Fear of Death

Most would think this post would be about Easter, as that is what today is. Today hits me differently than Easters in the past. There is talk about death this weekend because of what Jesus did for us. There is talk about death in the news because of COVID19. Easter is a joyous time because we remember what Jesus did for us. What God sacrificed for us. But for the past month I have been gripped with fear...so many fears. People ask me what I am afraid of, or what is bothering me about everything. It's been every angle of this.

I'm afraid of...
...daily working (I work in healthcare).
...getting deployed from my clinic and going to the hospital to help out.
...letting my co-workers down because I'm a wimp and am afraid to go elsewhere to help.
...not seeing my kiddos if things get back at work and I'm in quarantine.
...our community getting hit with the virus and overtaking our hospital.
...Ben getting sick (he doesn't have the best immune system).
...my kids getting sick.
...my extended family getting sick.
...not seeing my parents for months.
...the world shutting down.
...Ben loosing his job (temporarily).
...getting sick myself.
...death...and not being here anymore for my family.

Today I looked at Easter a little differently. Christ defeated death.

Hebrews 2:14-15 - "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death-that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death."

We don't have to fear death. We have been set free from the fear of death. We do not have to live this way.

1 Corinthians 15:54-55 "Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the word of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

I believe Christ died on the cross for me. For my sins. For my fears. I need to continue to look to Him in this time. I need to Trust in Him in this time that all those fears I have, that He meets me in ALL of those fears. He understands my fears. He wants to take my fears away. 

Renew my strength

It sure has been a long time since I've been on here...since 2014. I decided to try this out again due to the current world circumstances. I use to use this as a way to write out what I was learning and growing in. I tell ya...sure am learning and growing these days. Not that I wasn't since 2014, but life sort of just happened and then babies came.  My mom the other day reminded me of a few things I've written in the past, maybe not on here, but on other things, so it got me thinking about this all over.

I've been told that we need to approach our current World situation like a marathon. Those that know me, I love running. I'm weird I know. I find so much joy and so much peace when I run. Not every run is joyful, but I still end up finding peace in it. So with the COVID-19 that is going around and hitting us at every angle it seems. Life literally turned up-side-down for everyone! Our instant reaction is to fix it and fix it quick to get "back to normal". Well, if I have my timeline correct, it's been 3 weeks since the "stay at home" order was put into place. For me, the anxiety and the turmoil started about 3 weeks prior to that. Yah see, I work in healthcare. I'd say about mid-February things at work started to come about about COVID19 and policy's and protocols and game plans for this or that situation. Those things started to change every other day, then every day, then every half day. My anxiety started to set in as things kept changing. More meetings were happening, more talks were happening. My anxiety started to reach an all time high (I use to suffer from bad anxiety about 12 years ago and overcame a lot of those fears and troubles). I became so fearful of what was/is to come. I haven't been proud of myself because I thought I was better than this. I thought I was stronger than this.

Thankfully a few good friends have helped me along the way here. I've gotten great encouragement when I've needed it most. This is a marathon we are running. It's not gonna be over quick and its not gonna be a short run. You will have good days and bad days, just like having a good mile and a bad mile. I remember back to my first half-marathon I ran. I started out OK, thinking ya, OK, I've got this. But as the miles kept coming, I started to grow weary, tired. About 2 weeks ago I was growing weary and was mentally exhausted from all this information about COVID19. Work stuff was overwhelming with the information of what was coming. I kept looking for JUNE. When is June gonna be here and maybe then this will all be over. That didn't help, that just made me feel heavy. When you look for the finish line and you are miles and miles away, it feels daunting, like it's never going to end.

I went for a run the other day and I could feel this all playing out. I started out so good in my run, I was about 3 miles in. Then I hit some good wind because I changed the direction I was going and I also was going up a hill. I felt like, "are you kidding me!". Then this came to me. If I keep looking up the hill its going to feel like forever. Instead, I looked a couple feet in front of me, picked up my feet and just looked at the immediate ground in front of me. Before I knew it, I was at the top of that hill. Was it hard and tiring, you bet! But It was much easier to overcome it. I realized I needed to stop looking so far in the distance and just focus on the task (the day) that in front of me. Don't look to mile 10, when you are only on mile 3 (I didn't run 10 miles that day, just saying!) :)

When you run a marathon you are going to have good miles and bad miles. You are gonna feel great at some times and feel sluggish and heavy the next. Then you are gonna hit your stride again, get some encouragement you needed (either in a song or by a bystander) and keep pressing on and feeling refreshed. I'm thankful for the pieces of encouragement I've had during this time. I've struggled with this fear like I've never struggled before. I don't think my anxiety has ever been this bad and I thought it was bad 12 years ago. I'm still learning here and I have my days. I've had more bad days than I've had good. I'm saddened that I haven't turned to God like I know to do. He is my encouragement and my guide and I've tried to figure this current situation out on my own. That hasn't been working. My heart knows that God is my strength, but my head can't seem to follow it these days and that is what saddens me most. Like I said before, I thought I was stronger than this.

Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who hope is in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."

Isaiah 41:10 - "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I've been living off those verses lately. When the world gives me fear and anxiety from what I hear and listen to, I shut it out and pray. That's all I can do right now.

Breathe...

I'm not sure what I'm going to write about. All I know is a lot has gone on since May. I've had lots of joys and a lot of challenges. I've had frustrations and more joys because of it.
Tomorrow starts the beginning of something new for me and something I'm so excited to start because of my new found passion that God has given me over the past 2 years. Two years ago, it was just a shot in the dark at something new and now, here two years later, I'm doing something I didn't even think I could do. Amazing how God can put something on your heart, have no idea what it might mean, and you do it, and realize you should have done this 10 years ago. But I'm thankful for where God has led me the past 2 years.

I have ONE more big challenge set before me. I'm scared out of mind for Friday to come. This week is so crazy. I start the beginning of something awesome, and at the same time, I also have to finish something. Even though I have the new job, I still need to get certified for my schooling I've had over the past 2 years. Friday is going to be a bucket full of nerves. I feel like everything from the past 2 years comes down to this. This one exam! I'm freaked out! And it's only Sunday. I still have 5 days to go. Ugh.
Do I feel ready, yes and no. I've study nearly every day for the past month. I sure hope it's been enough. I'm so stinking nervous and scared. I'm scared of failure. I don't know why I am so scared, because God has guided me this entire time through the past 2 years. Does that mean he's gonna help me pass, not at all. But I do need to trust Him and and trust myself that I know the material and have confidence in myself. Everyone else seems to have confidence in me, but me!
Why can't I learn this yet?

This week is awesome in so many ways! Most people have asked me today if I'm nervous for tomorrow, for the start of my new job. And I say, "oo, I haven't thought about that." I"m more nervous for my exam than I am for a new job. I"m excited to just get working there and be there. I"m NOT nervous one bit. I"m excited because I feel like I'm suppose to be there for some reason and this entire time God has guided me in the interview process between 3 other job opportunities. I've been in awe of how God has orchestrated all of this in the first place. So excited for tomorrow. But I"m SO scared for Friday!!

Breathe...

Define Me?

Well, I did it...I graduated college, again. For some reason, this time way more proud of myself than ever in my life. Why? I feel like I've accomplished something I never thought I would do. This experience was probably that hardest thing I've encounter thus far. Harder than a job, harder than moving...

How do I feel now that its over. Most would think I feel relieved, joyous, excited. Honestly, I don't feel anything. Maybe part of that is because I still have to take the nation-wide certification exam yet, so I still feel like it's not over yet! But mostly, I feel proud that I actually accomplished this. I remember 2 years ago, almost to the month (July it will be), is when I first thought of going back to school. And 2 years ago, I applied for the program thinking I would get on the waiting list and "think about it". I did get on the waiting list, but little did I know that I'd actually still be able to take the pre-classes for the core program. "ooo I guess I'm doing this!" And by doing this, meant "oo stink...what did I get myself into?"

The past 2 years have gone NOTHING like I thought. They were harder than I thought, but way better than I thought. I didn't expect it to be so hard, I didn't expect it to be so rewarding and fulfilling for me. I didn't expect to like what I was going it to, as much as I do right now. I have LOVED every minute of learning about Medical things more than I ever dreamt possible. I've developed a passion I never expect was in me.

Here's my thing: It's been almost 3 weeks since graduation and since I"ve been done with my clinical experience and what do I have? Just the satisfaction of saying I graduated. That's awesome right? Well, the funny thing is, it hasn't been that awesome for me. Sure I love that I graduated. But the thing for me is I had expected to get a job upon graduation or if not, VERY soon thereafter. Yeah, yeah, it's only been 3 weeks, but it's been a LONG 3 weeks FOR ME waiting. Why? Because I've developed such a LOVE for this field that I just want to be doing that...badly!
I thought what defined me for the past 2 years would be to get that job RIGHT AWAY. God has had different ideas for me...and in this time, I"ve really struggled about who I am and why certain things have happened. But here's the thing. I've realized that God has it all figured out and I TRY to wait patiently. I've realized that God has been where I am suppose to be right now, and instead of sulky in my disappointment, I've come to realize I need to be thankful for what God has done this far, and that in time, God's time, I will find that job that is just right for me.
I"ve been able to take more ownership into my current job and be joyful each day I am there (which, at days, is very very hard to do). But I've found by doing that, can really go a long way. I've found that by changing my attitude and outlook I can be more joyful in the small areas.
I'm still working. There are days I just get tired of not getting any phone calls about jobs or interviews. I get tired of not seeing anything new come about for jobs. But it reminds me that I need to let it go and just keep doing my thing each day and that God will continue to teach me and show me. I'm excited for what God is teaching me. It hasn't been easy, but if it was easy, everyone would do it.

I"m so thankful for going back to school and being able to experience some of the things I've experienced. I'm thankful for this new passion that I have found in me and that God gave to me. 10-11 years ago I would have NEVER wanted to do what I'm HOPING to do. NEVER. IT wasn't something I liked or wanted to even touch or learn about. But now I do and I"m so thankful for this new found passion in me. I'm excited to use my skills someday soon. But in the mean time, I know that I am suppose to be where I am, and I will continue to use those skills as well.

So does getting a job right away after graduation define who I am? I thought it did? I was certain of that. I thought getting that job right after graduation and being one of the first to get a job meant I was something awesome, something great, that I was a great student, a hard worker. I thought thought that up until about last week, or even a couple days ago. I was so frustrated with myself thinking that is what defined me as a student, and as a person. But God has been showing me different. God has been showing me that it's not being the first to get a job that makes you the best person or best student or best employee. For me, God has shown me that it's about His time, not mine. Those things shouldn't define me, it's how God shows me things and is teaching me that is defining me. And boy, is He doing just that. I feel more grown in the last 3 weeks that I probably would have had I had that job right away. I know it's through these times that define you and God shows and reveals things to you. I"m thankful that I am going through this.

Still, at times, it's hard for me to realize that "in God's time, I will get a job", but I know it to be true in my head, my heart just needs to believe it will happen as well! Come on heart!! :)

What's it mean?

This past weekend was Easter weekend and I had the lovely privilege of working retail during it. Joy! What came of it...it really honestly sickened me. I hate saying that...but it really disturbed me this weekend. Why? 

Well, for many reasons. I'm really starting to become Oscar the Grouch; I don't like holidays anymore. Most people know I absolutely despise Valentines Day. Well, now I'm starting to with other ones too. This Easter was rough. I saw so many people that just were clueless. I was disturbed by how Easter ISN'T considered a holiday by most business, but yet Thanksgiving and Christmas are. So why not Easter...because its in Spring...that's my ONLY guess. And what does that have to do with anything...spring means busier time of year, which means higher sales....retail for ya. 
I shouldn't complain. 
But my biggest problem I have is with how people treat Easter, which is no different than Christmas, so why should I be surprised. I don't know...I'm just bothered by it I guess. 
I had a couple people this weekend stare flat blank at me and not understand that you could actually be out of an Easter product...ON EASTER. It was like the world was coming to an end. I just wanted so badly to say...IT'S EASTER...DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS? 
There are greater things in this life to be concerned about, than being so upset that we don't have your favorite jelly beans! 
Christ died a painful death so that you could have your jelly beans...so that you could have life! Doesn't that mean anything? 

It really made me take a step back. The harsh reality of life hit me and hit me with do we realize how much we have in life and how good we really have it? Does it all dawn on you that we run around like little chickens plucking away at what you want, what I want to even stop to think what our life would be like if Christ didn't die that painful death for us? 
Ya, let that sink in. I'm still letting it sink it after this weekend. 

All I know, is I"m thankful for that cross Jesus Christ died on for ME. FOR ME! 

Steps

Proverbs 16:9
~A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.

A good friend of mine shared this verse with me the day before I started my clinical experience a week ago. A week ago I was a nervous wreck. The anticipation of what 2 years of classwork would now come down to 6 weeks of clinical experience. Pressure on. 
I've found peace is in knowing that God is directing me through these 6 weeks that are so nerve wracking on me. The first week of clinicals were so amazing. For one reason...it felt like God was proving it to me that this is what I'm suppose to be doing! I felt confirmation that the 2 years of schooling and quitting my first love of a job, was all going to be worth it! The unknown is still so very scary to me, but I've found peace in taking each day as it comes and enjoying this ride that God is taking me on. 
I keep finding myself saying, "week 1 was so awesome, I'm due for a bad one!" I don't like that I say that, but I've been encouraged by friends that it doesn't have to be bad just because something is going so well. What you make of the experience, is what YOU make of it. I can choose to let a day or a week be horrible if that is how I want it to be. Sure, some things might not go well, I'm sure that will happen. But it's in those situations that I will be refined. 
My first week was so encouraging to me, to know that this is what I"m suppose to do. It feels like this is what I was meant to do! 
I"m excited for what the next 5 weeks bring, but need to be reminded that God is directing what happens. 

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
-Thank you Lord!-

Gifts

I heard a saying yesterday, it went something like this:

Your God-given gifts & talents are not for yourself, but for those who need them around you.

It made me smile. For some reason I couldn't help but think of my husband in that. My husband is such a blessing to me and I don't even realize it most days! Sad. The reason I thought of my husband is because of how understanding and calm he is. To me, that is a gift! He doesn't get upset easy, he doesn't get anxious, he doesn't get mad...he is cool as a cucumber. Those who know him, know this to be so true!  Right?
So that is why I thought of my husband, because that is a gift to be like that and it's not for himself that he has that personality (although I'm sure that makes his life less-stressful than mine to be able to have that coolness), but it's FOR ME! And I'm so blessed! Because those that know me well, know that I struggle with anxiety. I can get stressed easier than most probably and some times I don't know how to handle it. But that's why my husbands gifts are for me! :) Yep, I'm blessed.

Thanks hubby for the gifts God has given you! 

But then I had to think about myself and what my gifts and talents are and if I am blessing those around me because of it. Am I using them? Am I being diligent in what God has given me and using it to the fullest? Some days I really wonder! But really makes me want to strive more for showing/giving my gifts out to others, for it's not my benefit, but for those around me. That's a blessing! Isn't it?