Define Me?

Well, I did it...I graduated college, again. For some reason, this time way more proud of myself than ever in my life. Why? I feel like I've accomplished something I never thought I would do. This experience was probably that hardest thing I've encounter thus far. Harder than a job, harder than moving...

How do I feel now that its over. Most would think I feel relieved, joyous, excited. Honestly, I don't feel anything. Maybe part of that is because I still have to take the nation-wide certification exam yet, so I still feel like it's not over yet! But mostly, I feel proud that I actually accomplished this. I remember 2 years ago, almost to the month (July it will be), is when I first thought of going back to school. And 2 years ago, I applied for the program thinking I would get on the waiting list and "think about it". I did get on the waiting list, but little did I know that I'd actually still be able to take the pre-classes for the core program. "ooo I guess I'm doing this!" And by doing this, meant "oo stink...what did I get myself into?"

The past 2 years have gone NOTHING like I thought. They were harder than I thought, but way better than I thought. I didn't expect it to be so hard, I didn't expect it to be so rewarding and fulfilling for me. I didn't expect to like what I was going it to, as much as I do right now. I have LOVED every minute of learning about Medical things more than I ever dreamt possible. I've developed a passion I never expect was in me.

Here's my thing: It's been almost 3 weeks since graduation and since I"ve been done with my clinical experience and what do I have? Just the satisfaction of saying I graduated. That's awesome right? Well, the funny thing is, it hasn't been that awesome for me. Sure I love that I graduated. But the thing for me is I had expected to get a job upon graduation or if not, VERY soon thereafter. Yeah, yeah, it's only been 3 weeks, but it's been a LONG 3 weeks FOR ME waiting. Why? Because I've developed such a LOVE for this field that I just want to be doing that...badly!
I thought what defined me for the past 2 years would be to get that job RIGHT AWAY. God has had different ideas for me...and in this time, I"ve really struggled about who I am and why certain things have happened. But here's the thing. I've realized that God has it all figured out and I TRY to wait patiently. I've realized that God has been where I am suppose to be right now, and instead of sulky in my disappointment, I've come to realize I need to be thankful for what God has done this far, and that in time, God's time, I will find that job that is just right for me.
I"ve been able to take more ownership into my current job and be joyful each day I am there (which, at days, is very very hard to do). But I've found by doing that, can really go a long way. I've found that by changing my attitude and outlook I can be more joyful in the small areas.
I'm still working. There are days I just get tired of not getting any phone calls about jobs or interviews. I get tired of not seeing anything new come about for jobs. But it reminds me that I need to let it go and just keep doing my thing each day and that God will continue to teach me and show me. I'm excited for what God is teaching me. It hasn't been easy, but if it was easy, everyone would do it.

I"m so thankful for going back to school and being able to experience some of the things I've experienced. I'm thankful for this new passion that I have found in me and that God gave to me. 10-11 years ago I would have NEVER wanted to do what I'm HOPING to do. NEVER. IT wasn't something I liked or wanted to even touch or learn about. But now I do and I"m so thankful for this new found passion in me. I'm excited to use my skills someday soon. But in the mean time, I know that I am suppose to be where I am, and I will continue to use those skills as well.

So does getting a job right away after graduation define who I am? I thought it did? I was certain of that. I thought getting that job right after graduation and being one of the first to get a job meant I was something awesome, something great, that I was a great student, a hard worker. I thought thought that up until about last week, or even a couple days ago. I was so frustrated with myself thinking that is what defined me as a student, and as a person. But God has been showing me different. God has been showing me that it's not being the first to get a job that makes you the best person or best student or best employee. For me, God has shown me that it's about His time, not mine. Those things shouldn't define me, it's how God shows me things and is teaching me that is defining me. And boy, is He doing just that. I feel more grown in the last 3 weeks that I probably would have had I had that job right away. I know it's through these times that define you and God shows and reveals things to you. I"m thankful that I am going through this.

Still, at times, it's hard for me to realize that "in God's time, I will get a job", but I know it to be true in my head, my heart just needs to believe it will happen as well! Come on heart!! :)

What's it mean?

This past weekend was Easter weekend and I had the lovely privilege of working retail during it. Joy! What came of it...it really honestly sickened me. I hate saying that...but it really disturbed me this weekend. Why? 

Well, for many reasons. I'm really starting to become Oscar the Grouch; I don't like holidays anymore. Most people know I absolutely despise Valentines Day. Well, now I'm starting to with other ones too. This Easter was rough. I saw so many people that just were clueless. I was disturbed by how Easter ISN'T considered a holiday by most business, but yet Thanksgiving and Christmas are. So why not Easter...because its in Spring...that's my ONLY guess. And what does that have to do with anything...spring means busier time of year, which means higher sales....retail for ya. 
I shouldn't complain. 
But my biggest problem I have is with how people treat Easter, which is no different than Christmas, so why should I be surprised. I don't know...I'm just bothered by it I guess. 
I had a couple people this weekend stare flat blank at me and not understand that you could actually be out of an Easter product...ON EASTER. It was like the world was coming to an end. I just wanted so badly to say...IT'S EASTER...DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS? 
There are greater things in this life to be concerned about, than being so upset that we don't have your favorite jelly beans! 
Christ died a painful death so that you could have your jelly beans...so that you could have life! Doesn't that mean anything? 

It really made me take a step back. The harsh reality of life hit me and hit me with do we realize how much we have in life and how good we really have it? Does it all dawn on you that we run around like little chickens plucking away at what you want, what I want to even stop to think what our life would be like if Christ didn't die that painful death for us? 
Ya, let that sink in. I'm still letting it sink it after this weekend. 

All I know, is I"m thankful for that cross Jesus Christ died on for ME. FOR ME! 

Steps

Proverbs 16:9
~A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

A good friend of mine shared this verse with me the day before I started my clinical experience a week ago. A week ago I was a nervous wreck. The anticipation of what 2 years of classwork would now come down to 6 weeks of clinical experience. Pressure on. 
I've found peace is in knowing that God is directing me through these 6 weeks that are so nerve wracking on me. The first week of clinicals were so amazing. For one reason...it felt like God was proving it to me that this is what I'm suppose to be doing! I felt confirmation that the 2 years of schooling and quitting my first love of a job, was all going to be worth it! The unknown is still so very scary to me, but I've found peace in taking each day as it comes and enjoying this ride that God is taking me on. 
I keep finding myself saying, "week 1 was so awesome, I'm due for a bad one!" I don't like that I say that, but I've been encouraged by friends that it doesn't have to be bad just because something is going so well. What you make of the experience, is what YOU make of it. I can choose to let a day or a week be horrible if that is how I want it to be. Sure, some things might not go well, I'm sure that will happen. But it's in those situations that I will be refined. 
My first week was so encouraging to me, to know that this is what I"m suppose to do. It feels like this is what I was meant to do! 
I"m excited for what the next 5 weeks bring, but need to be reminded that God is directing what happens. 

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
-Thank you Lord!-

Gifts

I heard a saying yesterday, it went something like this:

Your God-given gifts & talents are not for yourself, but for those who need them around you.

It made me smile. For some reason I couldn't help but think of my husband in that. My husband is such a blessing to me and I don't even realize it most days! Sad. The reason I thought of my husband is because of how understanding and calm he is. To me, that is a gift! He doesn't get upset easy, he doesn't get anxious, he doesn't get mad...he is cool as a cucumber. Those who know him, know this to be so true!  Right?
So that is why I thought of my husband, because that is a gift to be like that and it's not for himself that he has that personality (although I'm sure that makes his life less-stressful than mine to be able to have that coolness), but it's FOR ME! And I'm so blessed! Because those that know me well, know that I struggle with anxiety. I can get stressed easier than most probably and some times I don't know how to handle it. But that's why my husbands gifts are for me! :) Yep, I'm blessed.

Thanks hubby for the gifts God has given you! 

But then I had to think about myself and what my gifts and talents are and if I am blessing those around me because of it. Am I using them? Am I being diligent in what God has given me and using it to the fullest? Some days I really wonder! But really makes me want to strive more for showing/giving my gifts out to others, for it's not my benefit, but for those around me. That's a blessing! Isn't it?

Who Are You?

Today was a whirlwind of emotions. It actually hit me today that I'm 2 weeks away from many things. It's a great feeling, but an incredibly scary thing. In two weeks I begin clinicals, and in two weeks I won't have my main job anymore. It's all so bittersweet. 

Today I witnessed something that was real, normal, people. It's what is everyday, but at the same time, in my face. Today I witnessed my classmates and I out in the work force getting schmoozed by a potential employer. Well, that's at least how some people put it. I put it as "a pitch" for them to tell us about them. Awesome. 
What I expected, but at the same time didn't expect, was to see how my classmates schmoozed at them. Again, its real, normal people. How was I not prepared for that? For some reason I was disturbed to see certain classmates act one way to them and yet when we are all in class and see each other on an every day thing, its different. It frustrated me to see how people can be so consistent in one way for the majority of the time you know them and then all of a sudden, you see them act and look another way. And the funny thing, WHEN IT MATTERS most. 
So here is what I realized...
Why is it that we act one way with our every day people (friends, family...) but the minute you know someone important is watching you, you turn into this amazing person that all of a sudden has it all together? 
Interesting? Nope! It's normal. 
You see, what dawned on me is that is how we always act! I'm guilty, we all are. How many times do we act one way, but the minute we are among our fellow Christ-believing friends, our Pastor, or even more soooo...when we come to God for things...why is it then that we change? Why is it then that we put on that good, awesome, amazing front? Why do we dress our best then? Why do we all of sudden act all sweet and amazing then? And like everything you have to offer, is the best?
Why isn't your best, all the time...or at least try? Why is it that when it matters and everything is on the line, why then? 
Isn't our life on the line all the time? Am I living my life for that of Christ? Am I living my life that is consistent with that of what I would want Christ to see ALL THE TIME? or just when it matters the most? But isn't when it matters most...all the time?

What are we waiting for? When it matters most....is daily! Not only for Christ, but for everyone else. Those around me should be seeing that, but am I showing it? Or am I just showing it when it matters to me to show it? 

I was so disgusted to see what I saw today, but at the same time I did a major heart check and I'm disgusted with myself! For my daily walk is not that of what matters most. Right now, so much more things matter most...and it shouldn't be that way. 
It was a hard day for me, mostly because I saw what it looks like and its what I too, looked like. 

Why now?

This past weekend, it was one of those things that happened that you don't understand why. I don't know what it means, it could mean nothing. I firmly know that everything happens for a reason and I know this to be true here.
But I'm frustrated.

My husband and I have been going through some rough patches through this past year. We are open about it, people know. It's nothing serious but at the same time, just been a plain old tough year of marriage. This Winter in particular, was the low point for me. Since I hit my low and my husband finally understood what was going on, I believe we have been on the upside of this challenging year. I can go more into that later, someday, maybe!
But for now, it brings me to what happened next, this weekend.

My husband had been working in our kitchen to get a new track light put it to get more light into our kitchen. He worked on it ALL day, from 12:00noon until 9:30pm. He was in and out of our attic fixing some electrical work along with this.
I get home from work at 9:45, the new light is in...it's amazing! Usually my husband is all proud and shows off his handy work, but not that night. Instead he comes in and has a sad look on his face and expressed to me how he JUST finished now, and he was HUNGRY and then...he got all teary and said...and then I lost my wedding ring!

My heart sank! But only for a moment...because ultimately I remembered that it's just a material thing. Yeah, it's a symbol of US it's a symbol of God bring us together and becoming one. But it's still a material thing, money paid and gone. Thankfully it wasn't a really expensive ring, but that's NOT what I cared about.
My instant reaction was, "we'll find it! We'll go back up in the attic and find it!!! WE WILL, WE MUST!"  My husband assured me it was gone and that it would be REALLY tough to find it. I understand that completely. BUT!
I just cried, because I'm one of those sentimental woman type and was like, BUT it's the ring I PUT on YOUR finger...its, it's...its....
yeah yeah yeah.
What has God shown me through the course of the last few days...

Again, it's material. What I know to be true is what God is in our marriage. I know that my husband loves me and I don't need a ring to prove that to anyone...neither does he.
But why now? Why when him and I have been struggling so much does this have to happen? Well, I think I just answered my own question in MY own statement pervious...
I know my husband loves me and I don't need A THING to prove that....and you know what...that's why this happened...because it has made me realize that no matter what, I have a husband who loves me, in the good and the bad and that's what marriage is. You stick together no matter what you struggle with. Honestly, in a weird way this little thing brought us a little bit closer in a way of understanding how a simple material object and what it represents.

Here is something my husband wrote to me today:

I just was thinking about you on the way to work this morning and I had an overwhelming sense of thankfulness for all that you do for me and how you are a beautiful, thoughtful, caring wife who is always there by my side.

 

Anyway, I feel a sense of disappointment about not having my ring on my hand. I guess I didn’t realize what it truly means to me. But now I have a clearer picture. I know that it is a symbol to me, you and our families that we are one, but to those around me I also feel like it’s a good symbol of the fact that I have a wife, a wonderful wife, who does care, who has invested her life in me, who I do want to be known for, and who I am so very proud of. I take pride in our marriage, I take pride in you, and I will always lift my head up high for you, yet humbling myself to the Lord who brought us together, and humbling myself so as not to be prideful and arrogant. I will strive to make our bond strong and to serve the Lord in any way I can, and to grow in our marriage to be an example of God’s love to those who see us.

 

So don’t be disheartened, I do wish to find my ring, but even without it, I know that the way I talk about my marriage, the things I speak in regards to my wife, and the perception I give people about my marriage is a much stronger symbol and example to those around me than just a ring on my hand. I will speak uplifting things, and show kindness, and forgiveness in those conversations, I will work at it and hopefully be a good example of us, with the help of the Lord. Even if I wear a $12 ring, I know it’s not the rings worth that’s worth wearing the ring, but rather the worth is in what it represents. Us.

 

I love you, as cheesy or repetitive as that statement sounds, I do.

 

Makes this wife, really happy! :) My heart was overjoyed by those words he wrote and I cherish every single one of them. I know this little thing happened for both of us to realize what a "symbol" means and it brought us back to our wedding and what it was like when we put our rings on each others fingers. I truly love my husband and I know things can get rough, but I know for a fact we can get through things when you have God on your side!

So why now? Why did my husband have to loose his ring now, on the upside of our struggles? God has a reason... :) I think all of this answers it for itself!

 

Thank you Lord for these little things you keep showing both of us! Thank you for my loving husband who has such a caring heart to express to me!

Pressure Cooker

....is what I've been finding myself in a lot lately. Today, it has especially felt like one and I know these times are going to be more often, unfortunately. 

I went to bed last night with a headache and I woke up with one. It has followed me throughout my day, lucky for me, not leaving me! 

I was reminded from a friend to ask God to close doors and for God to open doors as needed, to get in His Word, and pray for God's leading. 

It's something simple, and something we all know as the basics. But yet simply forgotten. As soon as I heard those words, I said, "duh"! 

Why didn't I remember that myself!

...maybe because I'm in a pressure cooker and all my thinking is completely gone! 

So once again, I'm reminder of the simple aspects of talking to God and that is pressure, is just pressure and God is bigger than it all! This pressure I'm feeling is nothing for God to handle...

Does that ease my mind, honestly, not right now...but I do know that God is here with me right now and that is all I need.