I am Held

...is something I have honestly felt a lot of lately. I have felt God work in my life more lately than I have in a long time. And it feels great! :)
I never thought I'd be able to say, that... through the storm, I am held. I have felt God closer to me, and it's all because I have let Him in to help me. I'm like most people and think that we can face things and take care of things on my own, "I've got this" type of attitude. Well, I knew I'd have to dig deep to really understand what God was doing in our lives. And boy, when you ask God and turn to him about ALL your emotions, watch out! I had NO idea what I was about to feel...in fact, I remember telling myself, there is no way my feelings will change on this matter. I must have said one to many prayers and helps to God, because wow, never before have I felt God be more clear to me about something than any time in my life before.
God has really done a number on my heart and it's all Him. I never thought I would be able to have a change of heart at something that is (or seems) so huge at this point in my life. I praise God how He has poured out onto me tons of joys and positives to help me through a storm in my life right now. I am truly held through this storm and I would not have been able to say that a month ago...let alone 3 weeks ago either.
I'm still scared and still uncertain, but I'm am actually OK with that.

I was having a BLUE day yesterday and was on the verge of tears all day. I was thankful for a half day of work to be able to go home and have some much needed me time (and time with our puppy dog!). :) I went and worked out later that evening, still having a "me" moment and just time to be alone (that is what I felt like, just being alone).
God allowed me to have an amazing workout last night (seems funny, but true). I had an incredible run last night. Those always make me feel good and to really think and talk to God. When I got done with my run and did some weights and it was then that i tuned into my ipod. I love it when the right song comes on just when you need it most. And that is just what happened. The song, "It is Well" came on, and that is one of my all time favorites. And that is where I get this from. God totally spoke to me last night saying...I've been holding you, dear child Kelly. I'm holding you. I stopped what i was doing and just sat there in awe! I had tears well up in my eyes thinking of how God has totally been here for me, even though things seems hard right now and they make me sick to my stomach, God is there and has been!
I'm sure people in the gym were like, "what is going on with her", but well, that has happened before...so at this point, i don't care! :) haha
I'm so thankful, that when I face a hard time or a storm (or a storm that someone else might not think is a big deal, but is to me), God doesn't just blow it off and think "suck it up Kelly". No, He is there to show you nothing my love and support and He is holding you!
Praise you Jesus!

Thank you for holding me and showing me all things you've shown me in the last month. I'm in awe of You.

A New Song

Last night was a whirlwind and I feel God is showing me a new song in life. Then I talk to a dear friend about what God might be showing me and it's fitting that she shared me a devotional she just read...she thought it could apply. Here it is:

He hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God; many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD. -Psalm 40:3

Your journey through life is not often easy, and you may experience times when you awaken to find yourself battered and bruised, lost and forsaken, lying helpless along the side of life's road. Your resources gone and your strength spent, you may wonder if there is hope for you. Will anyone come along to help?
God has promised that there is no circumstance from which he cannot rescue you. If you call out to him,he will help you to your feet and provide comfort and support until your wounds heal and you are able to continue on your way. Though the circumstances that caused your fall may still be present, he has promised to walk with you, steadying your feet and filling your heart with hope until you reach your final destination.

I praise you Jesus that when things get difficult or when things seem like there is just no way I'll feel OK again, there is...it's through You and You alone. I praise you for the trails and I praise you for showing me that life is OK to change and change can be OK. I ask that you continually show me that change and trials and struggles are OK because you are working through them and working in me and providing other opportunities. Please help me find joy and strength. I know things will be OK because you are apart of my life (our lives). Continue to work in me.

I have no strength left, God. Life me up and give me new hope as I place my trust in you. Amen.

Status Quo

I've had a hard time posting something lately for the simple reason I'm lost with understanding things in general. If I were to post about something...believe me, I've had things to share, but they just would come out all gibberish or something. No one would get it, I don't think I even would for that matter. So I've just sat waiting to understanding a little bit more...but well, that still hasn't happened.

I will say...waiting on something or someone to come around or what not...might help. But just when I thought things could be good or I was starting to maybe understand something...I get squashed in the face...with an attitude I don't understand. So here I am again...wondering.

So I don't have much...but I'm just getting frustrated with "status"...plain and simple. I think this is what it all comes down to (with my confusion and frustration). I don't want to offend anyone or make someone think they are a terrible person...that is not what this is. But this whole thing is almost like back in high school with all the "cool kids" vs "non-cool kids" drama that went on. But this isn't just about one person or a couple people, I'm talking about people in general in this lovely world we live in. I wasn't a cool kid in high school, but i also wasn't a "loser" as some called it. I just was "normal"...frankly, I'm glad! :)
I feel I've kept that "normal" life and lifestyle. I never want to be the "popular" one or "cool kid". What does that really mean anyway? What does it mean to be popular? or cool? And for the big question...WHY should it MATTER if you are popular or cool? Something I will never understand...and I am OK with that, but I just am bothered by the fact that I feel attitude from People in general when i might not be cool. So...again...define cool?!
From what I've gathered..."cool" means that you have all the latest "popular" (ha...now that is interesting) THINGS in life. Like you have the blackberry or droid phone. You have an iPad or iPhone or Mac. You have a Wii or Xbox. You have a 52" flat screen TV, no a 32" or smaller. You have a fancy digital camera. You have the latest style of fashion out in the store. You have the trendy hair style or what not. You have a nice car or newer car. You have a membership at a fitness club. You can go on trips...not in WI or MN (or the state you live in), but actually road trip. And not even road trip...but you go somewhere WARM or TROPICAL. You are talented in an obvious sort of way (like sports or musically or...)
The list could go on I'm sure...
I'm not saying I don't have some of these, maybe I do. But the interesting thing on this...is these things tend to CONTROL who a person is or becomes. Or...they make the person then feel they are "cool". Maybe, maybe not, again, just something I've observed. I just feel so many people get wrapped up into the "status" of what these things make them be. I'm frustrated and sickened by if you DON'T have these things...it's shoved in your face that "haha, I've got this...". Again, SOME people DON'T act that way...
But what I've observed from some lately is just that. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it just is hurtful to see attitudes made and then attitudes given out unfairly. I weep for those...and I weep for the joy that is gone in life because we get wrapped up in the things of this world. These tangible things mean nothing. Where is the personal relationship with others, and most importantly were is the personal relationship with God? I'm just as guilty as everyone else...and I weep for myself of how wrapped up we can get into a game or a phone or a trip or a TV or the list could go on, that we loose sight of actually having a conversation with someone and when you have a conversation with someone...don't look at them as a "cool" or "popular" person for what they have or don't have...look at them for them. Don't give attitudes out for what you have and they don't have.
That doesn't make you...none of this Makes you...

You family makes you, your personal relationships make you, Jesus Christ makes you. Have you thought about Him today? Have you set that piece of technology down for a second to realize there are bigger things in the world that need attention?
I don't want to say anymore because I'm just hurt by the thought of all this. Again...I'm just as guilty...and I pray God can forgive me for the things I get wrapped up into and I pray God drops me to my knees in the understanding and power of God himself in this world.
Lord Jesus, I don't want to be them...I want you to be in me and making me who I need to be in this lost and forsaken world. Let me be the light and have an attitude of forgiveness and understanding on people every day. Help me to understand this whole thing better and help me to love when I'm hurt and weeping for others. Help me to understand and help me to change as well. Make me realize when I am getting wrapped up in a worldly thing that doesn't need that attention and something else or someone else needs my attention more.

Mute

God showed me some last night as I laid in bed frustrated. There was a reason I was frustrated, but as soon as I prayed about the situation I was dealing with, God had me realize that the same thing I was frustrated with, was the same thing I (we) do to HIM. I wept in the thought of the frustration and pain God goes through with us! How could I be so selfish to want something resolved, when I am just as guilty of a person for doing this to someone else (God, himself).

Sometimes I feel like my husband and I live in different houses together. Ever hear that saying? :) ha...
Well, it's not as terrible as it might sound. My husband is a rather quiet soul. He has few words. I've grown to learn how my husband is and how to understand his silent ways, but sometimes when you NEED that someone to say something, when you need it most, you'd like it, and you just aren't getting it. Well, that was me the past couple of days, yes DAYS. I finally gave up and thought fine, you don't talk to me, i won't talk to you! Terrible!!!!!!!! I know!!!!

And that is where I started this story, with then going to bed last night thinking, ah, really? And now today (Monday), we go a WHOLE day without seeing each other and even speaking a single word to each other (or if you count text, speaking, then we did that way. But even that was minimal). But like I said, as soon as I laid in bed frustrated with what to do and giving it all up God to help change my attitude with this whole thing, God immediately had me thinking of how it is like when we don't talk to God for hours or DAYS or in some cases, WEEKS or MONTHS. I wept! I can't stand that this is going on with me with someone I live with for just A DAY...I can't imagine the patients and the sorrow God feels when we ignore Him and don't talk to Him.

I feel terrible, but I feel so wonderful to know what God must go through and THEN SOME. I can't imagine. But at the same time, He is so quick to forgive and move on. Me, not so much, I'm still holding this in so tight.

I ask for forgiveness Lord Jesus...I am so sorry I forget you and don't talk to you about every day life things like you want to hear...JUST like I want to hear them as well. I thank you so much for showing me this last night and having me realize how important communication not only is in a marriage, but in our relationship as well! You are my bridegroom and I need to be doing more communicating with you than I do with anyone else!
Lord Jesus I ask that you give me the ways and understanding on how to do this more often and daily with you. That it becomes more of a natural thing than a "o, I better do this...".
I am so blessed to have you in my Life Lord Jesus...I want to keep our relationship strong and beautiful! Thank you for what you daily show me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is Well...

...is an easy thing to say...but is it really "well" with you?

When peace...
When sorrow...
Whatever happens.

It is Well, through the storm, I am held.
It is well with my soul.

Though Satan..
Though trials...
will come, Christ shed His blood.

IT IS WELL...is something I am praying for lately. I finally downloaded THIS song, It Is Well by Todd Fields, off of iTunes a few days ago. I've had it on my list to buy for like 6 months. The timing of it couldn't be better.
Last night, after putting it on my ipod, I finally was able to listen to this song while I did my work out. It was one of the best work outs I've had in months and one of the toughest I've mentally fought through...because of THIS song.

I was running at the time this song played. My run was absolutely amazing to begin with and it just got better listening to it. It hit me while listening to this song that no matter what I am struggling with, which seems to be a few things lately, God is going to be there and not only that, but it is going to be OK.

I've been praying lately for me to have an OK attitude with certain things going on in life right now. I don't want share specifics, so i know this is pretty general and vague. But God is answering my prayers little at a time with my attitude of "being OK". I almost broke out into tears as I was running. I felt like jumping off the treadmill and falling to my knees to Jesus. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord! It will be Well, and it will be well with my soul of what you have in my life.

I am still praying and asking people to pray for me for me to have an OK attitude and a heart of understanding with what the Lord planning out for our lives. He is always working and changing things in your life, are you going to be well with what God has planned out for you, through the storms, through the sorrow, through the peace?
I want to be well and be able to say "OK God!"

3 hr. culture difference

I have a feeling this is going to be a rather confusing blog, for you to read, as well as for me to write. I know what I want to write, but really need to think all my thoughts through very wisely.

Thanksgiving was this past week/end. My husband and I spent that time with his family up in the Twin Cities (where he is from). It was a great time all being together, its been since August! And not all of us were even there. :(

I did some shopping with my husband family over the weekend. They took me to a few places I've never been to in the cities. It was a bit eye opening to me, for MANY reason. I always see of things on TV of "upper class" if that is what I should call it. But never actually stepped foot in that time of atmosphere, until then. Again, probably not a real "upper class, top notch" type of place, but close. Either way, it was something I never experienced before. Not a bad thing.

I sure realized some things about myself through it, though. I realized that lifestyle, isn't me (good or bad, however you choose to take it). I realized how self-centered some people can get, and just how sad it was to see. There was a guy in his 50's probably, who got his hair done at this fancy place...when I heard him cash out, the lady said "that will be $70 please". I'm thinking..."say what?????????!!! $70 for a MEN'S hair cut? What did he do to his hair". Then he just shrugged it off and was like "eh put $15 on for a tip". I'm thinking, gee, maybe I should work here. hahaha.
I was a bit in a culture shock at that point! That is where I realized I was not in my culture anymore...or the normal culture? or?? I WAS in a culture shock to say the least. I didn't know how to act. I felt everyone around me was "acting" as if they had all the power in the world and all the money in the world. It was rather hard for me to be in that crowd (literally a crowd).

I've been thinking about this experiencing ever since and really wondering about how people do it? Even if I had the money to spend on this type of stuff ($90 sweater). Would I really actually buy it? Would I really "higher" myself to a new level? To me, would I really become that shallow of a person? I am sorry if i offend anyone who spends $90 on a sweater...that is not what I am trying to do. I'm just trying to figure out in my head the difference...the difference between that and me. ?
I told you this blog was going to be confusing. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I grew up in small town, in a low-key family. I'm not sure if my family life or my life situation even now makes me who I am, or if it is simply a conviction of Jesus Christ that is making me quench at some of this. I wonder if having a better paying job for both my husband and I and bringing in more money would actually change my ways of how I shop? I am having a hard time seeing or thinking that I would possible ever spend $30 on shampoo or $80 on a blanket or $20 on a glass vase or $1500 on a chest. Maybe my life situation would change that...but I have a hard time justifying spending that kind of money on things when a lot of people in this world are in debt or even poor. We are still paying of loans from school...I feel its probably a better, wiser choose to pay off greater than what you are suppose to on those, than to rack up CC debt by spending $90 on a sweater. Again, maybe it's just me and my life situation...

But why o God am I struggling with this and why o God do I care so much about peoples attitudes with their carelessness and "higher" class attitudes? Am I simply just jealous or just that sickened by the foolish that it is?
And how Lord Jesus do I even BEGIN to help reach these people or even understand these people? I can't simply remove myself from it (easy to do because I don't live it that area), but at the same time, it's NOT just that area I was in, this is EVERY where. We just don't see it heavily. I don't want to ignore these feelings, but I want to understand them better. I want to understand how people do this or I want to understand how I can relate to them without relating to them. I want to know how to talk to them and give them advise when I don't have much to offer.
Lord break their hearts for pure understanding. Break my heart for understanding.

Worn Down

I have been SO terrible at this blog thing lately and I've missed it. Even if I didn't have much going on that day that God showed me, it still made my day complete for me to be able to talk with God and share His doings in my life. I can honestly say I haven't been myself since I was regularly on here, or at least that seems to be the trend I'm finding.

I have had multiple things happen in the last couple months that have worn me down, physically. But I also know they have worn me down spiritually. I haven't looked to God through the rough stuff lately, like I use to. And part of doing this blog was me having the way to really write out my thoughts and feelings for God. Lord Jesus, I am sorry I let that slip away!

I don't want to really get into much detail with the things that have really been tough for me lately, but the most recent is the fact that I have been sick for 2 weeks now. I can't seem to shack it out and it's a SLOW going away process. All I keep thinking about is the fact that through all of this, God is showing me stuff and "getting my attention". :) It's working Jesus!!! :)

You've got my attention, that is for sure.
I've had some good sermons the past few Sundays that have really helped me with a lot of what has happened. I feel blessed that I feel they were for me completely and that God had them just for me (I know, there were others too!). But the latest one really made me realize that through ALL things that I go through, or that me and my husband go through, God is there through it ALL...good and the bad, fun and not so much fun things. I've always known that, but hearing how if you loose sight to the fact that God has your back and will always be at your best interest, even when you think what you are going through is the worst at the time, he still has your best interested.

I know now, again, that through ALL these things I've been battling physically, mentally and spiritually, God has complete control over ALL things and He is there. I just have to trust Him.

A couple days I go a received something in the mail that wasn't so exciting to receive, a bill. All I could think about was, "oo, I hope our flex account still has enough in it to cover at least part of this!" I began to dwell on it, until I found out what we for sure had in our account. Well, I found out yesterday that we have over and beyond enough in our account to cover it and I was just overwhelmed with praise and thanksgiving to God. I thought we only had half of what we actually do have. And seeing what we have, I immediately was like, this was 100%, completely ALL God in this. He had His timing in this. If this would have been in the middle of the year, the story might be different. But the way things have happened here, I know it was ALL God and even though it's been hard to deal with, I'm so thankful for how God has had it all lined up, because He knows what we have and don't have to handle things. And even if we don't, God will STILL guide you through it all, if you let Him!

Thank you Lord Jesus for showing me an amazing joy yesterday and for just giving it all up to you that you took care of us! I feel so blessed and thankful for what you are showing me through all these struggles physically, mentally and spiritually. I know Your hand is in All of this and I just pray that you Lord Jesus will give me, and my husband, the strength to press on and endure through all of this! Praise You Lord Jesus!