What's it mean?

This past weekend was Easter weekend and I had the lovely privilege of working retail during it. Joy! What came of it...it really honestly sickened me. I hate saying that...but it really disturbed me this weekend. Why? 

Well, for many reasons. I'm really starting to become Oscar the Grouch; I don't like holidays anymore. Most people know I absolutely despise Valentines Day. Well, now I'm starting to with other ones too. This Easter was rough. I saw so many people that just were clueless. I was disturbed by how Easter ISN'T considered a holiday by most business, but yet Thanksgiving and Christmas are. So why not Easter...because its in Spring...that's my ONLY guess. And what does that have to do with anything...spring means busier time of year, which means higher sales....retail for ya. 
I shouldn't complain. 
But my biggest problem I have is with how people treat Easter, which is no different than Christmas, so why should I be surprised. I don't know...I'm just bothered by it I guess. 
I had a couple people this weekend stare flat blank at me and not understand that you could actually be out of an Easter product...ON EASTER. It was like the world was coming to an end. I just wanted so badly to say...IT'S EASTER...DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS? 
There are greater things in this life to be concerned about, than being so upset that we don't have your favorite jelly beans! 
Christ died a painful death so that you could have your jelly beans...so that you could have life! Doesn't that mean anything? 

It really made me take a step back. The harsh reality of life hit me and hit me with do we realize how much we have in life and how good we really have it? Does it all dawn on you that we run around like little chickens plucking away at what you want, what I want to even stop to think what our life would be like if Christ didn't die that painful death for us? 
Ya, let that sink in. I'm still letting it sink it after this weekend. 

All I know, is I"m thankful for that cross Jesus Christ died on for ME. FOR ME! 

Steps

Proverbs 16:9
~A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

A good friend of mine shared this verse with me the day before I started my clinical experience a week ago. A week ago I was a nervous wreck. The anticipation of what 2 years of classwork would now come down to 6 weeks of clinical experience. Pressure on. 
I've found peace is in knowing that God is directing me through these 6 weeks that are so nerve wracking on me. The first week of clinicals were so amazing. For one reason...it felt like God was proving it to me that this is what I'm suppose to be doing! I felt confirmation that the 2 years of schooling and quitting my first love of a job, was all going to be worth it! The unknown is still so very scary to me, but I've found peace in taking each day as it comes and enjoying this ride that God is taking me on. 
I keep finding myself saying, "week 1 was so awesome, I'm due for a bad one!" I don't like that I say that, but I've been encouraged by friends that it doesn't have to be bad just because something is going so well. What you make of the experience, is what YOU make of it. I can choose to let a day or a week be horrible if that is how I want it to be. Sure, some things might not go well, I'm sure that will happen. But it's in those situations that I will be refined. 
My first week was so encouraging to me, to know that this is what I"m suppose to do. It feels like this is what I was meant to do! 
I"m excited for what the next 5 weeks bring, but need to be reminded that God is directing what happens. 

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
-Thank you Lord!-

Gifts

I heard a saying yesterday, it went something like this:

Your God-given gifts & talents are not for yourself, but for those who need them around you.

It made me smile. For some reason I couldn't help but think of my husband in that. My husband is such a blessing to me and I don't even realize it most days! Sad. The reason I thought of my husband is because of how understanding and calm he is. To me, that is a gift! He doesn't get upset easy, he doesn't get anxious, he doesn't get mad...he is cool as a cucumber. Those who know him, know this to be so true!  Right?
So that is why I thought of my husband, because that is a gift to be like that and it's not for himself that he has that personality (although I'm sure that makes his life less-stressful than mine to be able to have that coolness), but it's FOR ME! And I'm so blessed! Because those that know me well, know that I struggle with anxiety. I can get stressed easier than most probably and some times I don't know how to handle it. But that's why my husbands gifts are for me! :) Yep, I'm blessed.

Thanks hubby for the gifts God has given you! 

But then I had to think about myself and what my gifts and talents are and if I am blessing those around me because of it. Am I using them? Am I being diligent in what God has given me and using it to the fullest? Some days I really wonder! But really makes me want to strive more for showing/giving my gifts out to others, for it's not my benefit, but for those around me. That's a blessing! Isn't it?

Who Are You?

Today was a whirlwind of emotions. It actually hit me today that I'm 2 weeks away from many things. It's a great feeling, but an incredibly scary thing. In two weeks I begin clinicals, and in two weeks I won't have my main job anymore. It's all so bittersweet. 

Today I witnessed something that was real, normal, people. It's what is everyday, but at the same time, in my face. Today I witnessed my classmates and I out in the work force getting schmoozed by a potential employer. Well, that's at least how some people put it. I put it as "a pitch" for them to tell us about them. Awesome. 
What I expected, but at the same time didn't expect, was to see how my classmates schmoozed at them. Again, its real, normal people. How was I not prepared for that? For some reason I was disturbed to see certain classmates act one way to them and yet when we are all in class and see each other on an every day thing, its different. It frustrated me to see how people can be so consistent in one way for the majority of the time you know them and then all of a sudden, you see them act and look another way. And the funny thing, WHEN IT MATTERS most. 
So here is what I realized...
Why is it that we act one way with our every day people (friends, family...) but the minute you know someone important is watching you, you turn into this amazing person that all of a sudden has it all together? 
Interesting? Nope! It's normal. 
You see, what dawned on me is that is how we always act! I'm guilty, we all are. How many times do we act one way, but the minute we are among our fellow Christ-believing friends, our Pastor, or even more soooo...when we come to God for things...why is it then that we change? Why is it then that we put on that good, awesome, amazing front? Why do we dress our best then? Why do we all of sudden act all sweet and amazing then? And like everything you have to offer, is the best?
Why isn't your best, all the time...or at least try? Why is it that when it matters and everything is on the line, why then? 
Isn't our life on the line all the time? Am I living my life for that of Christ? Am I living my life that is consistent with that of what I would want Christ to see ALL THE TIME? or just when it matters the most? But isn't when it matters most...all the time?

What are we waiting for? When it matters most....is daily! Not only for Christ, but for everyone else. Those around me should be seeing that, but am I showing it? Or am I just showing it when it matters to me to show it? 

I was so disgusted to see what I saw today, but at the same time I did a major heart check and I'm disgusted with myself! For my daily walk is not that of what matters most. Right now, so much more things matter most...and it shouldn't be that way. 
It was a hard day for me, mostly because I saw what it looks like and its what I too, looked like. 

Why now?

This past weekend, it was one of those things that happened that you don't understand why. I don't know what it means, it could mean nothing. I firmly know that everything happens for a reason and I know this to be true here.
But I'm frustrated.

My husband and I have been going through some rough patches through this past year. We are open about it, people know. It's nothing serious but at the same time, just been a plain old tough year of marriage. This Winter in particular, was the low point for me. Since I hit my low and my husband finally understood what was going on, I believe we have been on the upside of this challenging year. I can go more into that later, someday, maybe!
But for now, it brings me to what happened next, this weekend.

My husband had been working in our kitchen to get a new track light put it to get more light into our kitchen. He worked on it ALL day, from 12:00noon until 9:30pm. He was in and out of our attic fixing some electrical work along with this.
I get home from work at 9:45, the new light is in...it's amazing! Usually my husband is all proud and shows off his handy work, but not that night. Instead he comes in and has a sad look on his face and expressed to me how he JUST finished now, and he was HUNGRY and then...he got all teary and said...and then I lost my wedding ring!

My heart sank! But only for a moment...because ultimately I remembered that it's just a material thing. Yeah, it's a symbol of US it's a symbol of God bring us together and becoming one. But it's still a material thing, money paid and gone. Thankfully it wasn't a really expensive ring, but that's NOT what I cared about.
My instant reaction was, "we'll find it! We'll go back up in the attic and find it!!! WE WILL, WE MUST!"  My husband assured me it was gone and that it would be REALLY tough to find it. I understand that completely. BUT!
I just cried, because I'm one of those sentimental woman type and was like, BUT it's the ring I PUT on YOUR finger...its, it's...its....
yeah yeah yeah.
What has God shown me through the course of the last few days...

Again, it's material. What I know to be true is what God is in our marriage. I know that my husband loves me and I don't need a ring to prove that to anyone...neither does he.
But why now? Why when him and I have been struggling so much does this have to happen? Well, I think I just answered my own question in MY own statement pervious...
I know my husband loves me and I don't need A THING to prove that....and you know what...that's why this happened...because it has made me realize that no matter what, I have a husband who loves me, in the good and the bad and that's what marriage is. You stick together no matter what you struggle with. Honestly, in a weird way this little thing brought us a little bit closer in a way of understanding how a simple material object and what it represents.

Here is something my husband wrote to me today:

I just was thinking about you on the way to work this morning and I had an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for all that you do for me and how you are a beautiful, thoughtful, caring wife who is always there by my side.

 

Anyway, I feel a sense of disappointment about not having my ring on my hand. I guess I didn’t realize what it truly means to me. But now I have a clearer picture. I know that it is a symbol to me, you and our families that we are one, but to those around me I also feel like it’s a good symbol of the fact that I have a wife, a wonderful wife, who does care, who has invested her life in me, who I do want to be known for, and who I am so very proud of. I take pride in our marriage, I take pride in you, and I will always lift my head up high for you, yet humbling myself to the Lord who brought us together, and humbling myself so as not to be prideful and arrogant. I will strive to make our bond strong and to serve the Lord in any way I can, and to grow in our marriage to be an example of God’s love to those who see us.

 

So don’t be disheartened, I do wish to find my ring, but even without it, I know that the way I talk about my marriage, the things I speak in regards to my wife, and the perception I give people about my marriage is a much stronger symbol and example to those around me than just a ring on my hand. I will speak uplifting things, and show kindness, and forgiveness in those conversations, I will work at it and hopefully be a good example of us, with the help of the Lord. Even if I wear a $12 ring, I know it’s not the rings worth that’s worth wearing the ring, but rather the worth is in what it represents. Us.

 

I love you, as cheesy or repetitive as that statement sounds, I do.

 

Makes this wife, really happy! :) My heart was overjoyed by those words he wrote and I cherish every single one of them. I know this little thing happened for both of us to realize what a "symbol" means and it brought us back to our wedding and what it was like when we put our rings on each others fingers. I truly love my husband and I know things can get rough, but I know for a fact we can get through things when you have God on your side!

So why now? Why did my husband have to loose his ring now, on the upside of our struggles? God has a reason... :) I think all of this answers it for itself!

 

Thank you Lord for these little things you keep showing both of us! Thank you for my loving husband who has such a caring heart to express to me!

Pressure Cooker

....is what I've been finding myself in a lot lately. Today, it has especially felt like one and I know these times are going to be more often, unfortunately. 

I went to bed last night with a headache and I woke up with one. It has followed me throughout my day, lucky for me, not leaving me! 

I was reminded from a friend to ask God to close doors and for God to open doors as needed, to get in His Word, and pray for God's leading. 

It's something simple, and something we all know as the basics. But yet simply forgotten. As soon as I heard those words, I said, "duh"! 

Why didn't I remember that myself!

...maybe because I'm in a pressure cooker and all my thinking is completely gone! 

So once again, I'm reminder of the simple aspects of talking to God and that is pressure, is just pressure and God is bigger than it all! This pressure I'm feeling is nothing for God to handle...

Does that ease my mind, honestly, not right now...but I do know that God is here with me right now and that is all I need. 

Following You

This past weekend I had the roughest and yet sweetest thoughts come through this weird brain of mine. I want to be honest. Part of the reasons I haven't posted lately isn't necessarily because I've been working 60 hour work weeks, its partly (ok, mostly) because I've been struggling inside with more things that have come out, probably finally. I thought I was dealing with them, but turns out, God says I'm not refined in this area, so it keeps coming up in my life.
I have trust issues...plain and simple. Now when most people hear that, they think I have trust issues with people. Not necessarily in my case, but I do suppose most things come back around to people being involved in them.
This summer has been really interesting. Not the typically summer I had visions, and that is just fine. Thankfully God provided me with a 2nd job on top of my 30hour job I already have. I started applying for a part time job back in early April not really serious about the thought, but if something happened, I'd see then. Most of my reason to get a 2nd job was that all that money I'd get from that job would go to pay for my schooling. I have one year left and so far it's all paid for. I had applied for Financial Aid back in early March as a back up plan if I couldn't get enough saved up to pay for it come August. Well, a job happened and I'm happy to say that my Fall semester is paid in full; books and all! :) It's a great feeling, now I'm trying to figure out Spring semester already and how that will be paid for. But anyways...that is why my summer has not been the typical. The typical this summer has been is 60 hour work weeks and no real time off to do anything FUN.
It's been worth the schooling being paid for, but that has also come at a cost.
God has thrown little, ok, maybe big, things my way to see if I trust in this way. You don't necessarily realize it when you are in, but looking back to even June, I can see it now.
It started with searching for a vehicle. Ok, when I say that work myself, I instantly get tense. This could be a long story, but I'll be quick. Basically, I have 2 views on this subject. I want a car, I need a car. Both true. I want a car because I'd like a better car that runs and that I can rely on come winter. I need a car, well, for those same reasons. Come July, we actually purchased a vehicle for me. It was the most stressful 24 hours of my life...I'M NOT KIDDING!! Why? Well, when you have 2 vehicles PAID FOR and now you are talking about a payment again, because we couldn't wait long enough to save up more money, yeah, it gets tense for this gal. On top of that, feeling guilty about getting a vehicle when in reality, our OLD vehicle worked JUST fine besides the whole reliable thing in the winter. I didn't NEED it, I WANTED this vehicle because it was nice and NEWER, not new, newer!
That night after purchasing the vehicle I woke up with panic attack. I've never experienced this before and I'll say this, I don't like them! It's the worst feeling to go through...well, thus far in my life. I woke up hard to breathe, couldn't breathe, wanted to cry, but couldn't because i was so worked up. I was shaking and I was sweaty. I woke my hubby up and I tried to tell him what was going on through my brain, but it was hard. Poor guy, the things I put him through. Well needless to say, I had terrible regrets about this decisions we made. But we made it, so OK. Trust now that He will help you through this time.
Second thing God has been doing is in the little things. I woke up on Friday night sleep with yet another panic attack, but not nearly like the other one. This one, was brought on by myself, I do believe. Yah see, lately I have been fearing EVERYTHING. Like from the health of my heart (family members have had heart attacks), to finances, to possessions being save, to who knows what goes through this brain! So on Friday I woke up sweating and with a pain in my chest area. I get this a lot and I freak out because I feel like something is going on with my heart. But yet, every time I do this, and I stop stressing, it goes away. I've had heart tests done a few years ago when this first happened and everything with my heart is great. Anyways, that's another long story. So I thought, O boy, I'm going to die...this is it, I'm actually probably having a heart attack right now. I woke my hubby up freaking out once again...and he was rather annoyed, I could tell. He didn't want to console me, he just said lay down and go to sleep! hahaha...I had a hard time getting over this pain and getting over my stress. I tried to explain to him the stress I feel in the little things. He understands me, but I told him I'm so tired of everyone telling me to "get over it and trust." I know, my brain knows. But my heart can't follow for some reason. I'm tired of MYSELF not getting it already!! I broke down as I just wanted the weight of this to go away. My sweet husband said a prayer for me and calmed me down.

HERE'S THE COOL PART...

That next day, or evening, we went out for dinner where we were on vacation at and we were at a little place that was on a lake and you could see/walk out on the peer. It was really pretty. Well I was eating away and talking with who we were with and I couldn't help but be drawn to a dad and his daughter. I kept watching them on the peer and after a while I stopped what I was doing and just watched them. The most beautiful picture God gave me in those moments.
This dad was following his 2 year old daughter around about 2-4 feet behind her all the time. He let her go where ever she wanted to explore and go. When it got a little close to the edge of the peer, he got closer to her and sometimes even took her hand. I smiled. I watched this for about 10 minutes. A little while later after her dad let her explore and look at things, he took her hand and led her to a different location and she followed him. It was in that moment that I realized what God was revealing to me. God has been letting me explore and find my way, with Him closely behind me. He's gently guided me along this way. And now, He is telling me to take his hand and follow him and trust him to lead me a different way. My way was OK and He was there for me through it all and helped me, but now He is telling me that I can't do it on my own and to trust Him to take me the rest of the way through this pain I feel, this stress I have. I can't help but smile knowing that image was just for me that night.
I know this is a process and I need to learn to take God's hand and let Him take care of these little (sometimes they feel big) stresses in my life. I'm learning and I'm trusting, little by little, that in these situations, every situation, God had a plan long before I can do anything about it. I need to take one day by day.