 months! :( I have had great intentions to start this back up again a few months ago...and i have no excuses to tell, except plan laziness on my end.
I will say, God still has been showing me numerous things in my life. This past weekend I had they great privilege of spending time with my parents and some family friends of ours back in Wisc. Rapids. I was so encouraged talking with these family friends of my parents that it really got me motivated to keep this up and going again!
So, with that...here I go again! :)

Last night I had my 6th boot camp sessions. I suppose I should probably give you that history first as to where that came from. I signed up for a boot camp (workout) class with Anytime Fitness (where I workout at). Get this...I begged my husband to let me do this class! Who does that, first of all?! I jumped at this hard, intense opportunity and started this about 3 weeks ago now. I have boot camp class 2 nights a week for an hour long each. It's brutally intense. It's like a love/hate type of relationship. I hate the pain, but I love the feeling afterwards and how hard I've worked to accomplish the stuff the trainer is making me do. I never thought I'd ever be able to do those type of workouts, and I am. Anyways...
So last night I had my 6th session (o, by the way, there at 16 total sessions, for 8 weeks long). Long story short...each sessions is always different, you never know what you are going to do or how hard the trainer is going to work you. So with that...by now I'm close to half way with this boot camp stuff and I'm hardly sore anymore after a sessions, I'm not as exhausted as I was. Good thing? Yeah, probably! :)
Well last night the trainer had me doing some sprints. I did this probably my first boot camp day, but not has long of a sprint or as hard. Why was it harder, well because he had me going up a hill!! Yeah, go figure, right?!
Well, the point of my story and what God revealed to me this morning is this:
These sprints were horrible. I am not FAST, I'm a distance runner, not a sprinter. I'd like to think I could be a sprinter, someday, but after this, I'm not sure I'm cut out for it, but maybe my trainer would tell me differently too...who knows. So he had me doing 15 of these sprints...15!!!! Some might thinks, that's nothing. But alright, let me give you some details on these sprints. He has me start at a starting point with a cone, and then I have to run about 50-60 YARDS, with one mini hill and then a HUGE hill...while still sprinting. Tough! The first 3 I did in about 21 seconds. He has them written down in the exact times, but I know they were like 21-22. So then after I have done about 6, my body is feeling sick. I just was burnt out. My legs were fine, but my stomach and this strange feeling I had just were icky. I felt like rolling down the hill. hahah. I told my trainer, dude, not feeling great. I took a mini (15 sec break) and headed back down the hill, in a jog by the way, o yes, i still had to run back to the starting point. I run another two of these, just not feeling great at all. My times were now turning to 25-26 seconds. He kept telling me, your goal is to NOT get a 28 sec on any of these. If you get 28 seconds you'll have to do lung walks after this. I'm thinking, o mercy...where am I going to find this energy and this feeling of icky to go away!? I jog back down the hill to the starting cone and I'm just praying for God to help me FINISH this entire workout, at this point. I get to the starting point and all of a sudden I'm feeling this icky feeling....being relieved. I run my sprint (which was I think #11/15). I get to the end and he tells me I ran it in 24 seconds (which remember I was doing them in 25-26 just before this). I was like, huh? That is getting better. I jog back down and think to myself...I'm feeling good, this is strange. Now something about me you might want to know, I'm a goal setter! I live my check lists and goals! So of course, naturally, as I'm jogging back down I tell my self, get this next one in 23 seconds. I go off and I get it in 22.9. I'm like, nice! and I"m feeling better than I did at #2!!! (still not as fast, but feeling great!). My trainer was impressed and he's like, where is this coming from? and I just told him I was feeling much better and all that. He explained some stuff to me as to how my body was feeling icky before because of ??? (something) and now it's doing this because of ?? (something). hahaha, I don't honestly remember what he told me because i was so focused on getting back down the start so I could keep doing this. I was excited to get back down there and keep at these sprints!! I wanted to beat my last time every time.
So I finished my 14th sprint in 22.9 and my trainer was like, this is your last one, your goal is to get this one in 22 seconds. You can do that! I'm think...MY goal is 21! hahaha...
I get down to the start and he tells me 'GO' and I just bolt out of the start like a mad woman...I felt fast and I pushed it! I get to the top of the hill at the finish and I'm just like..."ahhhhhh". I was like "what was it! what was it!!". He said get back over here and I'll tell you (because of course i ran back down the other side of the hill because i was going to fast). He says...your best time of all the sprints! and I have this confused look on my face like...huh? my fastest was 21 or 20.9. He said 20 flat! I about rolled down the hill!! I couldn't believe I was able to push that fast and that hard...i expected 22 or 21...but 20!!! wow!!

This morning I kept thinking about that exercise he had me do and how I couldn't stop thinking about how in the world I possible over came that icky feeling. I know my trainer gave me that nice explanation as to this and that with the body doing this and that. I just couldn't help but relate this back to my, our our, Christian walk. When we first become Christians we start out running great and well, maybe not our BEST, but very well!! Somewhere down the road in the middle of our journey, things happen and we turn icky and we feel frustrated, weary, burdened, pain, sorrow, grief, questions and questions as to what God is doing with our life and our Faith. Then God gives us this unbelievable amount of straight, wisdom, courage, Faith and Grace that we are able to endure through the worst of storms in this Christian walk of ours. We are then able to finish in our BEST!
The best is always yet to come...but we have to realize the road isn't always going to be and easy climb...we'll have icky parts we have to endure through, but once we get through them, it's the best part at the end!

Thank you Lord Jesus for this unbelievable experience I am having with boot camp and things you are showing me in my physical part of life as well as the mental. I appreciate so much all that you continue to show me in the oddest things I do! :) I love that the most, because it makes me remember that you are in EVERYTHING we do, even boot camp! :)
Thank you Lord Jesus for what you are showing me and teaching me. May I be able to share my experiences with others and may others be able to relate to this someday, sometime.

Surrounded by...

It seems as though, lately, all around me I am hearing things about cancer and death. In the last week, I know 4 deaths that have happened, 2 of which were cancer. My heart has been aching...and I didn't even know hardly any of these people. So why am I hurting...

The one that is hitting me the hardest right now is a 25 year old woman that died Thursday evening after her battle with Leukemia...just a short 6 month battle. This person, I did know. Not on a personal level, but I did go to high school with her, she was actually in my brothers class and my sister in law's (my brothers wife) best friend in high school. My heart is just broken and just stunned. I know God has things happen for a reason. I guess it just really hits home when it someone that is YOUR AGE and someone you KNEW. But not only that...but what I am broken about is the fact that just a year ago, she was perfectly fine! In fact, just 8 months ago she was perfectly fine. And how her world turned upside down in just a very short time. It has made me realize, that not only are we not all guaranteed tomorrow, but we aren't guaranteed even 6 months from now. I bet she thought a year ago certain things, and then all of a sudden, boom...cancer...and boom...battling for her life which ended so fast!
I'm shocked at the fact that it was only a battle for 6 months and I just can't get over that how just 8 months ago, she was fine and never even had that thought of cancer in her life.
I laid in bed Saturday night wide awake thinking about all of this and how God has a plan for ME, for my husband, for my parents, for my co-workers and for my friends. And how so too often we just live every day as if we'll have tomorrow and if we have the whole next year to do that or this. But reality hit, and who knows if I will be or my husband or my parents or a dear friend won't be here 6 months from now and how God can, at any time, turn our paths a different direction...and HAVE US refocus our lives back on Him and what He has planned out for us...HAS OUR BEST INTEREST IN MIND.
It's interesting that our Sermon Series at church is on the book of James. And yesterday spoke of the James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I fall to my knees to you Lord Jesus...that through trials that we face, BIG OR SMALL, that we will be testing in our faith. Lord Jesus I don't even know how to think right now as I am so overwhelmed with emotions of fear, of hopelessness, of strength, of courage, of fear and of the unknown and the love you give. It's a wide range of emotions Lord and I am just not sure what to feel towards all of this. I know ALL things that come to happen are nothing I can control...and I pray right now that I may always realize this and that others may see this as well. And that no matter what I may face today, tomorrow, 3 months, 6 months, a year from now...may I consider it pure joy what you have set before me! Lord I know there is more to all of this of what has happened this week in deaths that I haven't even seen yet. I pray that others will see these things from you as well...and that may there be lives changed to You in these happenings!