I think God has really been laying stuff on my heart lately, things that I can't even understand. I've been really struggling now for about a month on a few different areas of my life. And I think today, it all came to a head. Or at least, I think so.
I've been contemplating a job decision for a month now and I haven't come to grips with actually deciding on it. And I think God is making me finally decide. At least, that is what I think. I've come to realize that my healthy and "life" is more important. I think God is showing me that in multiple ways.
And today, I struggled so much this morning with a few different things, and I still couldn't even come to say..."this is what I'm going to do". And I think the reason I'm struggling so bad, is because I'm TRYING to FIX this problem or this decision ON MY OWN. And I've constantly been hearing God say to me, all day, "Are you going to trust me?"....."Are you going to trust me now?"....."Please just trust me Kelly, Do you trust me?"
Why is it so hard to let God just work?! Why is it so hard that I always try to be the tough gal and figure it all out. Why is it so hard that my pride doesn't want to fall and give in. Why is it so hard for me to just LET GO and see what amazing things God is going to heal in my life. ? Why is it so hard to let God work. Why is it so hard...to TRUST?
And it's not like I'm trying to trust a friend of mine who has done me wrong...GOD HAS NEVER done me wrong. So why is it so hard to trust someone who has done nothing but GOOD in my life (even when I have thought it wasn't, and it always turns out good). ??? why?? why? why??
So today...I decide to trust! I decide to let go of my fears I'm having right now...and I decide to give them to God and trust that He will help me and not ask why anymore.
Lord, I'm still not sure what is going on and I'm incredible scared. But I know for my health and for my life, I need to do what you have been showing me to do. And maybe it is that simple, that after I figure this out and trust you, that everything else will start to get better. But Lord Jesus, I ask that you just comfort me and help me know that you are here and that I do trust you and that I can feel OK, again. Lord I want to do what is best for our family...and Lord, is this what you are showing me?
Lord I trust you, that everything else will be OK, that you will guide us through this. I thank you for helping me trust you and let go. O Lord, I'm uncertain, but I know you always are. Please give me the peace I need...give me the strength to let go!
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